I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly a decade and last year I found out that he cheated on me with his “best” female friend. Needless to say, I was devastated, especially because I had become cool with her over the course of our relationship. Double betrayal much? I decided to give the relationship one last shot, but he needed to completely cut that friend off.
Now, 6 months later he is still talking to the friend even though it’s cordial, and I have an issue with that. The friend has apologized to me woman to woman, but I still just don’t want them to be friends. We have several mutual friends who of course don’t know what happened. I am not sure if it is me being insecure, still hurt over the situation, or just a b*tch, but I can’t understand why he can’t just cut her off. Do you think since I forgave my boyfriend and am working past the situation with him that I should do the same for her?
Thanks for writing to me. You find yourself in a very tough situation. A decade with one partner is a long time. That’s a lot of love and a lot of history. With that said, I’m sorry to hear about this recent low in your relationship. Wrestling with feelings of hurt and betrayal is never a fun experience. But to your credit, you’ve managed to attempt a path forward with your boyfriend, and I can applaud that.
Now getting into the particulars of your question, I’m going to have to stop you from being hard on yourself and thinking you’re insecure. Your boyfriend cheated on you with someone he presented to you as his best friend. Heck, you even developed a friendship with this woman yourself. Most people in your shoes would not want her in their face at any moment or time after she slept with their significant other. That has nothing to do with being insecure. People just don’t want a constant reminder of their boyfriend’s infidelity in their face when they’re trying to move forward with their partner.
Plus, you have managed to forgive your boyfriend, but haven’t forgotten what happened. You being uncomfortable with him and his friend hanging out alone is normal. Heck, it’s smart.
And look, as far as forgiving this woman and trying to salvage your friendship with her, I can’t give you a firm answer on that. You’ll have to decide for yourself. However, I’m going to share with you what my pastor once shared with me. He said forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Essentially, he was saying you can forgive a person for hurting you and let go of any grudges, but you don’t have to give them the access to your space that they once had. Denying someone access to you is your right, and doesn’t have to be a malicious act. It can be about maintaining your peace and sanity. So, if you don’t want to reconcile with this girl right now or in the foreseeable future, that’s fine. Again, just make sure you forgive her if you haven’t already.
Suggestions going forward
- Remember, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to reconcile with a person. If you don’t have a grudge toward this friend, but don’t want her around you, that’s your right. And as far as her being around your boyfriend, sit him down explain to him why you aren’t comfortable with him still talking to her on a one-on-one basis. Emphasize that it’s not about being insecure or jealous, but about you trying to continue on a path forward in your relationship with him. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed in this situation.
As always nothing but love,