Dating, friendship

He’s My Coworker’s Ex… Does that Mean He’s Off Limits?

Hey T,

Love the site. Your advice hits a whole different kind of way. Hoping I can get some of that good advice. See I’ve been seeing this man I really like for a month now. It hasn’t been that long but to say he’s got me thirsty is an understatement. The problem is I found out 2 days ago that he’s the ex of a new friend of mine. Well maybe friend is too strong of a word, let’s say coworker I’m cool with and we’ve been to happy hour once or twice in 3 months. Now my best friend said I owe this coworker at least a heads up if I’m not going to ask permission, but I don’t even want to give him that. I mean I only found out this guy was my coworker’s ex through a story the guy told and I put two and two together and asked this guy if he was talking about my coworker.

What do you think? Do I owe my coworker anything?

-Mr. Rome Dolla

relationships

My Ex Broke Up with Me without Any Explanation… How Do I Move On?

Hi T!
I just started following you on IG this morning, I am super fascinated in your website thus far and appreciate your insights and responses. I am hoping you can give me some encouraging words.

Recently, I was in a serious relationship (or so I believed/still believed) with a man since November. Long story, short he was a great guy and really treated me how I wanted. Right before the holidays his financial situation caused him to land on some hard times. I emotionally (not financially) supported him during this time. Once after the New Year he told me he was having some suicidal thoughts, but luckily did not follow through.

Fast forwarding, his job allowed him to travel across the country to make more money. I agreed to try long distance as he claimed he would be able to take time off once a month. A few weeks ago, he yelled at me for not telling him I had dinner with friends (both male and gay). I did tell him indeed. At the end of the conversation I tried to say ‘I love you’ and he brushed it to the side and hung up. I decided to take 2 days off and not speak to him to clear my mind, as there have been some instances where he has thrown these tantrums.

When I tried to call him he didn’t answer and a few days later I noticed he deleted some of his social apps and decided to block me. I called him one final time to try and resolve the issues, and after no response sent a text message saying I still love him and that I respect his wishes, wish him the best etc.

I am sorry for the long message, but this was my first real relationship and I guess I am looking for some type of closure from him. I feel like just dropping off out of nowhere with no explanation is just so disrespectful and he basically just smashed my heart. I’m not sure if his ‘on the road’ job has tempted him to interact with men he meets, if he just wants freedom or if there may be some underlying mental health issues.

I have come to the realization that I will not get to the bottom of what happened, so how do I move on and not feel like every man I meet in the future (in a serious capacity) won’t hurt me like he has? Do you have any suggestions on how to move on? Side note: I invested so much time and energy into this man and I was very faithful to him.

Thank you so much for any light or advice. Much love.
-Struggling Hopeless Romantic

Dating

I Just Left My Husband…How Do I Date In This New-Age Dating World?

T,

I have decided to exit a ten year marriage. I have come to realize that I compromised so much of myself to make him happy and in return my happiness was depleted.  I no longer have an emotional and mental connection to this man and I am moving forward.  However, I have also noticed that this “new-age” dating is not for me.  It appears that every relationship is about sex and having multiple partners. Though I do not disagree with having sex and dating around to be sure you are investing your time and energy into the right person before becoming exclusive, I have an issue with sex and multiple partners being the main focus and NOT developing an intimate relationship. I realized in this marriage I married a selfish individual who abuses alcohol and, unfortunately, does not love himself (what he told me). I am not interest in this new-age dating, but craving that intimacy.

-urgh it’s complicated.

relationships

Reclaiming My Ex… Or at Least I Think I Want To

Tavion,

This may be a short letter, but it’s a little complicated.  Or maybe not, I’m not sure yet.  Sorry if it seems like I’m rambling, but my mind is a little all over the place.  I admitted to myself a few days ago that I still love my ex-boyfriend, and I’m not what to do.  For starters, me and my ex broke up about a year and a half ago and we both moved on.  Well theoretically I guess.

He’s been dating this guy for about 4 months, and I’ve had my current boyfriend for about a year.  Because my ex and I share mutual friends, we see each other from time to time.  So we are in each other’s face. Long story short, over the past month we’ve been talking more frequently and I just miss him. I still love him. I haven’t told him that yet, and we haven’t been sleeping around behind our boyfriends’ back, but I want to. Sleep together, not necessarily cheat. And while I haven’t talked to my ex about getting back together, I think he may want me as bad as I want him. I don’t what to do here, so yeah, help.

-Dumb or Confused

The Lifestyle

My Boyfriend Wants To Take A Break… What Am I to Do?

Hey T,

I was wondering if you could give me some advice.  So me and my boyfriend have been together since June of this year and last night he told me that he wants a break and that it is not me and that he knows I want to talk but he’s not ready to right now.  I’m completely devastated and heartbroken I don’t even know what to do.  I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM.  A part of me wants revenge, a part of me wants to disappear forever I’m so hurt I don’t know what to do.  If there is anything you can suggest I’m all ears?

-Rashaud

relationships

If the Relationship Is No Longer Working for You, You Can Leave

Hello T,

Nice work here, and talking to you is like talking to a big bro.  Ok that being said, I am a top guy and I am in love with this guy crazily and I know he loves me back in ways I can’t recant. I would say we are perfectly made in heaven for each other.  When we are together I feel like nothing else matters.  We met 6 years ago and he was straight and he wanted to explore the gay side and that’s when we got together. Since then, we’ve done everything together. We have built our lives together like a married couple. But about a month ago he invited his ex-girlfriend home, and one thing led into another and they had sex in the night while I was asleep.

