Imma keep this as short as possible. I’m bisexual and when I was 23 I had my daughter with my best friend. I mean at the time we were dating, but since we broke up we’ve stayed real cool. Now I’m almost 30 and I have a boyfriend who I love. We been together for about 2 years. He gets along well with my daughter, and he was getting along with her mom until she asked me to have another kid with her.
She wants another baby, and because things worked well with us, she wants me to be the dad. I’ll admit, I’ve thought about having another kid before, but not under these circumstances. Again, I love my boyfriend, and he’s really not with the idea of me having another child with my friend. Like at all. In fact, we got into an argument about it. And things are real weird between my daughter’s mom and my boyfriend, especially because she keeps pressing the issue. Long story short, I kind of want the kid, but not enough to compromise my relationship. What’s your advice? Who should I choose?
-GirlDad Maybe Twice
Dear GirlDad Maybe Twice,
Thanks for writing to me. Your letter may be short, but it is far from simple. You’re basically asking me whether you should choose between your desire to grow your family and your relationship with a man you love? That’s a life decision I don’t want to make for anyone. So, I won’t. However, I do have some advice for you.
In your letter, you didn’t really specify why your boyfriend has an issue with the possibility of you and your friend having another kid. If he has an issue with the conception method, you and your BFF could propose the idea of going to a fertility clinic and conceiving a child that way (if you have the funds). You simply donate the sperm, and they’ll impregnate your friend at the clinic. That way there’s no sex involved.
Now if your boyfriend has a problem with you having another kid with your best friend out of a fear of not knowing what that means for his priority in your life, then you should talk with him and reassure him. Emphasize that whether you have another kid or not, he is an important person in your world. Tell him how much he means to you. Take it a step further and show him, which doesn’t necessarily mean expensive gifts (you should know your boyfriend’s love language and know what makes him feel appreciated).
Outside of the possible whys in terms of your boyfriend’s objections, I’m curious to know if you and your best friend explained to your boyfriend what possible role he would play in this growing family. I know he’s just the boyfriend and not the husband, but if your relationship is serious, you at the very least should tell him what you envision the future to be like for you two, and for this family.
Suggestions going forward
- Again, deciding whether to expand your family is not a decision I can make for you. However, if having another child is important to you, then have another conversation with your boyfriend about it. Ask him about any concerns he may have and explain to him why having another child is important to you (and not important to your best friend).
- Additionally, if you’re not interested in having another kid, don’t let your best friend pressure you into it. You can say no to her and don’t have to feel guilty doing so.
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some MAJOR drama is coming!