I’m writing to get some honest insight about casual relationships, dating, and why it seems to be difficult to get any kind of attention even with the right credentials, pedigree, personality, and the like. In more simplistic terms is it: Is it me? Or is it the dating environment that I am in?
To provide some context, I’m in my mid-20s, highly educated, am kind and attentive, funny, and love to have fun with others. However, I have found that having these redeeming traits seems not to matter much when it comes to talking with many men. I came to this observation by living in Washington D.C., and currently living in Atlanta.
When I was living in Washington D.C., I had a friend that conveyed something in a conversation that still appears to hold true. He told me that when dating other men, or even trying to casually engage on a sexual level, they don’t care about how kind I am or what type of credentials I have. They also upon first glance, don’t care about what you bring to the table. Or to put if the way he put it, “a degree won’t make you dateable.” Ultimately, he said that “what really matters is the body, how masculine you present, and how you put yourself together.”
In the few years since that conversation (and our friendship ending), I tried dating and seeking casual encounters not listening to the commentary. However, I have only been able to date successfully one time. As far as casual encounters go, nothing has materialized from the usual culprits of Jack’d and Grindr, or in-person meetings. Jack’d and Grindr are sources of frustration, purely because of the personalities I seem to encounter. Plus being stood-up seems to be a common thing for me (it’s so common that I know to order a drink within 15 minutes and go on my merry way by 30). In-person meetings, when they happen, seem to be very one-sided and often times, most men are disinterested. I demonstrate my interest, yet I never get their number or hear from them again.
It’s jarring, because I’m young, I want to have fun, and I want to be able to enjoy men and their essence. Yet, the well has been dry for a few years. I also have been told by female friends that I’m by no stretch “ugly.” But, I’m starting to believe what that “friend” told me some years ago. Living in Atlanta, the Mecca of gay black men, I have been incapable of finding any sexual partners or romantic interests, period. Disclosing this to one of my friends, he said: “wait, what… how?”
Could be possible that because I’m not in the best shape (I’m team thick), not masculine (I’m more of in the middle), and have an eccentric style, no man wants no parts of me? If that is the case, would it make sense if I (or “masc it up”) and get into model shape to start making myself more appealing? Am I bugging?
Once again, I’d appreciate your honest evaluation of this.
Quarter Life Drought
I met a guy on Jack’d, out of all places, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well with our exchange of non-sexual, cool-natured, and friendly messages on there. Over a span of a couple of days, our vibe was so great, that it led to us exchanging phone numbers where our conversations continued from there on. This guy had my nose wide open! He’s a good catch, good credentials, smart, funny, good heart, handsome – All the aspects most want in a guy. Interested in seeing one another, we decided to meet up in person. I suggested we’d meet up at a billiard because in my mind, it’d be a place where we can have fun, and feel each other out without the temptation of easily being lured to sex.
We agreed to meet at a reservation, overlooking the city instead, his idea, and a great one because I feel it’s an intimate and romantic “first date” so to speak. When we met, we were both giddy, obviously feeling each other and both rather shy. Our talk led to us kissing passionately and, perhaps against my better judgement, led to us getting a little frisky. All in all, it was a great night and we continued to keep in touch daily. We made plans to meet up for a second time, got stood up.
I reached out to him the next day, though he should’ve reached out to me, and he apologized with the excuse that he had taken a nap and slept through his alarm. I gave him the benefit of doubt and forgave him. He made up for standing me up by keeping his word to meet me at my place a week later. When he arrived at my place, it was the same scenario: we talked, kissed, and got a little freaky. A part of me felt like I shouldn’t have let it gone to the point of getting sexual, but my hormones were raging, and his presence and his kiss had me weak. Dammit!
