I just found your website when I’m looking for an answer on forgiveness for my husband. Me and my husband are in a long-distance relationship for more than a year. I’m working in Vietnam right now due to my job requirement. If the corona virus didn’t come, we would see each other in March already.
Since the pandemic exploded, Vietnam has locked down the international airport. And that is how my marriage is falling apart. My husband recently has a new lesbian friend. At first, I learned that she had problems with her girlfriend, so my husband hung out with her and give her advice. I only knew about her through my husband words, never really seen her face. But this July, I found her Facebook when I was surfing it…and what happened next ruined my soul completely.
I found her profile’s pics taken with my husband…with status says how much she loves him. Here, you might think that my husband lied about her sexuality, but the truth is she did have a girlfriend, I just can’t be sure if they are still together or not. That day, I felt like I was broken into pieces. I called my husband in the middle of the night, I asked him but he said she just did that to gain her girlfriend’s attention. Like an instinct, I kept asking him if they had sex. He kept saying why do I have to know things that would hurt me. But I said I would leave him if he didn’t tell me the truth and let me find out by myself. He then confessed that they did have sex.
My husband is the only man that I’ve ever loved in my life. I met him when I was 23, he is my first and last (I believed so). I have loved him more and more every single day. I dreamed of us soon having babies. When I knew about the affair. Everything seemed to collapse in front of me. To be honest, I was hurt so badly, the pain is stilling killing every piece of me every single day…but, my husband cried. He told me that at first they was drunk but then, he was just so lonely and they were just friends with benefits.
He said he loves me and he would kill himself if I left him and that I’m his everything. He said people make mistake and he can’t explain why he did what he did, but he never stops loving me. He didn’t want me to find out about the affair that way. He already ended that “fling” a while ago because he couldn’t take the guilty feelings every time he looked at me. That fling just last for 2 months with a few times sex. When I found out, he told that girl to take all the pictures down because that was not their deal and those pics should just be sent to her girlfriend only.
When I wrote this letter to you, I already told my husband that I forgave him. This is all because even when I’m in pain, I rather let myself suffer it alone than keep haunting him for what already done. I love my husband more than the pain that he caused, that’s why I chose to let things go. But what my husband didn’t know is that I still have nightmare every single night and I can’t stop myself from imagining the way he kissed her and the way they had sex. Can you tell me what do I have to do to get over the pain and to get rid of those imaginations? I don’t want my husband to keep punishing himself, I comfort him but I can’t stop myself from being haunted by what he did.
Thanks for writing to me. First and foremost, I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your situation. Dealing with a husband cheating in a relationship is hard enough, but trying to navigate this issue under the strain of the Corona Virus and with the distance that exists between you two, is even more complex. So again, I’m sorry to hear what you’re currently going through.
From what you stated, it sounds like you’re looking for a quick fix for you and your husband to get past his cheating. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. No matter how sorry he is and how bad you want to forget what happened, forgiveness and reconciliation just don’t happen overnight. While I’m sure you two still love each other, there was a break down in trust and communication, and you need both of those for a relationship to be successful. At the moment he cheated, you lost that trust and realized your communication with your husband may not have been the best. So now, you have to rebuild those to get your marriage back on track, and that takes time. There are no shortcuts for that process.
If you really want to try and repair your relationship, you two should invest in some couple’s therapy. Having a licensed and neutral third-party involved can help you both navigate through all the emotions you may be feeling while setting you on a path to healthy reconciliation (if that’s feasible). Given you two are not in the same city at the moment, and due to Covid-19 restrictions, this counseling may have to take place virtually. But, it’s important you two get some.
Lastly, let me say this. Under no circumstances should you ever let a partner guilt you into staying in a relationship. Your husband telling you things like “he would kill himself” if you left him is manipulative. That kind of emotional blackmail isn’t fair to you. And if he’s serious about that kind of thinking, he needs some one-on-one counseling with a licensed professional.
Suggestions going forward
- Don’t stay in a relationship unless you want to. With all of life’s challenges, don’t do things that will make you miserable.
- Remember, if you decide to work on your marriage, it’s going to take time.
As always nothing but love,
Oh, and make sure you check out my new scripted show, Majoring in Me the Podcast.