relationships

I’ve Lost Weight and My Boyfriend Gained Insecurity

Hi T,

I’ve been reading through your site and thought you had some good advice so I’m going to try this out. I’m having a problem with my boyfriend that’s really getting on my nerve lately. To give you a little background, over the past six months I’ve lost about 48 lbs and look the best I have in a minute. My boyfriend was initially very support of the weight loss, but over the last few weeks he’s gotten super clingy and possessive. I just don’t know where any of this is coming from. Appreciate the insight.

-New Me, But Not Who Dis

P.S., we’ve been together for over a year.

Dating, relationships

More than Dating, Less than a Relationship, It’s a “Situationship”

For those familiar with my content, you know that I regularly use the term situationship. I haven’t really broken down the definition of the term, so I decided to take a little time out to do so. By the end of this post, you should have a strong grasp on this word not yet in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, and perhaps not used in your everyday vocabulary.

Pop Culture

The 2017 Year-End Review: My Lists of Top 5’s

Greetings folks! As one of the last new posts of the year, I wanted to give a year-end review of sorts. When I say review, I mean a “Top 5” list for 2017 of various things in entertainment, politics, and sports. I know some of you will agree and others will argue with my lists; but hey, they’re my lists. Oh and I’ve also included five things I wish would happen in 2018. So enjoy!

The Lifestyle

You’re Not Alone… Everyone Has Flaws and Insecurities

T,

*I apologize for this being lengthy*

How does one deal with feeling less than perfect and cannot accept love, platonic or romantic? I am a thicker black gay man living in the South in his mid-twenties. Currently, I’m transitioning into a period of my life where I do not know what my future living, career, or life situation will be. This freedom of discovery is great, but has revealed my longtime self-doubt.

Let me explain: ever since I was 13, I have been living with mental illnesses, mainly depression and anxiety. Over the years, I have went through bullying and harassment, leading to very traumatic experiences which still haunt me today. Instead of feeling supported, life has taught me that it moves on, no accommodations can be made for you to process it and you just have to get over it.  I’ve tried to commit suicide before, feeling hopeless. While I’m blessed I’m still here, it’s a feeling that doesn’t go away.

I have been told that I have a kind spirit, great personality, and that I am somewhat decent looking. Beauty is what I can see in others, but I can’t accept it myself. My stomach pokes out, my skin full of cuts and bruises, I feel and look ugly, just overall full of imperfections. I overthink everything in life, and especially how I just feel so out of place. I know that my awkwardness is very unappealing to others and I’m self-aware of this, despite everyone around me telling me that I am okay. Dealing with these things, I just know I am not “normal.”  We’ve all heard that typical “What is normal?” speech and we should embrace our differences, but while living with a mental condition, you can’t take that to heart as you are always over-analyzing what makes you different. It’s a constant negative voice in your head that you can’t turn off and it drives you crazy.

You hear of your friends and their fun times, watch them work the room flawlessly. Just being in a big crowd of folks puts my anxiety on 100. Everyone has great sex stories, can pull anyone they want and yet I sit here with a good personality, but a good personality doesn’t get you Jack’d messages. I feel incapable of letting another person love me because I know all my flaws and I don’t want to put that on anyone else; they don’t deserve that stress. I wish everyone the best and I support them because I know rejection like a best friend and I don’t want them to experience that unhappiness. However, my mind won’t accept theirs because as much as I want & need it, I feel like I’m just being a burden to them.

Now my depression has been at an all-time low in the past few years and I’ve gotten back to physically abusing myself. This has really been starting to affect my friendships and potentials from getting to know me. I’m honest in that I’m a mess, and I feel that transparency that turns people away and further paint me as a weak individual. I severely suffer from a lack of confidence and my perfectionist attitude is imploding a path of destruction. I’ m over-drafting my support and love for others with nothing depositing for me. I just want to feel normal, be like everyone else. Is this even possible or just a pipe dream?

-A Wannabe Normal

Pop Culture

Insecure’s Lawrence vs. Daniel… Who Would You Choose?

Lawrence vs. Daniel

If you haven’t had the opportunity to check out the amazing show Insecure, let me warn you that this post will contain spoilers.  So before you read any further, do yourself a favor and watch the series.  Heck, stop missing out on a movement. Issa Rae created something that is “hella” creative, “hella” funny, and “hella” reflective of the awkwardness that exists in all of us.  Particularly, when it comes to matters of the heart.   But anyway, onto the premise of this post.

Dating

He’s Best Friends with His Ex

Dear T,

Would you care if a guy you’re talking to is best friends with his ex-boyfriend?  Been talking to this guy for about a month now, and recently I met his group of friends.  After talking with the friends, I found out that one of them is his ex.  That kind of threw of me, because I wasn’t expecting to kick it with my almost boyfriend’s ex.  I can’t help but be bothered.  The man I’m talking to didn’t share any of this information with me.  When I asked him how long he and his friend dated, he said two years, but they’ve been broken up for three.  I’m just uncomfortable with the whole situation.  What would you do?

–  Not For This