A friend of mine suggested I come here after you helped her out with her problem. I recently found out that my boyfriend has been having me out here looking stupid. Apparently when he’s had me hanging around his group of friends, he’s been having me hang around someone he used to smash. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months, and I just found out he and one of his friends used to smash. What’s even sadder is I found out a week ago at a kickback when another one their friends mentioned something while playing Never Have I Ever.
I kept a straight face at the kickback, but when my boyfriend and I got in the car I ripped into him. I just felt stupid. He said he didn’t think it was a big deal because it was a long time ago, and is not interested in his friend. But I feel a way. He’s since apologized, but I’m still pissed. I don’t want to bring up again, but I really want to bring it up again. What do you think?
-Man on Fire
Dear Man on Fire,
Thanks for writing to me. Your story serves as a prime example of why I believe people in relationships shouldn’t play “the messy games.” Never Have I Ever, Truth or Dare, and Who Would You Rather, are not games I recommend folks boo’d up play; especially, under the influence of alcohol. Even if couples know everything about their partner, it doesn’t prevent other folks playing from getting messy. But now that you’ve learned the hard way, let’s get to my advice.
I know you’re new to my page, but I strongly believe that what happened in your partner’s past is none of your business as long as your partner doesn’t have anything they can pass along to you, and hasn’t messed with anyone in YOUR inner circle. In this case, your boyfriend sleeping with a friend a long time ago doesn’t actually qualify as an exception. However, I understand your frustration.
If I were in your shoes, I too would feel a way. I wouldn’t necessarily be upset that my boyfriend had me hanging around someone he used to sleep with, but I would be upset that I felt blindsided by information that everyone in the room was privy to. Most people don’t like feeling like they are the “last to know.” That’s especially true when it comes to someone you consider your partner. However, I’d eventually have to swallow my pride and accept that I couldn’t be too upset because the sexual escapades were pre-me, and I wasn’t entitled to the information (although, I definitely would like to have been made aware).
Having said all of that, I’ll leave you with this. It sounds like your boyfriend has already apologized for leaving you in the dark about his friend, and you already accepted his apology. And if you accepted his apology, it’s your job to move on. After all, what do you actually hope to gain in bringing up this issue one more time?
Suggestions going forward.
- Pick your battles in your relationship. Decide what’s important and worth the disagreements. Remember, in love, it’s not necessarily about being right.
- Whenever you accept a genuine apology, don’t expect to keep hearing “I’m sorry.”
As always nothing but love,