Dating

Would It Be Okay to Have Casual Sex with My Personal Trainer?

Hey Tavion,

Quick question.

When I was a Freshman in College I ended up casually dating one guy I met through my sister back when we were maybe in 6 or 7th grade. Any who we have some history. Flash forward a couple of years I ended up meeting up with him in 2012-13.

We talked some, took me to the movies before he had a car or anything. Then we ended up sleeping together, I didn’t know that I was his first (until years later did I find out) .Well he was going to go off into the Marines and start a career there. I had just began my BA. A serious relationship during that time, wasn’t great. The timing was off.

So years later he comes back a Vet and I a Masters Student furthering my Edu. We have always kept contact and now he is my Personal Trainer.  I have heard his stories of him sleeping with other women and I don’t mind a single man will be a single man, same as a woman (enjoy que no?!).

I feel that he is trying to seduce me. We text late at night and is always wants to know how I am doing. We even talked about sex between us and it usually never get serious other than just messaging another about the occasional “is we had sex how what are my rules and such”.  We both know we can’t have any serious relationship since we are both focused on our own path, would it be awkward if I have sex with him and keep him as my trainer?

I am stumped and can’t seem to decide what I am doing here. I tend to just go with the texts since its nice to get a break from working and things could be spicer in the sheets. But again, I haven’t slept with another man in 5 years so there’s that (came out of a long relationship 6 months ago ).

Just started training with him 2 months ago and I feel that sex is over the horizon!

To sleep with him or to not sleep with him and keep the PT relationship, that is the questions ?

Thanks for listening!

XOXO

Brielle

Dear Brielle,

Thanks for writing to me. There are a few things I’d like to touch on, so I’m just going to jump right on in, starting with this prospect of having casual sex. After reading your letter, it appears you’re essentially trying to justify having casual sex with your personal trainer, and not sure you’ll be able to do that, with good reason. For most people, trying to have casual sex with someone they know and interact with on a daily basis can be a bit problematic. And you’re no different.

First, there’s the fact you’ve known this guy for years. Most people like to participate in casual sex with people they don’t know that much about (outside of status and whether or not he/she has slept with a family member or friend). The more you know about a potential sexual partner, the more likely you are to develop a connection with the partner, which makes it harder to keep things just about the sex.

Second, this guy is not some man you met on Bumble or Tinder. He’s your personal trainer. This is a person that you’ll have to see on a regular basis in a professional capacity. And as the saying goes, “don’t sh*t where you eat.” This leads me to point three.

Before this man became your official personal trainer, you stated you two already had sex. Because you two have already had sex, you two aren’t operating under the same level of mystery because you both are already familiar with each other’s equipment. You’ve seen firsthand.  There may be a little mystery about who has improved since the last time you two were together, but if you hook up with him, you won’t be doing so to see if you have chemistry per se. However, you may be acting on some lingering sexual desire.

With all of that said, from the banter you described between you and your trainer, you two have already cracked open “Pandora’s Box.” The fact you two are texting late at night and discussing what would happen if you two actually had sex again, the line of professionalism has been crossed.  However, because you two haven’t closed the deal, you still have the opportunity to redirect this ship.

If it’s starting to sound like I’m advising you not to sleep with your trainer, it’s because I am. If you like the physical results you’re achieving with this guy as your trainer, and want to keep him as your trainer, don’t sleep with him.  Sex almost always complicates things. Besides, there are roughly 52 million single men in the United States. If you’re not interested in a relationship, but are just interested in “scratching an itch,” then try another option.

Suggestions going forward

  1. If at the end of the day you don’t care about whether this guy can remain your trainer if you two were to have sex, then, by all means, feel free to take it a step further if you feel it’s right. Just be safe about it.

 

  1. Again, you can get your professional relationship back on track if that’s what you really want. Just stop entertaining the late-night texts and conversations.

 

  1. I touched on the following point above, but didn’t really go deep into it. Is it possible that you actually like this guy and are interested in him beyond casual sex, but are just nervous to acknowledge that to him and yourself? And furthermore, while grad school takes a lot of time, could you be using your educational pursuit as a means to shield yourself from entertaining at the very least a situationship.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot)

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