According to T,
I’m writing you about my problem, because my friends think I’m being an idiot. Hopefully you don’t think the same. The problem I’m having is I still love my ex. Quick backstory, we were only together for a little over a year, but toward the end of the relationship he started acting funny. I found out he was acting funny because his ex popped back up in his life and he realized he still had feelings for him. To be clear he didn’t cheat on me. He said he had feelings for both of us, but I wasn’t about to stick around while he was on the fence about who he wanted to be with, so I dipped.
Recently I ran into my ex at Starbucks, and he looked great. I mean, he was finer than I remember. Anyway, we talked for a little bit at Starbucks, then started texting later that night. He apologized for hurting me, and wishes he handled things between us differently. He says he and his ex weren’t meant to be and he’s completely over him, and he knew that shortly after we broke up. He didn’t call me because he thought I wouldn’t have answered the phone. And he’s right, because at that time I wouldn’t have answered the phone.
Now that some time has gone by, and we’ve cleared things up, I still feel drawn to him. I know he’s still feeling me, because he said he wants us to try again. My friends say I’d be an idiot to let him back in, but damn it I like him. What are your thoughts?
-Still Want Him
I’m in a terrible position and it’s one of my best friend’s fault. About two months ago my coworker invited me out to brunch. Since he was going to be the only person that I knew, he said I could invite a plus one, so I hit up my friend. I guess that was my mistake.
At brunch my coworker and friend were vibing, and after some mimosas and strong drinks, they started flirting heavy. I tried to block because I know how my friend is, and I didn’t want him pumping and dumping my coworker. Who wants that drama at work? My friend swore it wasn’t like that, and that he liked my coworker so I got out the way. Here I am two months later, and my coworker is pissed at me because he feels my friend ain’t sh*t. I mean my friend slept with my coworker more than once, but my friend kept misleading this guy into believing they were about to be coupled up. Which was not the case. I mean my friend pretty much ghosted him.
Long story short, I’m mad at my friend, my coworker is mad at me, and I shouldn’t even be in the middle of this. What should I do here to fix things?
Mr. Damn Pissed
I love your honest raw well written post. Thank you. I am seeing a widower. It is very new and completely uncharted waters for both parties. This month is a year anniversary of her passing. I have stepped back and provided more space than ever, as I would want. She had been very ill and he very care-giving for several years prior. I am giving him space, boundaries (which I highly believe in anyway and have often called out men in past regarding lack of), and baby steps. Frankly I am not ready to be hurt nor to jump into anything. My ex bf I left years ago but he passed suddenly and too young just this past January. So essentially, it seems right.
I am not allowing intimacy and he is not pushing it, he is very respectful, yet I totally feel the intense connection and possibilities but I do have fear. More than any relationship – I have ever been concerned about. Why? Because I adore this man. I feel him. His intensity, the future possibilities. I have went thru relationships in the past and I was not fully vested, I know it and it was not fair to the partner. I was never mean or rude but still I knew it my heart, deep down, they were not the one. This one seems legitimately wonderful on so many levels and none have to do with him losing his wife in the manner he did. I am torn, very torn. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much.
I just found your website when I’m looking for an answer on forgiveness for my husband. Me and my husband are in a long-distance relationship for more than a year. I’m working in Vietnam right now due to my job requirement. If the corona virus didn’t come, we would see each other in March already.
Since the pandemic exploded, Vietnam has locked down the international airport. And that is how my marriage is falling apart. My husband recently has a new lesbian friend. At first, I learned that she had problems with her girlfriend, so my husband hung out with her and give her advice. I only knew about her through my husband words, never really seen her face. But this July, I found her Facebook when I was surfing it…and what happened next ruined my soul completely.
I found her profile’s pics taken with my husband…with status says how much she loves him. Here, you might think that my husband lied about her sexuality, but the truth is she did have a girlfriend, I just can’t be sure if they are still together or not. That day, I felt like I was broken into pieces. I called my husband in the middle of the night, I asked him but he said she just did that to gain her girlfriend’s attention. Like an instinct, I kept asking him if they had sex. He kept saying why do I have to know things that would hurt me. But I said I would leave him if he didn’t tell me the truth and let me find out by myself. He then confessed that they did have sex.
My husband is the only man that I’ve ever loved in my life. I met him when I was 23, he is my first and last (I believed so). I have loved him more and more every single day. I dreamed of us soon having babies. When I knew about the affair. Everything seemed to collapse in front of me. To be honest, I was hurt so badly, the pain is stilling killing every piece of me every single day…but, my husband cried. He told me that at first they was drunk but then, he was just so lonely and they were just friends with benefits.
