I’ve been a big fan of you for a while now and can’t help but appreciate all that you’re doing.
I need your help!! I’ve been dating very active lately and I’ve been lucky to meet some pretty cool people. Some, I have gone on multiple dates and hang out with a couple of times.
Through this process, I met a guy who seems to be the one that I can finally commit to and build a relationship with. He is exactly what I’ve been looking for in a significant other. Getting to know each other within the last one month has been amazing.
I actually think I am kinda falling for him. But the gag is, he is moving back home.
He has been here on a student visa and now that he has graduated it’s been hard for him to find a job forcing him to move back home. We’ve literally been in a relationship but without the title. He is friends have become my friends and vice versa. He is older by 6 years and has experienced everything you can imagine in his past relationships (The good, bad and the ugly, long distance, toxic and abusive…. etc). His last relationship ended in January and since then, he has been on a journey of self-care finding himself and falling back in love with himself. I guess my question is how do I go about having the conversation about this? I definitely want something more (EXCLUSIVITY and all) but I don’t want to be the rebound guy as well or rush him into something he might not be ready for.
Should I just let the chips fall where they may? Should I be completely up-front about my feelings?
Thanks for writing to me, and thanks so much for your kind words. Like I always say, hearing such compliments fuel me to keep Acccording to T going. So again, I appreciate you for showing my site so much love.
As far as your dilemma goes, I’ll reiterate the great words of rapper Ace Hood. “Closed mouths don’t get fed on this boulevard.” While some things are better left unsaid, I don’t necessarily find the “relationship” conversation to be one of those things. I’m sure you know I don’t believe two people should expect exclusivity until they’ve had the talk.
Now with that said, you two have only been talking for a month. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to downplay what you two share. But I do want to point out that many men aren’t ready to commit after a month (not all men, but many men). However, if the connection between you two is strong, and only you both know that, then you two may be ready to have the conversation.
As far as you being a rebound, while it’s possible, I don’t think it’s likely. It’s been a year and a half, and chances are he’s had a rebound phase in some capacity already (that could have come in the form of a buddy with benefits). It would be more likely that he’s shy about getting into a relationship because he was possibly hurt by his last one. Some people don’t want to open themselves up to be hurt again after a bad breakup.
Lastly, you should stop and think for a moment. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to rush into a relationship to establish something with this guy before he’s forced to leave?” And go even further and ask, “What would a long distance relationship look like when we live in two different countries?” Should you two enter a relationship with each of you in separate countries, that would require a lot of patience and trust on your part. Not to mention the finances to travel back and forth.
Suggestions going forward
- Check yourself and make sure you’re not trying to rush a relationship BEFORE you do anything. You don’t want to rush into something you both aren’t ready for.
- If you decide you’re ready to be this guy’s bae, try casually throwing the topic of relationships into a conversation without telling him you want to be in a relationship. You could talk about some romantic comedy, and comment on the movie’s main couple. Then explain how you’d want a relationship just like the movie-couple, but you’re starting to wonder if it will happen for you anytime soon. This topic should lead you to a relationship conversation about you and him if you two are mentally on the same page. (By the way, you could always take the blunt approach and just express your feelings to him.)
- Remember, there’s nothing wrong with waiting a bit before you two become baes.
As always nothing but love,