I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, we have a great relationship and 2 kids now. He’s an amazing guy and takes care of us his family but when it comes to our sex life, it’s just not what it used to be. He used to last long the first year of us being together, now only lasts about 2 seconds. I get so frustrated because we both know he used to be a hoe, now I know everyone has a past but he’s told me stories of 3somes and whatnot, and I can’t help but feel like he gave his best dick days away already and I’m getting hardly anything. I’ve always voiced my concerns, never keep anything in ,but nothing has changed. I’m at the point already where I’d rather use my vibrator to pleasure myself and recently have thought about finding someone else on the side. I know that’s so bad, I just don’t know what to do anymore.
-Not Getting What I Deserve
Dear Not Getting What I Deserve,
Thanks for writing to me. Allow me to start this off by apologizing for my delayed response. Between summer vacation and work, I’ve been a bit occupied. However, I’m here and ready to assist you and others. And I have to say, this is quite the letter.
For many people, good sex is a must in a relationship. In a bit of irony, for these individuals, good sex may not make a relationship, but bad sex can certainly break one. So you aren’t alone in wanting to be regularly satisfied in the sheets.
Now let’s recap. You’ve been in a relationship for four years and have had two kids. You and your boyfriend have a lot of history together. This history is a great thing because you two have managed to learn what each other like, learn each other’s habits, and learn to predict some of each other’s moves and reactions. On the other hand, because you both know what each other like, your habits, and can predict one another’s moves and reactions, your relationship may have gotten a bit stale. And that’s okay because it happens to many couples.
Think about it. Day in and day out, you two wake up, I assume go to work, come home, eat, take care of the kids, and if you have time to scratch your itch, have sex. That kind of routine doesn’t necessarily scream sexy, although it does scream responsible.
Sometimes couples’ need to switch things up to spice things up. They need to try having sex outside of the bedroom. They need to try different things to rev up foreplay. They need to change their look by throwing on wigs, growing beards, wearing something other than bonnets, buying new underwear, and maybe even toning up a bit.
Let’s frame my point this way. As part of my fitness kick, I eat a lot of chicken breasts. At the beginning of my diet plan, I really didn’t mind eating chicken breasts. As a matter of fact, I found them quite tasty. But after a while, I got so sick and tired of cooking and eating chicken. And before I scrapped chicken breasts from my diet because I was tired of eating the same sautéed cuts of meat, I decided to look up a few recipes to change it up. So now when I eat chicken breasts I don’t always eat them sautéed with the same seasonings. I’ll look at the recipes to prepare the chicken in new and exciting ways that bring me new moments of joy and satisfaction so I don’t stop eating chicken.
Suggestions going forward
- Have a conversation with your boyfriend in a calm and private manner about your lack of satisfaction. It’s okay to express to a mate when you’re not happy, as long as you keep things respectful, and don’t play the blame game (don’t tell him your sex life is dry because he’s been dry). Ask if there has been something that’s been bothering him, or if something is wrong? Ask him if there is something you could do to help put him in the mood?
- Plan a weekend getaway for just you and your boyfriend if you’re able to. A change of scenery with no kids can go a long way in helping with your sex life.
- And I didn’t mention it above but don’t weaponize your boyfriend’s past against him. Even if he would have slept with the whole city of Baltimore when he was younger, you knew all that before you two settled down with kids, and you chose him anyway.
As always nothing but love,