I need some advice about a weird and frustrating problem I’m dealing with. Basically me and my boyfriend are in an open relationship while my job has me on the other side of the country for nine months. My boyfriend is legit bisexual, and I know sometimes he may crave something I don’t have. So while we’re in the open relationship, I told him it was okay if he hooked up with women. Also, even though we agreed I could top men only, I haven’t done it. I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with anyone. Well now this whole open relationship idea, which was kind of my suggestion, bit me in the ass.
Last week I found out from my boyfriend that a woman he slept with is pregnant. I’m still shook by the news. I’m mad he knocked a woman and I’m mad he was out here not being careful. My boyfriend apologized and told me he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me. He pretty much begged me not leave him. I’m just not sure I can do this situation. I love him and thought about us having kids one day, but not like this.
What would you do if you were me?
-Is This Endgame
Dear Is This Endgame,
Thanks for writing to me. Before I jump right into my advice, I can’t help but to call attention to your alias. Not sure if you were trying to go for an Avengers pun here or not; but if you were, I certainly spotted it. I loved the movie by the way. However, you didn’t write me for a movie critique, so onto my advice.
First off, deciding to open up a relationship is risky business for any couple, because it requires the most delicate of balancing acts. And that’s not something a lot of people can pull off. Most open relationships run into problems because one or both people in the relationship catch feelings for their other sexual partner, or get jealous, or find themselves violating some unspoken but should be known “rules” to the open relationship agreement. Again, it may work fine in theory, but for most individuals the theory will remain just that, because in practice emotions and human error factor in.
Case and point, your situation. While I can agree that your boyfriend should have taken safety precautions to prevent pregnancy and possibly contracting something, you must agree that you may not have factored in your emotions fully. I noticed you said you didn’t sleep with anyone, and I doubt that was because you had a lack of sexual urges.
I’m betting you haven’t messed with anyone else because deep down you felt doing so was a violation of your commitment to your boyfriend. Additionally, you were hoping that your boyfriend would have felt the same way, and you didn’t account for how you’d feel if your boyfriend actually fooled around with women. Look, I have no doubt you’re pissed he got someone pregnant, but I think you’re also hurt he actually had sex with other people.
In terms of what to do next, that’s completely up to you. Like I always say, only you can tell you when you’ve had enough. If him having a baby with someone else is too much for you to handle, then it’s okay if you need to walk away from the relationship. However, if you decide to stay with him, then you’re going to have to really work hard at successfully moving forward, and not necessarily moving past this situation. You can’t move past a baby, so he or she will always be a part of your new normal.
Suggestions going forward.
- It’s perfectly fine if you need space and time to think. Simply explain to your boyfriend that you need a little room away from him as you figure out what you want to do.
- If you decide to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend, then you’re going to have to figure out how to view this baby as a baby and not as a reminder of what your boyfriend did. Children deserve love not resentment.
- Make sure you spearhead the ordering of some tests here. A pregnancy test, a DNA test, and some STI tests would be good to start with.
- And if you and your boyfriend stay together, close that relationship on up. No more open relationship.
- Also, I’m not sure if you need to hear this but it’s worth saying. Revenge sex will not help you feel better in the long run.
As always nothing but love,