I need advice more than I can express. I have been in a relationship with this guy for about a year and a half. For most of that time he was going through separation from his baby mama, I am a mom of two children a 9 year old and a 3 year old and he has a two year old. We have been through a lot together including an abortion of a child neither of us could have at the time because he was still living with his baby mama as she still had not found a place to move. After she moved we became official. It’s been great until I found out I was pregnant again. I went on birth control but I still ended up pregnant. He doesn’t want it but I can’t and won’t have another abortion. Its too much emotional turmoil. He says he will resent me if I have it but will be there for me because it is his responsibility. A part of me thinks he is scared of all the unknowns, all the changes and responsibility that come with a child but another part of me now wonders if he truly even saw a future with me? I don’t know what to do. Should I follow my heart keep the baby and move in with him?
Thanks for writing to me. Let me start this off by apologizing for the delay. Last week I was working on a few things that kept me super busy. I always to try do my best to answer questions as soon as possible, but last week time escaped me. So again, please accept my apologies.
As far as your question goes, while I’m not a woman capable of carrying a child, I greatly applaud those who are. Being able to carry a child to term is a gift that I certainly recognize and celebrate. And having said that, let me also say I recognize a woman’s right to decide what she wants to do with her own body. It’s not my place to ever tell you (or any woman) what to do in that regard.
Now having said all that, based on what you told me, I’m doubtful that your boyfriend has been completely upfront and honest with you about his feelings and his situations in life. When you got pregnant the first time with his baby, you said he didn’t want the baby because he was “still living with his baby mama.” If things were really over between him and this woman at the time, it seems to me that he would have been less concerned about her feelings and more concerned about his relationship with you and your then future child. He could have helped the mother of his other child find a place, or even perhaps moved in with you while she stayed at their place. And look, I understand he may have wanted to show this other woman some respect and maybe not rock the boat with her to disrupt their co-parenting. However, if he was worried about these things, he probably shouldn’t have pursued you until he was actually “free” to move on.
Because I appreciate the beauty of motherhood, I find it disrespectful on your behalf for him to say he’ll resent you for having his baby. If he’s scared of the financial responsibility a kid takes, then he should say he’s nervous about that. But to say he’ll resent you is an insult to you.
Again, whether you keep the child is ultimately up to you. It’s not up to me or your boyfriend. However, your decision should not be the determining factor for your relationship going forward. Think about this, if you were to abort your baby but your boyfriend still broke up with you, would you regret the decision not to carry the child? Would you regret giving up a boy or girl for a man you didn’t wind up staying with anyway?
Suggestions going forward.
- Have a sit-down conversation with your boyfriend and put your cards on the table. If you want to keep the baby and are sure of that, advocate for your position. If your boyfriend walks, mourn your relationship, but prepare for your new child.
- If your boyfriend is in fact nervous financially about the child, and expresses that, talk with him about solutions on how you two could earn some extra money.
As always nothing but love,