Hey buddy…I’ve read your stories for a while and never thought I’d need your advice but here I am…lol…so me and my dude have been dating for two years…we’ve been permanently living together for about a year and a half…he bought another house so we could live together…i pay the mortgage and the condo fees and he pays the utilities…we’ve been disagreeing because i want more stability if something happens to him… like my name on the deed of the house…but he’s adamant against that.
I took out an insurance policy on myself for him if i were to die…he was supposed to get one on himself for me but couldn’t because he already had one with that company and doesn’t want to do the medical portion of it…not sure why, but it is what it is…his solution is if something happens to him I get to live in the place until I decide to move…that’s not fair to me…i feel like i should still have just as much stability as he will if something happens to me…how can i explain myself more to him or am i being unreasonable…all of the people who I’ve spoke to about it, the people i confide in, have said that I’m not being unreasonable and that if he doesn’t see my point then maybe i should reconsider living with him and paying his mortgage…I’m torn…i love him but I’m also at an age where i can’t take those chances…i feel like if we’re going to be in a partnership then we need to be partners…not him in charge and me playing house…what do you think?
Thanks for writing to me. Your letter brings up one of the most complicated and debated concepts of life: money and romance. Many relationships have seen their share of troubles because of finances. This is why I tend to believe couples should always have separate bank accounts, with one communal account they put money in for the bills. I also believe in prenups to further help take finances out of a relationship, but that’s a topic for another day.
Bringing this back to your dilemma specifically, your letter reads as if your boyfriend decided to buy a house, and then proposed you and him move into it. If that’s the case, then this situation is different than you two agreeing to live together and actually purchasing a home TOGETHER. The two scenarios are different. While you both are in love and in a relationship, in the first scenario, you’re effectively a tenant. If you two would have bought a home together and decided to then move into it, then you would have been co-owners.
Let’s put it this way, say you bought a building as an investment property, and then decided to lease it to a chef to be a restaurant. The chef may be responsible for paying you rent, which you’d view as a return on your investment, but you more than likely would be reluctant to offer him part ownership of the actual building because it’s YOUR building. It was your idea to purchase the space, your investment opportunity, your financial future. You may not want to acquire a partner, because that brings on legal hiccups should things between you and the partner go south. And you have every reason to protect yourself from the “just in case.”
In your relationship, your boyfriend may be reluctant to put you on the deed, because he’s trying to protect his investment just in case you two were to break up. I know you feel you’re paying the mortgage and you’re in a relationship, so you feel entitled to have your name on the deed. But the fact of the matter is, you agreed to move into his investment. Taking this a step further, it may be possible that your boyfriend is concerned about the commitment track you two are currently on.
I’m curious to know if you two have ever talked about marriage in your near future, because deeds, estate planning, and policies are things people typically do entering into marriages or domestic legal partnerships. If you two aren’t on the same page in terms of your commitment now and it’s level of seriousness in the future, your boyfriend could be nervous and scared by the steps you want to take.
Suggestions going forward.
- Talk with your boyfriend and ask him if he’s committed to the progress of your relationship, or if he’s starting to get nervous it’s all moving too fast for him. If he says he’s fine with the pace of it, then your next question should be about his hesitation to legally commit with the deed and insurance policies.
- If your boyfriend is still unwilling to put you on the deed, consider what a compromise might look like. For example, perhaps a compromise would be for you two to actually invest in a home that you both pick out and invest in from the start. This is a compromise that will have a lot of moving pieces, but I think you get my point.
As always nothing but love,