And so after that event, we still continued to call/text daily, it’s about 3 weeks since we first communicated on Jack’d at this point. I thought about him e-ve-ry day! I couldn’t believe within a short time, I had an immense deep like for this man. I knew he had a Facebook, though he didn’t tell me, because I did my little research on him around the time we first started talking, as did he with me because he admitted it. So, I figured since we have chemistry and as far as I was concerned, we were cool, it wouldn’t be creepy, off-putting, or weird to send him a friend request. So I sent him one thinking at some point, he’ll see it and accept it.
In one of our daily text conversations, we brought up wanting to see each other again. He suggested that I’d meet him at his place for what would have been our 3rd time seeing each other. Of course I was thrilled about that so I sent him an affirmative response. But, when I asked for his address, he never responded back. I sent that text asking for his address on Monday, May 14th. Here we are Monday, May 21st and I still haven’t heard from him.
I suffer from the once bitten, twice shy effect to where it’s hard for me to connect with a guy in general because of my nervousness and insecurities of having been rejected time and time again. So you can imagine, since I’ve connected with this guy, I’m in shell shock, so to speak, from his sudden disappearance. I checked his Facebook profile to see if my friend request to him was still pending, not only did he not accept it, it appears as though he set it up to where I can no longer send a request. I’m a 32 years old and have never been in a relationship. My question to you is: from everything that I have explained, did I go wrong somewhere? Was there anything I did or didn’t do to warrant his abrupt cut off of communication with me?
I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted. I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward. However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me. It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.
-urgh it’s complicated.
Out the gate, let me warn you all that this is one of those posts not meant to necessarily make you laugh or feel good. Instead, I hope the writing here makes folks do some self-evaluation. While leaders across the globe have made playing the blame game popular, I find the game immature and rarely helpful when it comes to matters of the heart.
Happy Friday Eve folks. I hope today is full of positive vibes for all as we are one day closer to the weekend. I thought I’d take the opportunity today to revive something I haven’t done in a while. And that’s Intimate Conversations with Tavion. I haven’t given you all a campfire story in a month of Sundays, so you all are long overdue. My story for this Thursday is in regards to why I don’t believe your first date with a guy should include his friends.
I’m not sure if I have a question, or more of something I want to rant about. Lately, it seems like every person that hits me up on these dating apps are just blah. They always come at me sideways with ratchet comments, and like 8 out of 10 of them are a little less than unattractive. Like where are all the good guys? The attractive ones. The non-corny ones. The ones that don’t make my skin crawl. Again, not much of a question but more of a vent. Love the site btw.
Searching But No Luck
I recently made the mistake of catching feelings for this guy I hooked up with. About four weeks ago, I started messaging this guy on Jack’d and we met up with the intention to hookup only. Let me tell you, after round one I was extremely satisfied. When round two finished, I was in awe. Needless to say, he was definitely feeling the sex too. Well since that first night, we have been staying in contact pretty regularly, and hook up at least twice a week, if not more. Having gotten to know him a little, I find myself falling for him. The thing is, he has made it clear on his Jack’d profile that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Heck, he’s even told me he loves being single. I guess what I’m asking here, is what do I do here?
Thanks in advance bro, and love the site btw.
Restless in Philly
This may seem like an age old question, but I would appreciate your take on it. Does size really matter? I feel like I’ve had this conversation several times with my friends, and the end result is always the same. A few of my friends say they can’t deal with anything small poking at them, while others say it’s all about how a guy works it. But what’s too small and too big? Just curious to hear what you think.
Just Want Answers
I know I’m not the only one that has had his fair share of weird experiences using certain dating apps and sites. And the weird experiences aren’t generated by these apps, but more so by the community of users that log into them. Just keep reading, and tell me you can’t relate. Truth be told, you may have some more you want to add to the list.
Is it really impossible to meet a boyfriend on Jack’d, Grindr, or other apps like that? My friends say those things are just hook up sites. And granted I haven’t met a guy with relationship potential yet on Jack’d, but I’d like to hold out some hope. What do you think?
Appreciate the response,
BGC Live 91