I have been seeing this guy for 2 years. We met on a dating app and at the beginning we were both looking for casual dating. He is 40 yrs old has never been married, has no kids, and travels for work. He said he wasn’t looking for anything serious because he travels for work he can’t give me that commitment of a real relationship. I am 35 yrs old and I have an 8 yr old daughter. Casual dating was perfect at first because of my schedule, I had my daughter in almost daily activities and figured we can occasionally hang out. Fast forward to now, my feelings are really strong for him. Like this is the man I want to marry and I want more than just hanging out. Part of me wants to continue what we have because our times together are amazing and I am hopeful that with time he will want more. My past relationships I have always rushed things and this is why I am just going with the flow of things, let life take its course. But at the same time I can’t help to think that this may never be more than what it is. I do like what we have but now I want more. Should I continue what we have until I’m fed up or just call it quits?
Thanks for writing to me. You’re in what I would call a Grade A Situationship. You and this man have been hanging out for too long to just be strangers that hook up every now and then; yet, you two haven’t agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. But the thing about situationships that’s frustrating for most folks, including myself, is they aren’t clear-cut. And with matters of the heart, when things are not black and white, life can get complicated.
The unfortunate part of your dilemma is this guy told you upfront what he didn’t want. From the start of your situationship, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Given his track record of not having been married nor having kids, he seems to have meant what he said when he said it. You may have started on the same page as he did in terms of desiring to keep things casual, but things changed for you. And who can blame you? For most people, two years is a long time to keep something as just casual and not catch feelings.
Having said all of that, let me also say that closed mouths don’t get fed. If you really want things between you and this man to evolve into something else, have a conversation with him and express your feelings. You don’t have to approach him with a “be my boyfriend now or I walk” kind of attitude. Simply ask if he’s thought about you two being more. And if you feel like that’s putting yourself out there too much, you can try asking if he thought about settling down now that he’s 40. In your letter, you asked if you should just continue on in what you have now until you get fed up. Because you reached out to me, I think you’re about to that point.
Suggestions going forward
- If you have a conversation with this guy about a relationship and he’s not wanting to settle down, try not to be too upset with him. Again, he told you in the beginning what he did and didn’t want.
- You aren’t wrong for wanting a relationship at this point in your life. You and this guy started talking two years ago and are still dealing with one another. If you happen to end things with this man, remember for the next time that it’s hard to keep things casual for two years and not catch feelings. Heck, it’s hard not to catch feelings after six months.
As always nothing but love,