Dating, relationships

I Really Like this Guy, but He Ghosted Me More than Once

Dear T,

What does it mean when a guy tells you he likes you and wants to build something with you, but he then goes ghost.  He’s ghosted me more than once. Long story short, this guy who I’ve been dating for about 3 months is so up and down. One week we’re talking every day with texts and calls, and the next week he may text me 4 times over 7 days. When I asked him what the deal was, he said work gets stressful sometimes, but he doesn’t mean to offend. Said he is working toward a relationship with me, but his disappearing act pisses me off.  But he has time to like Ig photos, not that I’m stalking him. What should I do here?

-Drizzy95

relationships

He Keeps Cheating but Says He Wants to Change

T,

My boyfriend and I started our relationship when I was overseas in February, so basically our relationship does not have a stable foundation. I had to go overseas for studies this whole year, I left in January and will be back in April next year. I recently found out that he cheated on me in April when I was looking through his phone messages, he was very intimate with another girl but this whole time he says that he never had sex with her even though the slept on the same bed a few times. He said he broke it off as he felt that it was not right or that he was starting to develop feelings for her, I don’t remember.

It was very rocky for us back in April, we kind of broke up and kept arguing but finally got back together as he had a scheduled trip to visit me in May, he booked the flights back in February. I forgave him, decided to give him another chance but within the last few days, I found he cheated again in November. He only said it was a bj, but I don’t believe that, because his message to his friend was that the girl said that there was no need to use protection, so to me, they did have sex, or else he would not have said that to his friend, no matter what he says.

He also made out with another girl twice around the same period of time, I found out all of this through his messages to his friend. It was him who gave me his password to his social media accounts, as I found out that he was lying to me recently, hence, I have no trust in long-distance relationships so he gave it to me when I asked for it.

Another thing is that he is extremely flirtatious with girls, just too intimate for my liking. I have spoken to him about it and he said that he will change. But the problem is him cheating so many times, like I just can’t accept it. But after mentioning breaking up he told me his reason of being like this, he said he used to be a very loyal person, but because of his ex he turned out this way. He said his ex used to bring guys back to her apartment all the time and was very intimate with other guys when he was dating her, so he thought and believed that he could do the same as well. After confronting him, he said that he regrets it, he just does not know how to reject people which i believe is bullshit. But he said he is willing to change, to give it a fresh start and to really appreciate me this time.

He deleted all of his Instagram messages (which is where I found all this info from), wanting to start anew, he swears that he will change and that he does not want to break up with me. My friends all tell me that a guy who cheats will never change, which I believe, but I also believe in giving people one more chance. But the problem is that I found out about him cheating within a 2 week span this month, I thought I gave him a chance for his cheating in April but now I find out about another one in November.

I really don’t know what I should do, if I can trust him? None of my friends support us together, none of them believe in cheaters. He was bowing on the ground for me to give him another chance, he keeps apologizing, he really regrets it but words have no effect anymore. He said that he will use time to prove it to me, but I don’t know how he will prove it. Just a little background, he works in a bar, so he meets girls on a daily basis. Which I don’t mind as long as he knows how to draw the line, but clearly he does not. He said from now on he will go straight home after work, he won’t have supper with his friends anymore, he said that he will stay at home with me when he has his days off. He said that he will change, he will do anything to not break up, but I really don’t know what to do right now, I am really confused. Please help me.

-Annie

Dating, relationships

He Cheated on Me Because He Needed to Make Sure I Was the One

Hi T,

I am currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of about 6months, it has been a very full on time from woah to go and feelings developed very quickly for each other at a level we both didn’t see coming, he is 6 years younger than me so hasn’t had as many relationships as me or life experience. He was living in the same town as me but then moved away for the summer for work. We had been planning the future together, both deciding to relocate and starting a new life together in a different city once we had both wrapped up our jobs.

He is just over a month into living in a different town than me. I had just spent an amazing extended weekend with him the first time we had seen each other in person since he left. It has now come out, about a week ago (the day after I left) that he cheated on me with a girl he barely knew who had no idea we were together, the girl contacted me. They didn’t have sex but kissed and fooled around a wee bit. I asked him if he had done something that would hurt me and he straight away said yes. His reasoning behind doing it was a very backwards way of figuring out for himself if I was truely who he wanted to be, as like I said it had been a very full on and intense progression of our relationship and him being that bit younger he was scared about how he had found me so early on in his life. He knew straight after this meeting with this girl that yes I was the one he loves and wants to be with.  He said he had blanked it from his memory that he had done this as it meant absolutely nothing to him, he doesn’t want to even remember that he has done it. He didn’t want me to find out as he knew it would really hurt me but he also knew I would find out because I can read him like a book.

I do truly love this guy and see my future with him, he had not changed his tune at all with talking about the future and planning things together after what he had done. Of course I am really hurt with it what has happened but it will take me time to trust him again.

I guess the advice I want from you T is it possible that cheating with someone else like this is a way of figuring things out for himself? How do I move forward with him and learn to trust him again, especially as we still have 4/5 months of long distance before he was going to move in with me.

He has gone into a mode of why would I want to be with him after he has done this, his parents are pretty mad at him for what he has done and friends really disappointed. He is hurting because he has hurt me so much. I am worried that this will spell the end for us as it seems too much doubt has crept into his mind with how he views himself, and how I deserve better.

