I’m having a problem I need your help with. Long story short, one of my best friends is a straight guy, and we’ve known each other since middle school. About four months ago he started dating this girl who I can’t stand. When I first met her I could tell something was off about her, but I kept my feelings to myself. I really wish I hadn’t.
Since she’s been around I don’t see my friend as much, and any time I do see him she’s right there behind him like a shadow. Not only is she there, but she looks at me with this stank face like I pissed in her grits or something. I’ve come to the conclusion that she is jealous or something like I want to screw my best friend.
Keep in mind I’ve never slept with my best friend, nor have I ever wanted to sleep with him. He’s cute and is about his business, but I’ve never wanted to cross that line with him. He’s like my blood brother. He wouldn’t cross that line with me either because he is very much into women.
What do I do in this situation? The longer this woman is around, the more attached she and my friend become. I’m nervous about our friendship. I tried asking why his girl doesn’t seem to like me, but he said she doesn’t have a problem and she’s cool. I know that’s a lie.
Life is Like a Box of Chocolate.
Dear Life is Like a Box of Chocolate,
Thanks for writing to me. I have to say, I’m inclined to like you just because you used a Forrest Gump reference. When I was younger, I could watch that movie over and over, and never grow bored or tired. It’s probably my favorite Tom Hanks movie. But this is not why you wrote to me, so getting to your issue.
Sorry to hear about the problems you’re having with your bestie and his bae. No one wants to feel he’s losing his best friend to his best friend’s partner of the moment. Most humans build friendships with other people with the presumption that nothing will be able to break their strong platonic bond. Unfortunately, sometimes that strong platonic bond can’t withstand the hormones, lust, and pleasure of romance. Trust me, you aren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last person to complain about losing a friend to a romantic situation.
Now I know you think the girlfriend doesn’t like you because she’s jealous, and may believe you want your bff in a romantic way. It’s truly sad if this woman is insecure about her straight boyfriend having a gay best friend. For starters, it irks me when heterosexual people assume gay men want every man. Although you basically said your friend is a catch, you don’t want him.
It also bothers me to think that so many folks refuse to believe that heterosexual men and homosexual men are incapable of platonic friendship. It’s an extremely immature way to view the world, and that line of thinking contributes to cultural rejection of the LGBT spectrum. Straight men afraid to befriend gay men because the former don’t want to be identified as the latter still happens in 2019, and it’s pathetic. But this is a rant for another day.
Now let me also state that there is a small possibility that the girlfriend’s feelings toward you have nothing to do with your sexuality. Some folks are possessive daters and think all of their free time should be spent hugged up under their partner. And any person or anything that comes in the way of that is a threat and automatically the enemy. You won’t know if she dislikes you because she’s very insecure or crazy possessive until you find out how she is with his heterosexual friends.
Suggestions going forward
- Try to see how the girlfriend acts with your bestie’s other heterosexual friends. If you notice a different in how she treats you and them, you’ll get a sense on whether or not your sexuality somehow threatens her.
- Call your long-time friend and ask him to meet up with you alone. Invite him to happy hour or something, and say you really prefer if he left his boo at home. When you two link up, subtly ask him about why he’s been MIA and describe you feel some type of way about his absence. Also, ask him again if his girlfriend has a problem with you. Explain that you can tell she dislikes you. A long-time bestie should hear your concerns and complaints, and attempt to do what he can to rectify the situation. Just remember to watch your tone.
- Also, keep in mind that your bestie is just one person with the same 24 hours in a day as you. Because he is in a relationship or situationship, some of the free time he spent with you has to be shared with his partner. When you get a mate, that doesn’t mean you get more time added to your day.
As always nothing but love,