I’ve been dating this girl for just over a year now and in the beginning before we started dating, we would talk about our hoe pasts (which at the time I didn’t care cause I had no intentions of dating her). Now that we’ve been dating, I can’t seem to stop thinking about what she’s said about her past. Just recently, someone I know (a friend of my friend) has told me that she’s a hoe and that I should pretty much break up with her. Part of me believes him and part of me doesn’t cause she treats me with so much respect and does a lot for me.
What’s your take on this matter?
Thanks for writing to me. I’m going to start my response off by sharing a sentiment that I commonly tell people when dating. Someone’s romantic past is none of your business. Unless that person is still married, has kids, or has slept with an individual in your inner circle, you aren’t entitled to know who they dated and/or had sex with before you. The fact that you two decided to share what each of you has done in the past was a choice you all made, but was by no means a requirement. This point is important to bring up because you are making a judgment call about someone you like based on information she never had to tell you. And to make matters worse, you’re further judging her because of something a friend of your friend said.
While I know you stated you had reservations about dating this girl because of her history, it sounds like you’re allowing what other people think to drive you into questioning a breakup. Even the words of a person you don’t really know. I’d encourage you to stop letting the opinions of others dictate how you move in your romantic life. I mean, it’s understandable that we all want our family and friends to approve of who we’re dating. However, their judgments shouldn’t be the sole determination in your personal life.
And now let’s get to something I want to caution you against in the future. In this day and age of sex positivity, calling a person a hoe in the way you’re referring to the woman you’re seeing is pretty much slut-shaming. You’re determining whether she’s good enough for you based on her “body count.” That’s not fair, especially considering who she slept with before you happened BEFORE YOU. I’d be more inclined to endorse you giving her a red flag if she was “sleeping” with men while seeing you, because then I could see how you’d feel betrayed and hurt. Also, it’s a little hypocritical to criticize her sex life considering you have an active history of your own in the bedroom.
Lastly, let me say I don’t think it was your intention of slut-shaming anyone. You, like many people, may just prefer to get in a relationship with a person where you feel there is a hint of exclusivity. You want to feel like you are locking down a person that very few people have had access to sexually. I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling this way if this is indeed the case. But going forward, just be careful in how you express this perspective so it doesn’t sound like you’re condemning anyone.
Suggestions going forward
- You yourself said this woman “treats me with so much respect and does a lot for me.” If you really like this girl, which it sounds like you do, don’t talk yourself out of a good thing because of her past. Especially, since you both have one.
As always nothing but love,
And hey folks! Make sure you check out the all-new season of Majoring in Me the Podcast. It’s still a scripted show about a Black boy in college trying to awkwardly navigate his way through adulthood.