Dating

I Thought We Were Vibing, Then I Found out About His Girlfriend

 Hey T.,

I have to admit that you give the best advice – I’ve been reading your page for a week and I’m already in love.

Two weeks ago, I went to a coffee shop with two of my friends and while we were having fun, I noticed that the waiter was interested in me. I kept playing with him as I had just broken up with my boyfriend and when I went to the bathroom with my friends, he came in and told me that he liked me but he was 10 years older than me. The next week I went back there and we exchanged numbers. Two days after that we went on a date and we ended up kissing. We talked a little over the next few days on the phone and I went back there after 5 days and he was totally flirting me and we made out again. He wanted to go out with me again but he cancelled our date because of his job. This afternoon I found some pictures of him and a girl on Facebook and I asked him if he was in a relationship and he replied yes, that our “thing” didn’t mean to be something special and that he’d rather I didn’t tell his gf about us. What should I do?

-Confused

relationships

My Ex Broke Up with Me without Any Explanation… How Do I Move On?

Hi T!
I just started following you on IG this morning, I am super fascinated in your website thus far and appreciate your insights and responses. I am hoping you can give me some encouraging words.

Recently, I was in a serious relationship (or so I believed/still believed) with a man since November. Long story, short he was a great guy and really treated me how I wanted. Right before the holidays his financial situation caused him to land on some hard times. I emotionally (not financially) supported him during this time. Once after the New Year he told me he was having some suicidal thoughts, but luckily did not follow through.

Fast forwarding, his job allowed him to travel across the country to make more money. I agreed to try long distance as he claimed he would be able to take time off once a month. A few weeks ago, he yelled at me for not telling him I had dinner with friends (both male and gay). I did tell him indeed. At the end of the conversation I tried to say ‘I love you’ and he brushed it to the side and hung up. I decided to take 2 days off and not speak to him to clear my mind, as there have been some instances where he has thrown these tantrums.

When I tried to call him he didn’t answer and a few days later I noticed he deleted some of his social apps and decided to block me. I called him one final time to try and resolve the issues, and after no response sent a text message saying I still love him and that I respect his wishes, wish him the best etc.

I am sorry for the long message, but this was my first real relationship and I guess I am looking for some type of closure from him. I feel like just dropping off out of nowhere with no explanation is just so disrespectful and he basically just smashed my heart. I’m not sure if his ‘on the road’ job has tempted him to interact with men he meets, if he just wants freedom or if there may be some underlying mental health issues.

I have come to the realization that I will not get to the bottom of what happened, so how do I move on and not feel like every man I meet in the future (in a serious capacity) won’t hurt me like he has? Do you have any suggestions on how to move on? Side note: I invested so much time and energy into this man and I was very faithful to him.

Thank you so much for any light or advice. Much love.
-Struggling Hopeless Romantic

The Lifestyle

I Was Trying to Date Him, Not Him and His Crazy Ex

Hey T,

You’ve been my unbiased “go-to” for quite some time. And this newest solicitation for advice won’t be any different. Let me jump right in, as this might turn lengthy.

I have been dating this guy for approximately 3 months, however it seems as if we have known each other much longer. The chemistry, conversation, and connection are purely organic.  We talk for hours on hours (about relevant things). He’s just all around nice guy.  I’ll refer to him as may’bae (potential future bae) going forward.

May’bae has this friend that he has known for quite a while.  The both of them are from the same area and relocated to the immediate area, went to college together, been roommates, and May’bae has taken care of this friend when he was down (after surgery/etc). After close observations (from conversations), I started feeling like the friend was more than a friend or that something had possibly existed between them in years past.  When I inquired he assured me that it was nothing more than a friendship.  I took it for face value, but I still had a very weird feeling about the connection.   I met this friend while I visiting May’bae and the friend was very short and stand-offish with me.  When I asked May’bae about it he said, “Oh that’s just how he is with everybody…”

Fast forward… we have been spending a lot of time together as you do when you’re getting to know someone and this friend apparently feels some type of way about it.  He popped up at May’bae’s place and confronted him about who he’d been spending his time with and asked was it me.  Once confirmed, this sent his friend into a fiery rage. He started making comments like “I thought you and I were going to be together, What does he have that I don’t have?….etc”

He pushes May’bae and a physical altercation ensued.

