relationships

Social Media Posts and Relationships

Hey T,

Not sure if you’ve answered this question before and I missed it, but I’m going to ask. I’m not necessarily in a relationship, but dating and hoping to get in one soon.  Not that I mind being technically single, I just want my bae.  Anyway, me and my God brother, who does have a man, were talking about how upset he gets about his boyfriend being on Instagram and Snapchat.  Not that he’s on the apps, but that he’s always posting body pics.  He started working out heavy about 5 months ago, and I’ll admit he definitely bulked up something fine.  So now I guess he likes showing off his progress.  He’s posted his arms, back, chest, and even legs.  Although, he had to stop with the leg pics because my God brother went off about him posting pics in his underwear.  I tried to tell him that posting pics aren’t that big deal, but he’s convinced that folks will DM his man and that will lead to cheating.

Meanwhile, my God brother vents often vents on Instagram whenever he and his boo have an argument.  I told him to stop that, but he is stubborn and doesn’t listen. Bringing this around to why I wrote you.  How do you think social media should play a role in relationships? Looking forward to hearing from you.

From,

Jimmy Jones 93

relationships

My Ex is Back, Should I Give Him Another Shot

Hey T,

How do you trust a guy that has found nothing wrong with lying to you in the past?  An ex of mine from a few years ago reached out to me on Facebook about a month ago, and we’ve been kind of talking ever since.  I’ve been shy about going there with him again, because when we were together, he cheated on me twice.  Of course with the cheating came the lies.  While he said he’s changed, and regrets the past, I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I get hurt again.  What should I do here? Should I see where this goes? If I do that, what can I do about the trust issue?

Thanks,

King Raymond88

The Lifestyle

Sometimes a Hello Is Just a Hello

As crazy as it may sound, it’s becoming harder and harder these days just to be nice.  At times it seems as if no one believes a man or a woman can show common courtesy and be polite without having ulterior motives.  If you tell a person “oh you look great, where did you get that shirt”, that somehow means you’re throwing a subtle dig at him for his appearance.   Or if you return a hello, then that low key means you want a person in the most romantic of ways. It’s like you can’t be a pleasant and enjoyable person, without your behavior being misconstrued.

Dating

Don’t Waste Time Being Jealous, Focus on Being a Better You

In this day and age when people broadcast their life on a daily basis across Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat, I find more folks living their lives through a green lens. I mean people are in a constant state of envy because the stories and pictures they come across showing ripped bodies, great jobs, picturesque relationships, and overall “fabulous” lives.  And before you convince yourself that you’ve never been the envious type, think about those times you came across a profile and said, “Oh he got a few muscles now and thinks he’s the sexiest thing out here.”  Or maybe you’ve been one to ask “How is he in a relationship, and I’m not?”  Or perhaps you’ve thought on occasion, “How is it that I’m working my ass off, barely making it and stressed, and he’s over there happy and balling out of control?” It’s easy for anyone to be a little green from time to time.  However, no one should go through life always jealous of others.

friendship

You Have Many Acquaintances but Few Friends. Know the Difference!

Good morning folks.  I decided to take a minute to talk about true friendship.  I know most of us think we learned what a real friend is when we were kids.  However, in a day and age of social media, and so many claiming to be hurt by friends on a routine basis, I think it’s worth making the distinction again.

Back in high school, my dad taught me a very important lesson.  He told me, “in life you will only have a hand full of friends, but many associates.” Also, he stressed the importance of me not confusing the two.  Honestly, that was the best advice he’s ever given me.  Listening to those words of wisdom has prevented me from trusting too many people and repeatedly getting hurt by people I call friends.

For clarity sakes, I would define a friend as a person that you trust with your tears, brings about some cheers, and alleviates your fears.   It’s a person that is equally invested in supporting and loving you, as you are them.  An associate as my dad puts it, or better yet an acquaintance, is someone you never go deep with, nor is there a mutual expectation or desire to do so.  You two only share surface information about what another, and keep it light and fun.  (You sharing all your business, and a person telling you relatively nothing about his life, is not mutual.) A quote puts the difference between friends and acquaintances this way:

“An acquaintance merely enjoys your company, a true friend has your best interests at heart and the pluck to tell you what you need to hear.”

I almost hate that Facebook calls everybody that you add or adds you a “friend.” I mean that simply is not true.  A person just doesn’t have over 2,000 friends.  He or she doesn’t confide and trust in that many people.  Nor do that many people confide and trust in him.  Heck if I’m to be completely honest, I have some people on Facebook right now that I don’t even really know.  Most Facebook “friends” are NOT your friends people!  That goes for followers on Twitter, Instagram, and the Snap.

