relationships

He Doesn’t Want Our Child, Should I Tell Him to Just Go?

the child

Hi there.

I’m 20 weeks pregnant with a man I’ve known for only 6 months. He doesn’t want the baby but he is trying to be there for me. He’s been by my side since we found out. The only problem is he hasn’t told his family and seems like he wants to keep everything a secret. He has not met my family either because I haven’t met his. And my family wants it to be that way out of respect until I get to meet his family.

He recently told me he told his older sister about the pregnancy. Which is a start… but every day that I am with him he tells me he still can’t believe I put him in this situation.. and he had no choice. Today I finally told him he does not have to be here for me anymore and that I can do it on my own.. knowing his heart is not in it. He’s upset that I made my own decisions and also upset that I can drop everything like that, but how can I stay with someone whose heart and mind is somewhere else.. I rather have him live his life and never look back because it was my decision and my fault for making my own choices. I don’t want it to be forced love either.. He also can’t let go of his ex-girlfriend. I found a photo of her in his wallet. I don’t want him being unhappy with me and playing house with me because he feels bad or feels like he has to be here. I rather set him free and let him live his life with someone he truly wants to be with. I don’t know if I’m making the wrong choice but I also told him I will always be here.. I’m not going anywhere but maybe it’s best for the both of us to go our separate ways.

Knowing it’s 1 sided, I know he cares for me and he does tell me it’s up to me and that I’m pushing him away, but I’m truly not because I know deep down inside this isn’t what he wants. He’s a man with pride and feels like he should be here for me. But I don’t want any fake love, I rather be alone and do things alone then make him feel like I have a hold on him. He’s in pain and is confused and I am thinking about his feelings. And maybe he is just scared to actually make that step to leave or move on because he feels scared to leave us behind. But knows he wants to. He told me he’s thought about it. I decided to save both of us and tell him its ok we can both go on with our lives and I will not bother him anymore. For him to focus on himself only, and this could be a new start for the both of us. I am dying inside but I can’t hurt and force someone to be part of something they never wanted to be part of.

Am I being smart or selfish? I have no idea. I just feel like a horrible person who ruined his life. I am also thinking about myself, I want to adjust being alone and prepare myself for the future and for my baby. Because at the end of the day you only got yourself. So please help me. I’m sorry that was a long read… thank you for your time.

-Azaria

Dear Azaria,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry you’re currently dealing with this added stress during your pregnancy. While I don’t know from personal experience, I’ve heard being pregnant is quite the journey. One that doesn’t need the added stress of relationship problems. And having said that, the advice I have for you is mostly rooted in my concern for the baby.

First and foremost, don’t push this man away from his responsibilities. I know the romantic feelings between you two are complicated, and it may hurt to be around him, but you have to think about the future of this child. I’m the product of an amazing single mother. However, I had to deal with some complex scars from the past because of my father’s absence in my own life. While my mom encouraged him to be around, he still made his own choice not to be.

For your baby’s sake, you want to encourage this man to be an active part of your child’s life to help avoid emotional scarring later down the road. Plus, you want your child to know you tried to help his or her relationship with their father. Not to mention, you’re going to want financial support from this man for 18 years. Heck, diapers, cribs, childcare, and school supplies aren’t cheap these days.

As far as the status of the romantic relationship with this guy, you may not be able to focus on that right now. At this point, your relationship as co-parents is far more important. Uncomplicating things now for the interest of providing a stable environment for your child is more important.

And lastly, let me point out one VERY important fact. Stop accepting the “blame” for this situation. Your pregnancy was the result of two consenting adults. If your boyfriend was this adamant about not wanting a kid, he could have taken several precautions. So don’t let him make you feel as if you tricked him into having this baby. After all, I’m assuming you didn’t trick him into having sex.

Suggestions going forward

  1. I’m not saying you two should never try to work things out romantically. I just think you should prioritize your relationship as parents.
  2. Now as far as this man’s ex goes, don’t necessarily assume this man wants to be with her based on a photo. While it is definitely suspicious that he has a photo of her in his wallet, from my own personal experience, I can tell you I have things in my wallet I forgot were there. Heck, because of your letter, I decided to really go through my wallet, and I found an old gift card, a Regal Cinema card, and old receipts. All of which I had forgotten were in there. So if you want to know for sure if he wants his ex, you should respectfully ask. But again, you should focus on co-parenting.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot)

P.S. Be sure to check out my latest podcast, Majoring in Me the Podcast.

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