He said he loves me and he would kill himself if I left him and that I’m his everything. He said people make mistake and he can’t explain why he did what he did, but he never stops loving me. He didn’t want me to find out about the affair that way. He already ended that “fling” a while ago because he couldn’t take the guilty feelings every time he looked at me. That fling just last for 2 months with a few times sex. When I found out, he told that girl to take all the pictures down because that was not their deal and those pics should just be sent to her girlfriend only.
When I wrote this letter to you, I already told my husband that I forgave him. This is all because even when I’m in pain, I rather let myself suffer it alone than keep haunting him for what already done. I love my husband more than the pain that he caused, that’s why I chose to let things go. But what my husband didn’t know is that I still have nightmare every single night and I can’t stop myself from imagining the way he kissed her and the way they had sex. Can you tell me what do I have to do to get over the pain and to get rid of those imaginations? I don’t want my husband to keep punishing himself, I comfort him but I can’t stop myself from being haunted by what he did.
My boyfriend really made me pissed off. We’ve been living together for about 1 ½ years and we split the bills down the middle. 2 nights ago he asked me if I wouldn’t mind covering a few of the bills myself because he may come up a little short. I didn’t make a thing of it until he told me the reason he may come up short. He apparently lent his ex-boyfriend $350 so the ex could fix his car because it was apparently an emergency. Can you believe that?
I’ve tried to be as mature as possible about the fact my boyfriend and his ex are friends that still communicate heavy. I didn’t even trip, well too hard, when I threw my boyfriend a little birthday party back in February and the ex was on his list of guests. But now their friendship is affecting our finances, and I’m just over it. I want to cuss my boyfriend out, but I don’t want to sound like the insecure boyfriend. Is there a way to get my point across without causing a big blow up in my relationship?
I’m coming to you because I really like the advice you give.
Thanks in advance
I love my boyfriend so damn much, but he keeps telling me white lies. I’ll give you an example. One of our mutual friends recently posted a pic of his gym progress on Instagram and my boyfriend liked it. When I was talking to my boyfriend about how good our friend looks, he tells me he didn’t see the picture. I couldn’t figure out why he told that lie.
To give you another example, 2 months ago through random conversation he told me that the car he drives is all paid off. Then a week ago I saw a deal for like a cute vacation and he told me he didn’t have the money for one right now because he had to pay his car note. White lies like this are driving me nuts.
It’s weird because I feel like he’s truthful with the big things, but I have no idea why he tells these white lies. When I confront him on these lies, he always has an excuse, or tells me I misunderstood him. What would you do in my shoes? Keep in mind, everything else in our relationship is really good.
-Just Want the Truth
I’m trying to see if I should make it work with this guy or not. Keeping it one hundred, the only thing we really have is great sex and great food. He’s made me cry a few times while in bed because it was that good, and that has NEVER happened in my whole life. Oh and because he is a chef but not working like he used to, he sometimes cooks for me when I go over to his crib, and it’s good. I sometimes want to cry because of the food too. As a 31 year old, I know I can’t build a relationship off of good sex and food, but I’ve been in a relationship with a man that was okay in bed and didn’t even boil me water, but we had a lot in common to talk about. That relationship didn’t make it. So why not try to build a relationship with the chef? I think I know what you’ll say, but thought I’d ask anyway.
-My Chef Be Cooking
This is going to sound weird because it is weird. My boyfriend recently came to me and told me he had a confession. I thought he was going to tell me he cheated, but instead, he said he hadn’t cheated but felt like he wanted to cheat. He apparently said he sometimes feels like hooking up with other men, but won’t because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He said he did the right thing by telling me. I’m not sure how he’d think I respond, but I was pissed. He promised he didn’t do anything with anyone and didn’t hit anyone up. Even said I should be thankful he was honest with his feelings. He went onto say, he just wants us to do more to spice things and suggested some kind of open relationship where we get a pass to mess with a stranger every now and then. I just don’t know what to do with this info because I think an open relationship is the first step to us breaking up. Suggestions?
In love with a guy that has a man but puts me first when I’m around, but says he is leaving the guy. What to do? Lol
-Buck on It
Before I vent, I need you to know I’m not an insecure person. I love myself and know I’m cute. But the problem I’m having is with my boyfriend of 8 months. After hopping off of social media for about 2 months, he recently got back on and it’s annoying me. I don’t care about him liking guys’ posts on Instagram, but all the commenting. It’s like heart eye emojis, or comments talking about looking good. And he doesn’t even know most of these people. He knows I follow some of these people so I’m not sure why he feels so comfortable commenting like this when I can see. I feel like he’s almost cheating. When I talked about it, he said he was just complimenting guys and doing harmless flirting, but I’m the only one he wants and the flirting means nothing. That still didn’t make me feel that much better. What would you do here? Like am I bugging about nothing?