Seeking advice and hoping you can help me out. A few days ago I found out my boyfriend of 4 months actually cheated on me when we first started dating. Hopefully long story short, I ran into a friend of a friend at a bar and we were talking. I told him about my boyfriend and how long we’ve been dating, and that’s when this friend of a friend hit me with the “oh that’s interesting” BS. I asked him what he meant by that, and that’s when he said he knew someone who had hooked up with my boyfriend which would have been about 5 months ago. The problem is, my boyfriend and I were dating 5 months ago.
I tried to save face in front of this guy, but when I left I was pissed. My boyfriend and I got in an argument, because I hate feeling blindsided, and I feel he cheated on me. I get we weren’t official until 4 months ago, but at 5 months, I thought we were just dating each other. While we haven’t’ broken up, things between my boyfriend and I are a little rocky. Just don’t know what to do in the situation. Could use the advice.
Dear Benny B,
Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend are going through a little bit of a rough patch. However, with that said, I’m under the belief that you’re having problems in your relationship because of you. Please don’t get offended, and give me a chance to explain.
As I’ve said before, you can’t expect exclusivity when you’re dating unless you and the person you’re seeing have the conversation. Everyone doesn’t date the same. For some people, they can date multiple people at one on their quest to a relationship. The individuals that fall in this category don’t find dating multiple folks distracting, but instead helpful in getting to know who they really want. In addition, individuals that fall in this category feel justified because dating is not a relationship, so they are well within their right to see as many people as they want.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is where I’ve hung my hat. People like me typically rather not date multiple people at once, because it’s distracting. Trying to get to know more than one person prevents me from really getting to click with anyone. (To be clear, flirting and dating are not necessarily synonymous). It sounds like you may fall into this category with me, and it also sounds like you expected exclusivity with your boyfriend when you initially started dating, but you both may not have been on the same page.
Now having said all of that, I don’t think you should be that upset with your boyfriend. Whatever happened prior to you two getting together officially happened before you two were together. If you both weren’t on the same page in terms of exclusivity, then he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. Furthermore, he’s with you. He didn’t lock down this other person.
And you made a big mistake allowing this “friend of a friend” approach you with this story. This person sounds messy for even telling you this alleged information. He’s not your friend, but an acquaintance at best (and not even that if you ask me). This guy shouldn’t have been delivering this news to you because he wasn’t going to emotionally support you during any fallout. It’s pretty clear to me he wasn’t going to do that if you haven’t even seen or heard from him in at least five months. Also, you got mad at your boyfriend initially over gossip. That wasn’t fair to your boyfriend. Even if this story is true, again, this happened before you two were officially together.
Suggestions going forward.
1. Always be leery of a person that has no investment in your emotional well-being, or you as a person, telling you something about your man. Whether the information that person has is valid or not, their intentions more than likely weren’t pure.
2. Don’t allow what may have happened pre-relationship destroy your actual relationship. Ask yourself if this is something risking your relationship over.
3. If you find yourself agreeing with my advice, then do something special for your bae. I’d say he deserves it.
As always nothing but love,