*I apologize for this being lengthy*
How does one deal with feeling less than perfect and cannot accept love, platonic or romantic? I am a thicker black gay man living in the South in his mid-twenties. Currently, I’m transitioning into a period of my life where I do not know what my future living, career, or life situation will be. This freedom of discovery is great, but has revealed my longtime self-doubt.
Let me explain: ever since I was 13, I have been living with mental illnesses, mainly depression and anxiety. Over the years, I have went through bullying and harassment, leading to very traumatic experiences which still haunt me today. Instead of feeling supported, life has taught me that it moves on, no accommodations can be made for you to process it and you just have to get over it. I’ve tried to commit suicide before, feeling hopeless. While I’m blessed I’m still here, it’s a feeling that doesn’t go away.
I have been told that I have a kind spirit, great personality, and that I am somewhat decent looking. Beauty is what I can see in others, but I can’t accept it myself. My stomach pokes out, my skin full of cuts and bruises, I feel and look ugly, just overall full of imperfections. I overthink everything in life, and especially how I just feel so out of place. I know that my awkwardness is very unappealing to others and I’m self-aware of this, despite everyone around me telling me that I am okay. Dealing with these things, I just know I am not “normal.” We’ve all heard that typical “What is normal?” speech and we should embrace our differences, but while living with a mental condition, you can’t take that to heart as you are always over-analyzing what makes you different. It’s a constant negative voice in your head that you can’t turn off and it drives you crazy.
You hear of your friends and their fun times, watch them work the room flawlessly. Just being in a big crowd of folks puts my anxiety on 100. Everyone has great sex stories, can pull anyone they want and yet I sit here with a good personality, but a good personality doesn’t get you Jack’d messages. I feel incapable of letting another person love me because I know all my flaws and I don’t want to put that on anyone else; they don’t deserve that stress. I wish everyone the best and I support them because I know rejection like a best friend and I don’t want them to experience that unhappiness. However, my mind won’t accept theirs because as much as I want & need it, I feel like I’m just being a burden to them.
Now my depression has been at an all-time low in the past few years and I’ve gotten back to physically abusing myself. This has really been starting to affect my friendships and potentials from getting to know me. I’m honest in that I’m a mess, and I feel that transparency that turns people away and further paint me as a weak individual. I severely suffer from a lack of confidence and my perfectionist attitude is imploding a path of destruction. I’ m over-drafting my support and love for others with nothing depositing for me. I just want to feel normal, be like everyone else. Is this even possible or just a pipe dream?
-A Wannabe Normal
Blog #3 let’s goooooo! I really wanna talk about my actual gratefulness day with you all because it ended up being AMAZING!! So usually I’m a bit sad on holidays whether it’s from not having a companion to spend the time with cuddling and just loving each other or whether it’s the constant reminder of watching my family drift apart over the years (heartbreaking). This year I actually wasn’t down though. I was pretty content and ready to spend the day to myself, sleeping, video gaming, listening to music, and just being creative.
I was wondering if you could give me some advice. So me and my boyfriend have been together since June of this year and last night he told me that he wants a break and that it is not me and that he knows I want to talk but he’s not ready to right now. I’m completely devastated and heartbroken I don’t even know what to do. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. A part of me wants revenge, a part of me wants to disappear forever I’m so hurt I don’t know what to do. If there is anything you can suggest I’m all ears?
He saved my number as SGL w does that mean?
Hey ya’ll! It’s me again, Euphonious K.Z.G. (not Tavion Scott) and this is blog #2!!! I hope this post finds you all well and with a bit more light and love in your lives than my first post. I just want to take this post to talk about my gratitude on Gratefulness Day.
Please help a brother out! I have a huge dilemma. I’m Black, Bisexual, Christian, and Undetectable…..need I say more? It has become extremely difficult to have a lasting relationship with either gender. I have been cut short because of my race, my beliefs, my sexuality, and/or my status. I am at a point where I’m ready (been ready) to settle down, build a life with my partner, and start a family. What to do?
I need some help here for my son. If he is gay that is fine and if not that is fine too. He started hanging with a friend he met and they get along great, which is cool. The thing is my son says he is confused because he likes to hang with his friend because he likes his values and the way he thinks but he does not like penis and his new friend is 100% gay. So what advice can I help give to him. I told him it seems like a companionship more than a relationship but they are pretty close in comparison and hard to help him understand what it is he has. I just love my son no matter what, and I just feel you can give some really good advice.
Thank you so very much,
Hello Readers! Before you read too far into this, let me start by saying this in fact is not Tavion Scott. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Euphonious K.Z.G. That’s pronounced U-Phony-Us. Tavion decided to loan me his platform on this fine Monday. Heck, this Monday and the Mondays to come. See, he asked me to be his first guest writer for his blog which blew my mind. So I am humbled and honored to have this opportunity and space to share my thoughts, creativity, emotions, weirdness, and light with you all. I hope you enjoy this journey with me. Now I’m a novice and an artist…so I’m sensitive about my shit lol.
Whenever individuals decide to put their heart in the hands of another person, there is always a chance their heart will take on a few bumps and bruises. Folks are imperfect and prone to make mistakes, and some relationships and situationships simply can’t survive the imperfections and mistakes. People lie. People cheat. Heck, sometimes people do both. And broken hearts are the result. However, I wish people stop using the experience of heartache and pain, to demonize all men and to swear off all men.
- Philly Black Gay Pride (April 27-April 30)
While Philly has never been my favorite city (no offense to the folks from there), this has always been a great kickoff to pride events on the East coast. Given that the event coincides with the track and field Penn Relays, the city is full of people. Not to mention, the city is in driving distance for many people in the Northeast.