I’m having a major issue with my fiancé. We have been together for about a year and a half. We got engaged and bought a house together. At the beginning, when we started dating, I asked him if he had kids. To which he said yes 2 girls. After some months of dating, I got to meet them. They are wonderful girls and I love them like my own. Everything has been going great until yesterday.
As we sat to have dinner, he exposed his secret and lie all at once. He told me he had a son as well. He said he has no contact with him but he paid all of his child support till he turned 21 last year. Well I got so upset with him about this because I feel that he betrayed my trust by not telling me about him from day one when I asked him if he had kids. And he knew about him from the time his ex was pregnant with him, so it’s not like he just found out. This lie/secret is really taking a toll on me.
Now I’m wondering what else he is hiding. I don’t think I can ever trust him again. That was something he should have told me before we got engaged and moved in together. We have even been trying to conceive to have a little one of our own but now it’s like I don’t even know him. I, of course, flipped out on him for not telling me to the point we were down each other throats about it, especially when he found it funny that I was mad at him for this and he laughed in my face.
He doesn’t care how this has affected me. I don’t care that he has more kids. I wouldn’t care before either. It’s the fact that he lied about it and kept it a secret from me. Well our argument got so bad he broke up with me. I am lost for words and don’t know what do think. Why did he do that? Why tell me about the 2 daughters but not about his son? I just don’t get it. And then at the end break up with me because I got angry about it. Like seriously, he messed up and punished me for his mistake by breaking up with me.
While I certainly read your letter and have my advice, I’ve allowed a friend of mine, and wise man, Kolbey, to join me in giving advice on this one. You’ll find his words of wisdom are profound and should help you going forward. I’ll give you my two cents right after his. So without further ado, Kolbey.
I’ll start by saying that I hear your hurt and pain. This man that you trusted deceived you, and wouldn’t take accountability for his actions. Then he had the nerve to leave you. If that was me, I know that I would be infuriated. So you have every right to be pissed. However, let’s unpack how giving this man some grace and mercy could be the key to healing in this situation.
According to Brene Brown, “to build any healthy relationship, there must be trust that is the product of allowing yourself to be vulnerable that grows throughout the days, weeks, and months that require real commitment.”
For over two years, you started to build a family with this man. I’m sure that this process required you both to have countless moments where you spoke about every important aspect of your lives. I mean you both bought a house together, so I’m sure that there had to be numerous discussions about finances, and if he’s paying child support, that should have come up.
But if you feel you want to work things out with your fiancé, then you should try putting yourself in your fiance’s shoes. It sounds like there is some underlying drama and shame that prevented him from sharing this important detail with you. Some time and a conversation can help him unpack the whole story with you.
In spite of all the secrecy and confusion happening, a few things are clear. It seems like your fiance takes care of his responsibilities to his children. He chose not to shirk his duties as a father and supported all his children in one way or another. I believe that good therapy would help you both learn how to deep dive through both of your past experiences and talk to each other when you face conflict.
There is clearly more to the story, but he should have been faithful to his commitment to you and told you from the beginning. Loving a man enough to consider marrying him means that you care about him. I would encourage you before you call in quits to take some time to breathe and reflect if you feel like your engagement is worth saving. I believe if you work together with this man to rebuild those seeds of trust, you both could move on with your ”happily ever after.”
Now for me, Kolbey and I disagree a bit. See while I definitely agree with the fact you have a reason to be upset about your fiance keeping a third, and grown, child from you, I’m also disturbed by the fact your fiance doesn’t seem to have a relationship with the son. Yes, he paid child support which is great, but for him not to have a relationship with his son raises major red flags!
Perhaps because of my own fractured relationship with my father, I call into question any man that shirks off SOME of his responsibilities as a father, which it sounds like your fiance did. Now I don’t know the whys, so I’m trying not to judge. But, I’d encourage you to stop and think on that, and ask the tough questions.
Also, your bae walking out on the relationship because you’re upset seems to hint that he doesn’t think this is a big issue, or he’s not courageous enough to talk about the truth. It’s one thing to disagree, but your feelings are valid and deserve to be heard.
I’ll concede another point to Kolbey. If you want to work things out with your fiance, you should. Only you know when you’re ready to walk away, and people make mistakes (the mistake is not telling you the truth, not the child). I believe people are bigger than their mistakes. However, you should aim to get clarity and the full story before trying to reconcile.
Suggestions going forward.
- Not sure if you two are broken up or on a break, but call him up for a sit-down. Your goal should be clarification on the situation.
- Don’t allow your fiance or Kolbey and I pressure you into staying or leaving. This a decision that’s ultimately up to you.
As always nothing but love,