Straight up, I love sex. Not that I’m having sex with any and everybody because I have a boyfriend. We been together for a little over a year, and when we started out in his thing sex was amazing. I mean some of the best I’ve ever had, and we were having sex like five times a week. But over the past month, I’m lucky if we have sex twice a week, and even then he’s not doing the things he used to do. For real, I’m pissed about it. I tried talking to him about it, but he says he’s just been busy at work. I get work being stressful, but he still has time to take his ass out during Covid to hang with friends. He still goes to the gym, and if he can work out in the gym he can work out with me. I don’t think I’m being selfish, because sex is an important part in our relationship and he knows that. What do you think?
-Sexless in My City
Dear Sexless in My City,
Thanks for writing to me. For a lot of people, consistent good sex in a relationship is an important thing. It’s right up there with loyalty and trust. If there isn’t consistent good sex, or at least great foreplay, the relationship starts drifting to a frustrating journey, with a possible breakup ahead. So, I understand why you’re a bit concerned.
The shoes you currently find yourself in are one that many coupled-up folks can relate to. When a relationship is fresh and new, partners usually have a tendency to be ready on site, and I don’t mean fighting. They have that 24/7 chemistry that always has their hormones on ten. There are some individuals reading this right now that can recall the first several months of a past or current relationship, and smile thinking about where some things happened where they shouldn’t have happened. But then after some time goes by, almost all relationships settle.
Tapping into my southern roots, we recognize that every new home will eventually settle. What that means is that after a while, a brand-new house won’t look, feel, and sound the same. You see some cracks in the concrete, notice that some windows become harder to open, and hear certain parts of the floor creak when you step on it. These aren’t bad things necessarily, or cause for you to put the house on the market. The house is simply settling.
That happens in romance to a degree. You may see your mate has hair growing out their nose, notice they have more than one habit that gets on your nerve, and don’t get some on the regular like you used to. And just like with a new home settling, when this happens in a relationship, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, just like with a house, if you don’t pay attention and nurture what needs to be nurtured, you run this risk of a great investment becoming dilapidated and in poor shape.
Talk to your man. Yes, I understand you’ve had a conversation about it with him already, but did he hear you? Does he know how much you value sex? And not just sex, but sex with him? Also, feel free to ask him if there is something else bothering him. Finally, don’t be afraid to spice things up in case he needs the romance taken up a notch.
Suggestions going forward
- Again, have another conversation with this man.
- Remember, it’s natural for most relationships not to have as much sex frequency as the relationship matures and grows. But to prevent the passion from dying out, talk to each other and be willing to try new things in the bedroom (or wherever).
As always nothing but love,
By the way, make sure you’re all caught up on Season One of my scripted show Majoring in Me the Podcast. Season Two is in the works, and some MAJOR drama is coming!