My boyfriend really made me pissed off. We’ve been living together for about 1 ½ years and we split the bills down the middle. 2 nights ago he asked me if I wouldn’t mind covering a few of the bills myself because he may come up a little short. I didn’t make a thing of it until he told me the reason he may come up short. He apparently lent his ex-boyfriend $350 so the ex could fix his car because it was apparently an emergency. Can you believe that?
I’ve tried to be as mature as possible about the fact my boyfriend and his ex are friends that still communicate heavy. I didn’t even trip, well too hard, when I threw my boyfriend a little birthday party back in February and the ex was on his list of guests. But now their friendship is affecting our finances, and I’m just over it. I want to cuss my boyfriend out, but I don’t want to sound like the insecure boyfriend. Is there a way to get my point across without causing a big blow up in my relationship?
I’m coming to you because I really like the advice you give.
Thanks in advance
Dear Mr. P,
Thanks for writing to me, and thanks for seeing the value in the perspective I offer. Like I always say, positive feedback helps serve as fuel for me to keep this site up and running. So again, thank you. Now onto the reason you reached out to me.
For starters, there aren’t that many people who could be in your shoes and have a boyfriend who has such an active friendship with his ex. Especially to the point where a boyfriend is lending out money to an ex/friend at the expense of not having money for shared bills. I say all that not to throw salt in your relationship wound, but to commend you for fighting against natural feelings of insecurity and perhaps jealousy, and not just exploding already on your boyfriend.
While I again applaud your maturity and trust in your partner, it seems those are the very things that gave your boyfriend the false impression that he could just loan money to his ex at the expense of the life you two are building together. He probably gave the money without consulting you because he figured you’d be “okay” with it. That makes me wonder what kind of boundaries you two have discussed when it comes to his ex.
Did you and your boyfriend ever sit down and talk about the importance of him giving your relationship and your personal feelings priority over the friendship he maintains with his ex? Have you been open and honest with him about how some of his interactions with your ex make you uncomfortable? Based on what you stated in your letter, it sounds like you haven’t had these conversations, or you weren’t upfront about your true feelings if you did.
Suggestions going forward.
- You aren’t wrong for being upset with your boyfriend. So have a face-to-face conversation with your boyfriend and tell him all of your thoughts and concerns. You don’t have to yell at him or blow up on him, but stand firm in your opinion. He should understand where you’re coming from, and if he loves you, he should hear your concerns and takes steps to make you comfortable.
- Not that I’m trying to feed into any negative thoughts, but ask your boyfriend why he felt compelled to give money he couldn’t afford to lend? You deserve to know, and his answer may prove quite telling.
As always nothing but love,
Oh, and make sure you check out my new scripted show, Majoring in Me the Podcast.