In Love with a Roommate Who Wants Someone Else

Hi T,

Here’s the situation. I was dealing with a guy that I had strong feelings for. He didn’t have as deep of a connection for me as I did him. We talked and we became friends, very good platonic friends. A few months later we become roommates. I moved into his home renting a room. Things are great, I’ve had my overnight company, a friend visiting from out of town.

Recently, he’s started having a local consistent friend stay overnight. For whatever reason, I’ve become bothered by this. I don’t know why. We were never together. In hindsight, I can acknowledge that. I openly accept that he and I aren’t supposed to be together. He has had people come over, they did whatever they did, and they’d leave. I don’t know why I’m feeling bothered by my friend finding someone he can spend time with consistently. Can you help me process this?

Confused AF

Dear Confused AF,

First off, allow me to apologize for my delayed response and thank you for your patience. Work has been keeping me quite busy as of late, so my brain decided to go into chill mode. Now that it’s wide awake, I’m ready to assist you with your dilemma.

It’s pretty clear to me from what you’ve written that you still have romantic feelings for your roommate. You weren’t bothered by the other guys your roommate was having fun with for one pretty simple reason. You knew the other guys weren’t going to be in the picture. These men came over, fooled around with your roommate, and left. He didn’t want a relationship with any of them, and because you knew that, there was no need for you to be jealous. You don’t just want to be a person he gets a nut with, but you want to be his man. Herein lies the problem.

Your jealousy is surfacing now because your roommate is in what sounds to be at the very least, a situationship heading toward a relationship. Unfortunately, he’s heading in that direction without you.  Despite the feelings you obviously have for him, it doesn’t sound like he reciprocates them. Against your better judgment (I’m sure), you’ve consciously or subconsciously been waiting for him to greenlight a relationship with you. This hope you’ve held onto may be in vain. And to be clear, I’m not trying to dump on you or your emotions. I’m just trying to call a spade a spade in this scenario.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. You’re going to have to find a way to check your romantic feelings and hopes when it comes to your roommate. He has already expressed he just doesn’t share your feelings, and is now in a space where he’s ready to date just one person. Continuing to hold out hope that you two will be together one day, is going to do nothing but hurt you in the long run.


  1. I’m not sure when your lease agreement is up with your roommate, but you may want to move out to get a better grip on your emotions. However, if you’re locked into the agreement, you may want to try doing a little more outside of the house to limit your interaction with your roommate for a while.


  1. While I’m not saying you and your roommate will never be together, I am saying don’t hold out for that wish to come true. You’ve got a life to live, and perhaps your real Prince Charming is out there waiting for you get over your romantic feelings for your good platonic friend.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

(IG: accordingtot)

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