And just like romantic relationships, friendships need to be nurtured.  I’m not saying friends need to necessarily see each other all the time, and be on the phone every day. Heck my own friends can attest to the fact that I’m not the person to necessarily talk to you Monday through Sunday.  However, in nurturing a friendship, it’s important for people to set aside time in their busy schedule to at least send a message every now and then to check in on a compadre.  To make sure a person is doing alright.  Regardless of whether or not friends talk daily, real friends both have a sense that if either needed the other, he’d be there.

Friendships also may have to be reevaluated from time to time.  Two people that consider themselves to be friends should be in a equally beneficial arrangement.  That means one person shouldn’t always be draining the other of time, resources, and energy.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants a friend that always complains, does nothing but take, and exudes nothing but negative energy.

Look, I have days where I’m not going to be sunshine and rainbows (no pun intended). And during those times, I may need a friend to pray for me, send positive vibes, and lift me up a bit.  I can’t turn to a constant Debbie Downer for that support.  He can’t possibly give it to me.  That one-side relationship would drive me crazy.  I refuse to always be there for someone else, and he never be there for me.

To be honest, friendship is like a bank account you share with another person.  If you are the only one depositing money and the other person is always withdrawing, you’d be pissed.  Trust and believe, your positive energy, time, and support is much like currency.  So get pissed and reevaluate your friendship if you’re the only one lending the supportive listening ear, words of wisdom, or time.

Oh and if your friend can’t ever support you striving for better, that isn’t a friend worth having either.  I understand change is not the easiest for some people to digest; but, if you are trying to elevate your career or overall life, and a person can’t support you in your efforts to do that, hit the “reevaluate button.”  If you can’t go to the club and bar as much because you have to study, and a person doesn’t understand that, hit the button.  If a person tells you your dreams are impossible to reach, hit the button.  (Now if your dream is to win The Voice, and you can’t, don’t hit the button.  Listen to the friend. LOL!)  Just use discernment.  And if you don’t have good discernment, ask God for some.

In short, I just want people to save themselves some heartache by simply watching who they consider a friend.  Associate or acquaintance is not a bad word, and you can call people that.  They shouldn’t be offended, and you shouldn’t be afraid to say it.  Once you make the distinction between the people around you, you may get out of the habit of telling all your business to the wrong people.  Or expecting so much from folks that you mistakenly classified as friends.

Dating

Gay Dating While Christian

I hope you are doing great. I am writing because it seems like I am at a dead end and I am hoping your words might help me out.

Even though I have been in relationships with some amazing men and have been extremely happy, I never felt fulfilled. You see, I am a gay Christian. With that said, whenever I tell other gay men that I am a Christian it seems like they get scared and run off. At 27 years old and been in the dating pool, I now know what I want out of a partner but more than anything… I know what I need.  I would like someone that is also Christian, someone which will walk this road of faith with, someone that I can lean on for prayer and vice versa, but where else do I find such man? It’s not as if Christian Mingle has a section for us. I know yourself has a Christian faith, any words of advice.

Your fellow brother,

Let There Be Light.

Dating

Is It OK to Message My MCM?

Hey T,

Quick and simple question.  Do you think it’s a bad idea to inbox your MCM?  My friends think if I were to do it, that I’m being super thirsty.  But I don’t seem the harm.  Not like I’m sending nudes or anything.  Thoughts?

-One Life to Live

Dating

The Modern Day “Bug A Boo”

So T,

Is it normal for a guy now a days to be so demanding of your time, if you two have just been on a few dates?  I’ve been seeing this really sweet man for the last couple of weeks, and he texts me a lot, if not calling, to get a status update about my day, or to get to know me.  At first I thought this was cute, because it was nice to feel wanted and chased.  But now, I’m a little annoyed by the constant communication.  I tried to slow the texts and calls down by not responding to every message, but he’ll just send a duplicate message or “wyd” text if I don’t reply.  In my head I want to scream at him to chill out.  But I don’t know if this is what dating is about these days.  Haven’t been in dating world in years due to a relationship, which I recently ended.  Anyway, thoughts would be appreciated.

Yours Truly,

Tryna Date

The Lifestyle

Pet Peeves of Social Media

Hello folks,

I’ve come to realize that social media has really empowered many people and given them a voice.  These persons wouldn’t have a voice in communities without platforms such as Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.  And therein lies the problem.  These platforms have given some people a license to be bullies, and others an opportunity to vent their sincerest form of ignorance.  And then there are those that feel social media is the place to spew every negative emotion they are feeling.  Honestly, all three mentioned uses of social interaction tend to get on my last nerve.