Greetings all. It’s Euphonious K.Z.G. again. This will probably be one of the most intimate and straight from the heart pieces I’ve written to you all thus far. I’ve always come to you all standing in my truths and that is what I’ll continue to do. 2018 came in very hard on me, challenging me and trying to break me in almost every way possible and now it’s February. I have absolutely been hurled right out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Hey everyone. It’s Euphonious K.Z.G. again, and Happy New Year!! *bursts out balloons and confetti*. It’s 2018 and I hope you all are feeling good about this New Year. If you aren’t, no worries. There is plenty of time to develop a brighter outlook for the rest of the year. I didn’t start my New Year off on the most exciting note, but it was very insightful. Let me back track a bit for you all.
*I apologize for this being lengthy*
How does one deal with feeling less than perfect and cannot accept love, platonic or romantic? I am a thicker black gay man living in the South in his mid-twenties. Currently, I’m transitioning into a period of my life where I do not know what my future living, career, or life situation will be. This freedom of discovery is great, but has revealed my longtime self-doubt.
Let me explain: ever since I was 13, I have been living with mental illnesses, mainly depression and anxiety. Over the years, I have went through bullying and harassment, leading to very traumatic experiences which still haunt me today. Instead of feeling supported, life has taught me that it moves on, no accommodations can be made for you to process it and you just have to get over it. I’ve tried to commit suicide before, feeling hopeless. While I’m blessed I’m still here, it’s a feeling that doesn’t go away.
I have been told that I have a kind spirit, great personality, and that I am somewhat decent looking. Beauty is what I can see in others, but I can’t accept it myself. My stomach pokes out, my skin full of cuts and bruises, I feel and look ugly, just overall full of imperfections. I overthink everything in life, and especially how I just feel so out of place. I know that my awkwardness is very unappealing to others and I’m self-aware of this, despite everyone around me telling me that I am okay. Dealing with these things, I just know I am not “normal.” We’ve all heard that typical “What is normal?” speech and we should embrace our differences, but while living with a mental condition, you can’t take that to heart as you are always over-analyzing what makes you different. It’s a constant negative voice in your head that you can’t turn off and it drives you crazy.
You hear of your friends and their fun times, watch them work the room flawlessly. Just being in a big crowd of folks puts my anxiety on 100. Everyone has great sex stories, can pull anyone they want and yet I sit here with a good personality, but a good personality doesn’t get you Jack’d messages. I feel incapable of letting another person love me because I know all my flaws and I don’t want to put that on anyone else; they don’t deserve that stress. I wish everyone the best and I support them because I know rejection like a best friend and I don’t want them to experience that unhappiness. However, my mind won’t accept theirs because as much as I want & need it, I feel like I’m just being a burden to them.
Now my depression has been at an all-time low in the past few years and I’ve gotten back to physically abusing myself. This has really been starting to affect my friendships and potentials from getting to know me. I’m honest in that I’m a mess, and I feel that transparency that turns people away and further paint me as a weak individual. I severely suffer from a lack of confidence and my perfectionist attitude is imploding a path of destruction. I’ m over-drafting my support and love for others with nothing depositing for me. I just want to feel normal, be like everyone else. Is this even possible or just a pipe dream?
-A Wannabe Normal
I was wondering if you could give me some advice. So me and my boyfriend have been together since June of this year and last night he told me that he wants a break and that it is not me and that he knows I want to talk but he’s not ready to right now. I’m completely devastated and heartbroken I don’t even know what to do. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. A part of me wants revenge, a part of me wants to disappear forever I’m so hurt I don’t know what to do. If there is anything you can suggest I’m all ears?
Hey ya’ll! It’s me again, Euphonious K.Z.G. (not Tavion Scott) and this is blog #2!!! I hope this post finds you all well and with a bit more light and love in your lives than my first post. I just want to take this post to talk about my gratitude on Gratefulness Day.
In the today’s world, a value has been placed on everything. Off the top of your head, I bet many of you could accurately estimate the price of a new iPhone, a pair of Jordan shoes, or a brand new sedan of your choosing. For some time now, the world has elected to place a price on natural elements of the earth like water, gas, and even oxygen in some luxurious instances. And of course money has value. Why do you think so much attention is placed on the U.S. dollar and the Euro? In spite of all the things society highly values, we somehow devalue two of the most important things a person can own. Belief and Faith.
Hi there folks,
I wanted to take some time out today to share with you all some inspiration. Over the last few years, I’ve grown to learn more and more about the difference between living and surviving. I know some of you may be reading this and preparing to write this article off as cliché or an already labored point, but hear me out. I’m certain this won’t be a waste of your time.
Happy Monday everyone, and congrats on making it to another workweek. I know as a society, we’ve often gotten accustomed to hating Mondays. We often sigh and complain about Monday being the furthest day from the amazing thing we call the weekend. It’s within our weekly routine to see this first day of the workweek as this unexciting, gloomy, and dreadful 24 hours that puts an abrupt halt to our two days of fun and rest. For some, it has become a habit to think of this day as the bringer of new problems at work with the same people they’ve grown to dislike in the confines of their office or cubicle. I know all about the “Monday blues.” But over the past few years, my outlook of America’s favorite day to hate has changed.
The whole Orlando incident has been weighing heavy on me and my relationship. While we both thankfully didn’t lose someone close to us, we can’t help but to think that could have been us. I mean we don’t live in the gay club, but we go on occasion. As a matter of fact, we were in a club around the same time all of this was going on. Knowing we could have very well been the ones shot at, has got my boyfriend spooked. Badly. We’re supposed to go out to a mutual friend’s birthday party in two weeks, and he refuses to go. He doesn’t want to take the “risk.” I told him we can’t live like hermit crabs because of this, but he won’t listen. What are your thoughts?
Won’t Live in Fear
I haven’t really talked a lot about my experiences coming out, so I thought I’d start sharing. When I finally came to accept myself for who I truly am after years of denial, depression, and self-hate, I decided that I would slowly start to tell some of those closest to me of my truth. I figured if I’m going to live my adult life the way I want to, I can’t do that by being unauthentic to those I call besties and family. One of the first ones up on my coming out tour was my college bff.