While surfing through IG posts and Twitter feeds, I often see people complaining about the current dating landscape. Most of these individuals appear to be great guys and girls who are looking for love, only to be constantly let down by relationship prospects. After doing some thinking and digging, I decided to create a list of six concepts I believe are getting in the way of individuals landing bae.
One IG user I follow asserted that egos were why relationships were nearly impossible in this day and age. I find myself actually agreeing with him to an extent. A lot of people today rather be right than in love. They argue with their partner or bae of the moment as if they’re in a courtroom trying to win a settlement prize. The problem with that, is that the relationship is the prize; and with every unnecessary fight, the relationship or situationship is what suffers.
- Not Really Wanting to Be in a Relationship
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there are many guys and gals professing to want a relationship. However, in actuality they probably just want companionship. Relationships and companionships are not the same thing. The former requires work, compromise, and real commitment. Meanwhile, the latter just requires a little free time and a warm body. I’m trying to be brief here, so you can check out my whole post dedicated to the difference between wanting a relationship and companionship.
- Assumptions You’re Dating Yourself
One of the key things individuals forget when dating in hopes of landing bae, is that the people they date aren’t them. While this notion seems simplistic enough, it’s ironically quite complex and hard for some to understand. Just follow me for a second.
Every person has grown up with their own set of life experiences and habits that have shaped them into the adults they are today. Things have happened in individuals’ lives that affect the way they communicate, the way they process trauma, and the way they show and receive love. Since that’s the case, it’s natural for two people trying to know one another not to be on the same page when it comes to communication styles. Two people probably won’t share the same love language initially.
Getting to the point, it’s hard for folks to get into relationships, because they leave no room for a learning curve. They don’t allow people the chance to learn their triggers, or their communication preferences, or how they prefer to receive love. And instead of taking a moment to explain their likes and dislikes to a person, these individuals rather blow up at each could-be bae for not instantly knowing.
Summing this on up, common sense for you may not be common for everyone else. Or as Voltaire puts it:
Common sense is not so common.
- Immaturity and Games
Millennials are smart, innovative, and very politically woke. But let’s keep it real, millennials can also be extremely immature when it comes to social interaction. This segment of the population thrives to be the pettiest, to throw the most shade, and to outdo any person to save face. As a millennial myself, I can speak on it. My generation goes into dating situations a bit hostile, because individuals rather do the playing than get played. I can understand that. However, the problem with that is you can’t build a successful relationship if you go into the situation with this mentality on the forefront of your mind. It’s hard to get to know someone when you’re constantly worried about keeping your armor up and plotting against them.
And I’m fully aware that in dating, there is somewhat of a “game” to be played. But no one has time to play Hide-and-Seek. Translation: No one wants to keep chasing you, just like you don’t want to keep chasing people. Once two people express their interest in one another, that’s not the time to dodge one another and go ghost for a day or three. That’s not hot, and doesn’t convey “let’s be boo’d up.”
- Lack of Transparency
I once read a quote that stated the following:
Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.
Unfortunately, a lot of people want a relationship but aren’t willing to remove their mask or deal with folks that won’t remove their own. It’s difficult to build a real relationship between two individuals when at least one of the individuals won’t keep it real. Hey I get it, to be real and transparent requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires a lot of strength, because no one wants to be judged for who they really are. On the other hand, it’s an equally scary concept to be loved for what you’re not or to love a shell of a person.
So folks, let guys and girls get to know you beyond the IG profiles, labels, and cars.
- Haunted by the Past
Well this one should be fairly explanatory. Individuals have been letting their past get in the way of their future for centuries. It’s quite common for people to want to find a bae while carrying the baggage of past relationships and failed romances. Now I’m all for people taking the experiences of their past to become wiser in love and life. But there are folks out here that are making every could-be bae pay for the mistakes of former lovers, and making these false assumptions that all men are bad guys because of the jerks they’ve previously encountered.
I’m not Iyanla Vanzant, but guys and gals, you’ve got to heal from your hurts and forgive your past before you put yourself back out here as single and ready to settle down.