May’bae calls me crying because he has had a fight with who he thought was simply a friend that he had been helping out/held bake sessions with and just cool with. So anyway, it confirmed my assumptions that the friend indeed had feelings for him.

Being that this is really fresh, I don’t want to automatically penalize May’bae for just being there for a friend (who apparently had secret feelings for him). I don’t believe it’s his fault. The friend has since apologized for “acting out of character” and that May’bae has been a shoulder for him and most recently since he hasn’t been coming around he feels alone and wants to reconcile. I’m struggling with this idea because it sounds like he’s just trying to pull May’bae back into his life.

Perhaps once they sit down and talk he can let him know what it is and what it isn’t.  I liken this entire scenario to dating someone who is still close to an ex (knowing that the ex still has feelings for them).  I truly believe he doesn’t feel the same, but it’s my uncomfortable level of knowing that he’s still will be around someone who is actually in love with him.  Lastly, I don’t want to put him in a predicament to choose between me and his long time friend (who’s now not so “secretly” in love with him after all the tea was spilled).  Could this be a red flag for me or am I digging a little too deep with this?

Thanks,

Confused

*** UPDATE***

May’bae who is now Trash, confessed that he and this friend had been in a relationship for the past 3 years! This would explain why this “friend” was so passionate.  So he basically sold me an entire lie and I bought it. Sadly, my feelings are really hurt, because we talked about the future and etc.  He was a great guy beyond the lies and drama. Things certainly happen for a reason.

-Confused

Dating

I Just Left My Husband…How Do I Date In This New-Age Dating World?

T,

I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted.  I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward.  However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me.  It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.

-urgh it’s complicated.

relationships

Reclaiming My Ex… Or at Least I Think I Want To

Tavion,

This may be a short letter, but it’s a little complicated.  Or maybe not, I’m not sure yet.  Sorry if it seems like I’m rambling, but my mind is a little all over the place.  I admitted to myself a few days ago that I still love my ex-boyfriend, and I’m not what to do.  For starters, me and my ex broke up about a year and a half ago and we both moved on.  Well theoretically I guess.

He’s been dating this guy for about 4 months, and I’ve had my current boyfriend for about a year.  Because my ex and I share mutual friends, we see each other from time to time.  So we are in each other’s face. Long story short, over the past month we’ve been talking more frequently and I just miss him. I still love him. I haven’t told him that yet, and we haven’t been sleeping around behind our boyfriends’ back, but I want to. Sleep together, not necessarily cheat. And while I haven’t talked to my ex about getting back together, I think he may want me as bad as I want him. I don’t what to do here, so yeah, help.

-Dumb or Confused

Dating

Cuffing Season and the “Trap of the Ex”

Given that Cuffing Season has again swung into full effect, I feel obligated to issue a public warning.  I feel compelled to cautioned readers against falling into the “Trap of the Ex.”  Usually during Cuffing Season, exes have a way of popping up out of the blue like clockwork.  It’s as if a sensor goes off alerting them that it’s that special time of year and their former bae is single.  Heck, if I’m honest, the ex may not know or care if the former bae is single, and still feel compelled to reach out in some way.  If none of this sounds familiar to you yet, allow me to make it a little more personal for you.

Dating, relationships

He Lied to Me about Being Married

Good evening, I’d first like to start off by saying how much I’ve enjoyed reading your advice the past couple of days. Ok, now to the point.

Over the past 2-3 months I’ve started hooking up with this man. Let’s call this man Trey. I met Trey very randomly through someone who neither one of associate with now. Anyways, the first time I met Trey we talked a bit and were watching TV. Next thing I remember I had Trey face down.  You know the rest. Within that same week we hooked up 2 other times. Now when we originally first met we really didn’t delve into each other’s personal lives like that. However, the more we started to hook up we gradually opened up to each, or so I thought. Trey did eventually tell me he was seeing a woman and didn’t want me to stop anything I had or was doing with anyone male or female. Gradually the more we talked I learned when a “good” time to text or call him was and when I shouldn’t do those things. One night after the very good sex that we have I showered and then he did. While he was in the shower I took it upon myself to look in his wallet and I looked at his ID. Now this couldn’t have been but more than a month and a half in when I did this. To my surprise Trey wasn’t Trey but was someone else. When he got out the shower I had already put everything back and acted like nothing happened. In fact I had him bent over very shortly after he got out the shower.

