I love your honest raw well written post. Thank you. I am seeing a widower. It is very new and completely uncharted waters for both parties. This month is a year anniversary of her passing. I have stepped back and provided more space than ever, as I would want. She had been very ill and he very care-giving for several years prior. I am giving him space, boundaries (which I highly believe in anyway and have often called out men in past regarding lack of), and baby steps. Frankly I am not ready to be hurt nor to jump into anything. My ex bf I left years ago but he passed suddenly and too young just this past January. So essentially, it seems right.
I am not allowing intimacy and he is not pushing it, he is very respectful, yet I totally feel the intense connection and possibilities but I do have fear. More than any relationship – I have ever been concerned about. Why? Because I adore this man. I feel him. His intensity, the future possibilities. I have went thru relationships in the past and I was not fully vested, I know it and it was not fair to the partner. I was never mean or rude but still I knew it my heart, deep down, they were not the one. This one seems legitimately wonderful on so many levels and none have to do with him losing his wife in the manner he did. I am torn, very torn. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much.
Thanks for writing to me and for your kind words. It always feels nice to have my perspective appreciated and complimented; so again, thank you. Before I jump in with my advice for you, I’d also like to commend you on your ability to call yourself out on your “flaws” in past relationships. Not everyone is capable, or willing, to do that. So, congrats on that.
Now as far as your situation, I honestly don’t have much to say. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing. You’re waiting. Waiting until you and the guy you’re seeing both feel comfortable to take the next steps in your “entanglement.” Given what you’ve both gone through in terms of loss (which I’m so sorry to hear about), the last thing you want to do is rush into a relationship when there is grief involved.
However, don’t allow grief to prevent you from moving on with someone that may be a wonderful partner for you. You can’t put your life on pause forever because you fear moving on. You have to be willing to take those steps forward into your future. And if this guy makes you feel like taking those steps, then go for it if fear of the unknown is the only thing holding you back.
Suggestions going forward
- Have a conversation with this man and see if you both are gravitating toward the same page. A real open and honest conversation will help you figure out whether you’re prepared to move on.
As always nothing but love,
Oh, and make sure you check out my new scripted show, Majoring in Me the Podcast.