I’m starting to feel stupid. I’ve been dealing with this guy for about 4 months now, but I’m just frustrated. We have good dates, good conversations, and good sex. He just won’t commit to me. He keeps saying he likes me, but doesn’t want to be in an official relationship. Despite being with me at least 3 days a week every week, he says being in an official relationship is not something he wants to do because relationships are complicated.
I hate being in this position. He’s free to do whatever he wants, and I’m left falling in love or whatever with a guy that’s not technically mine. I know I can just walk away, but I can’t find myself doing it. How would you get this guy to boo you up?
Dear Mr. Frustrated,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m all too aware of the frustration you’re currently experiencing. Once upon a time, I was dating a person that I thought wanted to be my boyfriend, only to be surprised by his unwillingness to commit. Although he told me he wanted to be in a relationship, there were glaring signs that showed he didn’t want to be booed up. Unfortunately, I didn’t walk away. I stayed in a situationship that was beneath what I wanted for months because I was hanging onto a possibility. A possibility that one day he would change his mind and I’d be there and ready. Plus, I had invested my time and energy, so I didn’t want to feel like I had wasted my time. But then, I had my “aha moment.”
My aha moment was not about how to manipulate that guy into actually committing. The revelation I came to was that I didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t know they wanted to be with me, and I don’t ever want to date someone exclusively on his terms. Allow my revelation to be one that inspires you to have your own.
Look, it’s never a good idea to try and manipulate a man into a commitment. If he doesn’t naturally have the desire to take you off the market, then he may not be the guy for you. Once you start trying to manipulate a man into being with you, you’re taking the organic nature out of your dynamic. And forcing love and a relationship rarely turn out positively.
Suggestions going forward.
- Have a conversation with this man again about what he wants out of your interactions together and what you want. If he tells you again he doesn’t want to commit and you want a commitment, ask yourself if your current situationship is enough.
- To be clear, I’m not necessarily telling you to leave this man alone. As I always say, I can’t tell a person when they’ve had enough. However, if you decide to stay with this person and he’s adamant about not committing to you, you can’t be mad at him for not pulling you into a relationship. He’s told you what he did and didn’t want.
- Remember, it’s never a good idea to try and manipulate a person into being with you.
As always nothing but love,