To cut the long story short, ever since that one night of sex, a relationship has been born between them.  Like she comes over virtually every week and he has introduced her to everyone around as his girlfriend.  They talk about things that signals marriage in the long run, but he tells me he only likes her but loves me. He says she is a public cover because of the environment we come from typically African. Right now, I am confused and I feel broken.  I feel like a square peg that has been forced into a round hole. He feels he doesn’t have a future with me beyond this. T, I can’t find words anymore but I just hope you get the picture. I think of going out to have my own share of it all but that would signal payback………

-Karibi

Dating, relationships

When Should You Stop Seeking Closure from The Ex?

In one of those moments when my friends and I are were talking about any and everything, we began discussing relationships and closure.  We all agreed that should things go left in a relationship, and boos becomes exes, each person is entitled to closure. Each person deserves to know why and how things went left, if there is opportunity to reconcile, and certainty that remaining apart is the best option for both of them. However, not everyone will get closure when a relationship ends, and this brings me to the point of disagreement between my friends and myself.

relationships

How Do I Get Over My Cheating Ex?

Dear T,

I have a question I think you can help me with.  Or at least I’m hoping you can.  I’ve seen some of the advice you give other people, so I’m going to give this a shot.  It’s been a little over a month since my boyfriend and I have broken up, and I can’t seem to get over him. It still feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. I still miss the bastard.  See, my ex is someone I thought could be my husband one day.  What we had was real.  That’s what I thought until I found out he cheated on me.  He told me he hooked up with some random when he went out of town with his friends.  While I gave him credit for telling the truth, I couldn’t stay with someone that would do that to me.  I would have never done that to him.  The thing that really sucks, is that I can’t seem to move on.  I tried going on Jack’d and going to gay bars or whatever, but every time I think there is potential with someone, the person turns out to be a dud.  And plus, I can’t stop thinking about my ex. I’m a fool for still wanting him right? Anyway, simply put, how do I get over an ex?

-Alex Lovelong

relationships

My Ex is Back, Should I Give Him Another Shot

Hey T,

How do you trust a guy that has found nothing wrong with lying to you in the past?  An ex of mine from a few years ago reached out to me on Facebook about a month ago, and we’ve been kind of talking ever since.  I’ve been shy about going there with him again, because when we were together, he cheated on me twice.  Of course with the cheating came the lies.  While he said he’s changed, and regrets the past, I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I get hurt again.  What should I do here? Should I see where this goes? If I do that, what can I do about the trust issue?

Thanks,

King Raymond88

Dating, friendship

Stay Away from Your Friend’s Ex

When I was younger, I remember watching shows like One Tree Hill and the occasional rerun of Beverly Hills, 90210.  In all the drama of those shows, the one thing that always perplexed me, was how a group of friends felt so comfortable dating within the same circle.  For example, in the first show, the main character Lucas dated both Brooke and her best friend Peyton.  And not only did this Lucas date both women, he went back and forth between the two. Then there is the infamous Brenda, Dylan, and Kelly love triangle from Beverly Hills, 90210.  Dylan bounced between the two women whenever he felt like it.  Not to mention, Kelly dated two of Dylan’s best friends. I say all that to make the point, I thought scenarios like that only happened in Hollywood fiction. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve shockingly come to realize that dating in the same circle happens more frequently than I thought.

Me personally, I’ve never been a fan of dating in the same circle. I feel like it’s a gross violation of a friend code of some sort.  There is something so awkward about dating someone my best friend, my close associate, or coworker has been with.  It’s just a “no-go” for me.  I don’t want to be in a situation where people I know have firsthand knowledge of what my boo looks like naked, and what his strengths and weakness are in the bedroom.

And it’s not just about scooping someone’s “leftovers” that bugs me.  I’d be annoyed knowing a friend is messing with one of my exes.  There are too many men single and ready to mingle, for a friend to start dating a former flame of mine.  Let’s look at the numbers.  Across the U.S., there are approximately 151,800,000 men.  Of that number, experts estimate that at least 10% of them are gay. That’s roughly 15.2 million homosexual men.  Given I can count the number of people I consider an ex on one hand, I just think there is no need for any of my friends to hook-up with a guy I’ve been with.  The math is on my side here too.

Now I understand the arguments for why people don’t see the harm in dating a friend’s former flame.  For starters, there is the old saying, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”  While no person is trash, an ex for you may be the perfect match for someone else. And that someone else could very well be your BFF.  So how dare you ever attempt to stand in the way of true love.  You should swallow your feelings of discomfort and get over it.

Then there is the question, “why should you care?”  Numerous men and women will argue that once you put a man back on the market, he’s back on the market for anyone’s taking.  If a friend scoops him up after you, then you shouldn’t care because you didn’t want him.  If you do care and get upset, then you must be jealous, and that’s your personal problem to work through.

While the two points from the other side are valid, I just can’t agree.  Exes are like underwear that you don’t wear anymore because they’re uncomfortable.  If your friend ask to borrow them, you’d look at him like he’s crazy for asking.  And you’d look even crazier if you found out he was wearing the draws you no longer wanted without even asking you first.  You would be perplexed as to why he just doesn’t go get some fresh underwear of his own. It has nothing to do with jealousy, and everything to do with protocol in my book.

The moral of the story here, is dating within the same circle of friends is a fail of epic proportion in most instances.  It often causes more tension on friendship bonds than necessary.  A good rule of thumb to follow, is if a person is saved in your cellphone and you’ve contacted them more than three times in a year, their exes are off limits. Now this rule is applicable to friends’ exes, not one night stands.  However, I often apply it to folks’ one night stands as well.  I’d rather not go there either.