I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We spoke about moving in together this upcoming August. We never had a real argument until last June. He went to a guy’s party (he told me he was going to a party but didn’t tell me who it was). I found out the guy who had the party was a guy who went into my boyfriend’s DM and was flirting with him. I found out who the guy was by snooping. I confronted him and told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him going. Long story short, he still went even though he knew I was uncomfortable. Today 5/19 I found out they are still talking. The guy posted on my bf birthday picture saying he wish he could celebrate with him. Now I feel some type of way that they still talking. I also feed disrespected due to the fact one of our only argument was about this guy and it seems like it doesn’t matter to him.
Thanks for writing to me. Let me start this off by congratulating you on your four years of coupledom. Navigating a healthy relationship for several years is not always the easiest thing to do. It takes love, patience, respect, a spirit of compromise, and trust. So again, congrats on your accomplishment.
As far as my advice for your situation, it’s going to stim from something I just mentioned. Trust. Although your letter was brief, it sounds like you are currently having a hard time trusting your boyfriend; and taking this even further, it sounds like your trust issues may have happened before you found out about your mate and this guy flirting. I’m curious to know what prompted you to “snoop” in the first place. What happened to make you question the real identity of this mystery man? And did you find out he was flirting with your man because your man told you, or because you looked in your boyfriend’s DM? I bring this all up as it seems to me you may have felt a shift in your relationship to make you question what your boyfriend is up to.
Look, during the course of even the healthiest relationship, periods will arise when the couple is “off.” Where people in the coupledom may feel distant from one another because life hits, causing one or both people to change or behave differently. And when these moments happen, it’s up to the couple to work through those times together. To get to the bottom of why the relationship feels off, and to create a plan on how to get back on track. I say all of this because if you were feeling like you and your boyfriend were “off,” and that led you to snoop, I encourage you to have an open dialogue with your man about it. Talk it out, and together hash a plan of resolution.
Now about your boyfriend continuing to converse with a person that is flirtatious. I’m not really a supporter of ultimatums, but I do think you can strongly voice your concerns with your boyfriend about how his interactions with this guy make you uncomfortable. If you share your frustrations in the right way, and he loves you, he’ll take your concerns seriously and takes steps to address the issue.
Suggestions going forward
- Have a face-to-face conversation with your man and tell him how uncomfortable his “friendship” with this guy from the DM makes you. Focus on being informational rather than confrontational. And while you’re talking, have that dialogue about the real root of your relationship concerns.
- If there are underlying trust issues at work here, you should work on those before you move in with your boyfriend.
As always nothing but love,
P.S. Make sure you check out my new scripted show, Majoring in Me the Podcast.