C

Dating

I’m Over 30 and Never Been in a Relationship. How Do I Not Be Single

Hey Tot—
I’m single and just turned 33, and have been single for 33 years lol. Plus, sex isn’t really a habit in my life including self-pleasure. I don’t know where to begin when it comes to dating, a relationship, or building a healthy sex life.
I am an actor currently touring the country with a Broadway musical. I am verse/bottom. I am pretty handsome. I am also inexperienced, and it weakens me a bit.

Where do I start?

-ART

Dating, relationships

Real Love Doesn’t Physically Hurt… So Get Out and Get Help

I am in a Long Distance Relationship with my girlfriend, and I love her as much as she loves me. But, she sent me videos of her cutting herself, and that just hit me hard. I knew it’s cause of me, she’s hurt because of me, but sometimes both of us ended up hurting each other without realizing. And now she’s asking for a breakup and she said, “you deserve someone better because I’ve hurt you way too much.” That’s just sad to know, I love her so much, and I don’t ever want to break up with her. Sometimes she hurts me too, and I also did cut myself. It’s like on and off relationship, we broke up a lot of times, and we haven’t even lasted for more than a week although we’ve been dating online for more than a year.

What should I do?

-Jason

Dating, relationships

I’m Ready. Should I Have the Relationship Conversation?

Hello Tavion,

I’ve been a big fan of you for a while now and can’t help but appreciate all that you’re doing.

I need your help!! I’ve been dating very active lately and I’ve been lucky to meet some pretty cool people. Some, I have gone on multiple dates and hang out with a couple of times.

Through this process, I met a guy who seems to be the one that I can finally commit to and build a relationship with. He is exactly what I’ve been looking for in a significant other. Getting to know each other within the last one month has been amazing.

I actually think I am kinda falling for him. But the gag is, he is moving back home.

He has been here on a student visa and now that he has graduated it’s been hard for him to find a job forcing him to move back home. We’ve literally been in a relationship but without the title. He is friends have become my friends and vice versa. He is older by 6 years and has experienced everything you can imagine in his past relationships (The good, bad and the ugly, long distance, toxic and abusive…. etc).  His last relationship ended in January and since then, he has been on a journey of self-care finding himself and falling back in love with himself.  I guess my question is how do I go about having the conversation about this? I definitely want something more (EXCLUSIVITY and all) but I don’t want to be the rebound guy as well or rush him into something he might not be ready for.

Should I just let the chips fall where they may? Should I be completely up-front about my feelings?

Thanks,

Victor

Dating

In Love with a Roommate Who Wants Someone Else

Hi T,

Here’s the situation. I was dealing with a guy that I had strong feelings for. He didn’t have as deep of a connection for me as I did him. We talked and we became friends, very good platonic friends. A few months later we become roommates. I moved into his home renting a room. Things are great, I’ve had my overnight company, a friend visiting from out of town.

Recently, he’s started having a local consistent friend stay overnight. For whatever reason, I’ve become bothered by this. I don’t know why. We were never together. In hindsight, I can acknowledge that. I openly accept that he and I aren’t supposed to be together. He has had people come over, they did whatever they did, and they’d leave. I don’t know why I’m feeling bothered by my friend finding someone he can spend time with consistently. Can you help me process this?

Confused AF

relationships

I Found Out My Aunt Has Been Dating My Ex for Two Years

Hi, I really need some advice. I just figured out my aunt has been dating my ex-boyfriend for about 2 years. I don’t think either of them knows that I’m her niece. This guy I was almost engaged to and I had helped him pick a house out that now my aunt is going to live in. It’s been 10 years and we only broke up because my uncle who I lived with at the time told my ex whopper lies. I’m so hurt and I just don’t know what to do? How do I tell my aunt without wanting to punch her and scream at her?

-Brandy

relationships

I’ve Lost Weight and My Boyfriend Gained Insecurity

Hi T,

I’ve been reading through your site and thought you had some good advice so I’m going to try this out. I’m having a problem with my boyfriend that’s really getting on my nerve lately. To give you a little background, over the past six months I’ve lost about 48 lbs and look the best I have in a minute. My boyfriend was initially very support of the weight loss, but over the last few weeks he’s gotten super clingy and possessive. I just don’t know where any of this is coming from. Appreciate the insight.

-New Me, But Not Who Dis

P.S., we’ve been together for over a year.

Dating, relationships

Living Like You’re Single in a Long Distance Relationship

My partner and I first began our now 3 year relationship via long distance. I moved down to Atlanta from Houston to be with him full time after 1 year but we were sleeping with other people while still out of state. I’ve been here for the last 2 years and after the honeymoon phase has worn out I discovered my mood has sunken into depression and anxiety due to being away from my family and friends back in my hometown.

This is my first long term live-in relationship and first foray into living away from home altogether. I noticed that I had stepped out here and there with each trip out of town due to my feelings of unhappiness. We were now considering moving back to Houston but I recently slipped up with an ex a few months ago on a trip back to Houston that my hometown partner found out about via hacking my phone.

I’m confused if I am truly depressed about my current relationship being monogamous and feelings of being stifled domestically. Or unhappy with being away from my hometown. We recently started couple counseling and each started therapy for clarity in our emotions. Should I try to make this work or leave while the going is good?

-Needy Neurotic or Nympho