Now after that night I didn’t think anything of it. Fast forward a couple of days later we were talking and he abruptly ended the conversation and wouldn’t answer my texts. I just so happened to be up late at night and I took it upon myself to see who he really was. Now at first I couldn’t find anything based on his name or number and it stumped me. However, being the private investigator that I am, I ended up finding a marriage license in the county public records. When I found that I tracked the wife down on Facebook and subsequently found him. Now her page is semi private and his is completely private. On hers because we aren’t friends it only shows old information. From what I’ve pieced together they have at least 2-3 kids. Two days later he comes over and we do our usual. We did go get food and for the first time I let him drive his car. Inside was a bumper sticker for a school that says “My child attends blah blah blah.” He did see me look at it and he acknowledged and said yes I have a kid that goes there. At this point I’ve never told him I know he is married or has probably more than one kid.

Like I said its only been about 3 months but we have both expressed our feelings for each other. We have talked about how this was just to be a fwb type of situation but we have come to actually care for each other more than that. But I “know” his situation about his girl (only what he believes I know, that he told me he has a girlfriend) and him not being out or really comfortable with his sexuality so we both have acknowledged that yes we care for each other but we can’t be together in the capacity that we want to.

He still does not know that I know he is legally married and I dont want or feel the need to tell him in fear or ruining our complicated situationship. I can be brutally honest and say I  “justify” my actions (which I  do feel morally wrong for sleeping with a married man) by saying that I don’t really know his situation. I feel like A) he could be divorced or separated (the reason i feel like he might be is because he usually stays over at my place until 2 or 3 am and I know no black woman or any woman for that matter  is that oblivious or ok with her man coming home that late) B)he has spent the night C) I honestly just push the thought out of my head.

I said all of this to say that I feel foolish and wanted your advice on what I should do. Should I tell him I know he is legally married? Should I end things with him? Or should I ride it out until I move out of the city for my job in 2 months?

Sincerely,

Lost and Confused

I apologize that this is so long. I didn’t want to miss anything

Dating

I Found Out He Dated My Aunt

T,

I could use some of your help when you got a minute.  I like dating older men.  When I say older, I mean like dudes 15 or 20 years older than me in their 40s usually.  Something about that salt and pepper in the beard, maturity, and dad muscles really just do it for me. So I’ve been dating this one man for about three weeks now. He’s mad cool, and I could actually see this going somewhere.  Then I find out that he actually dated my one aunt back when they were in high school.  Like they legit went out together.  I may be bugging, but once I found that out I put him on pause. I haven’t answered his calls or messages.  I just can’t date someone that’s gone out with a relative. Especially my aunt.  I love that lady like a second mother.  But I really did like they guy. What would you do if you were me?

-Mr. Unwanted Triangle

Dating, relationships

When Should You Stop Seeking Closure from The Ex?

In one of those moments when my friends and I are were talking about any and everything, we began discussing relationships and closure.  We all agreed that should things go left in a relationship, and boos becomes exes, each person is entitled to closure. Each person deserves to know why and how things went left, if there is opportunity to reconcile, and certainty that remaining apart is the best option for both of them. However, not everyone will get closure when a relationship ends, and this brings me to the point of disagreement between my friends and myself.

relationships

How Do I Get Over My Cheating Ex?

Dear T,

I have a question I think you can help me with.  Or at least I’m hoping you can.  I’ve seen some of the advice you give other people, so I’m going to give this a shot.  It’s been a little over a month since my boyfriend and I have broken up, and I can’t seem to get over him. It still feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I still miss the bastard.  See, my ex is someone I thought could be my husband one day.  What we had was real.  That’s what I thought until I found out he cheated on me.  He told me he hooked up with some random when he went out of town with his friends.  While I gave him credit for telling the truth, I couldn’t stay with someone that would do that to me.  I would have never done that to him.  The thing that really sucks, is that I can’t seem to move on.  I tried going on Jack’d and going to gay bars or whatever, but every time I think there is potential with someone, the person turns out to be a dud.  And plus, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I’m a fool for still wanting him right? Anyway, simply put, how do I get over an ex?

-Alex Lovelong