I can’t stand my best friend’s trifling ass boyfriend, well now fiancé. There are a few things that piss me off about him. First, he acts real funny around me like I have the plague, and I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s homophobic. Me and best friend could be talking and laughing like we usually do in front of him, and he just has this resting b&tch face and stares. Now when we do see each other, he will dap me up or whatever, but it’s always awkward.
The second reason I don’t like him is because him and my best friend live together, but she pays most of the bills. I mean he does work, but he works at the UPS store and she has a good government job. They aren’t equally yoked.
The last reason I don’t like him is since they’ve been together, she just doesn’t have fun with me like she used to. Yeah we still laugh and talk on occasion, but we don’t go out. And when we do, it seems like she’s always rushing home to him.
My question is, am I crazy for feeling the way I do? And If not, how do I get my friend back?
-The Real Rider
Dear The Real Rider,
Thanks for writing to me. Although your letter was brief, you left me with a lot to unpack here. Given that’s the case, let’s just jump into it.
So here’s the thing, based on what you wrote, it sounds like your whole issue is you miss your “single” bestie. You miss her being readily available to do whatever/whenever, without her taking into consideration what a significant other may have to say. You miss not being made to feel like a third wheel when the fiancé is around. You miss your quality bestie time. And along those lines, you aren’t crazy, or wrong for missing her. But then again, she’s not crazy either. She’s living her soon-to-be-married life.
I hate to tell you, but most folks in happy relationships rather be at home boo’d up than be out in the streets. On occasions when your bff wants to be at home with her man, you can’t fault her for that. Plus, she’s one person and there are only 24 hours in a day. If she isn’t available to hang all the time, cut her some slack.
Also, I have to correct you with your comment about her not being “equally yoked.” Equally yoked is not necessarily a concept that refers to two people being on the same financial playing field. I’m going to try a metaphor here, so hopefully, I won’t lose you.
Back in the day, people often used pairs of oxen to help them farm the land. In any given pair, two oxen were bound together by a wooden yoke. On many occasions, the oxen in each pair weren’t exact replicas of each other, differing in size, age, and even temperament. So it was entirely possible that one ox was stronger and younger, and the other was more trustworthy and reliable. Farmers didn’t mind when this was the case, because each ox complimented the other perfectly, and the end result was always successfully completed work.
Bringing this back around to my point with you. I understand that your friend and her fiancé live together, and she’s paying the majority of the bills. However, he may stronger and providing in other areas where she’s weaker that cause the two of them to complement one another, and actually prove to be a recipe for a successful marriage. He could be more spiritually grounded than your friend, and mellow out her anxiety. He could be doing all the cooking and cleaning in their home, even though she pays more of the bills. Either way, your bestie and her boo could be perfectly matched, even if they aren’t in the same tax bracket.
Suggestions going forward
- Again, since it’s clear your big issue here is you miss your bff, just tell her that (but leave her man out of the conversation). I’m sure once you do, she may make a bigger effort to hang out with you one on one. However, don’t expect her to be your “single” bestie anymore. She probably won’t be as available as she once was. And you need to be more understanding of that.
- I didn’t talk about it above, because I can’t say one way or the other, but I’m not sure if the fiancé is homophobic. He could just have a natural resting b*tch face, and be awkward because he just doesn’t know you that well. However, keep your eye open and see if there are other signs that he could be homophobic.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you check out Season 2 of Majoring in Me the Podcast. Tristan is still Black. Still gay. And adulting is still kicking his ass.