friendship, relationships

Violating Friend Code: I Think My Friend is Trying to Take My Ex


First and foremost, I love what you’re doing here. Like that you created something for us by us. It’s like you’re the FUBU of advice or something. That’s definitely a throwback and not the point. The point and the question I have is about my friend and ex.

Here’s the thing, my ex and I broke up about three months ago after a two year relationship. We are still cool. About a month ago a friend of mind reached out to me and wanted to know if he could hit up my ex to help him start his business. My friend is trying to flip houses, and my ex is a realtor assessor, so it makes sense for my friend to want my ex’s advice. Of course I was cool with them talking because I support friends chasing bags. However, my friend contacted him a month ago, and now it seems like him and my ex are cool. As a matter of fact, they are too damn cool.

I feel like my friend is breaking friend code by building a friendship with someone I used to date. Especially, because I’m starting to think my friend may be catching feelings for my ex. My friend has been sneaky in the past with another friend’s ex, and I don’t want him pulling that with me. If you were me, what would you do?


Believer in the Code

Dear Believer in the Code,

First off, thanks for writing to me and sharing such kind words about my platform here. When I created this space a few years ago, I did so knowing there weren’t a ton of voices like mine to help people like me. So, I’m thrilled that you and others find value in According to T.  Again, thank you for your affirmation which in turns serves as motivation to keep this site going. Anyway, let’s move onto giving you some advice on your dilemma.

In your letter, you mentioned the widely respected and accepted Friend Code. While you won’t find the Friend Code written down and preserved next to The Declaration of Independence or The United States Constitution, that doesn’t negate the fact that many use this code as a rulebook for friendships. The Friend Code teaches us things like buddies don’t spill each other secrets, don’t trash each other behind one another’s back, and if a fight pops off with one friend the other friend is obligated to help (whether that means jumping in or pulling your friend out of the chaos). Now while there are rules about friend’s interacting with another’s exes, the language around it is a bit vague in spots and allows for discretion.

Personally speaking, I don’t necessarily forbid my friends from speaking with my exes, because I don’t really like telling grown people what they can and cannot do. However, my friends are MY FRIENDS, so they wouldn’t necessarily be talking to my exes too much anyway. My circle and past baes were friendly because of me, and once I’m no longer the linchpin between the two camps, communication pretty much stops naturally. In essence, out of loyalty to me and not having a real relationship with exes, I don’t really enforce the rule that buddies can’t talk to former boo thangs.

Now having said that, I am strict about friends NOT dating my exes. That’s one rule of the Friend Code I do not joke around with. There are too many single men in the world for friends to have romantic overlap. So I can understand if you’re a bit peeved at your friend if there are signs more is developing between him and your ex. I’m assuming there are signs, and you’re not overreaching. And if there are signs, you should address the issue with your friend sooner rather than later.

Oh and one more thing. I’m getting the impression you’re still in love with your ex and want him back. I don’t know the circumstances around why you two split, but I get the vibe that if he said he wanted you back today, you’d be boo’d up again.  Your feelings with your ex may be worth exploring if you two have changed and grown in a way that a second go around with him will be different and more successful.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Have a conversation with your friend and ask him straight up about his feelings toward your ex. If he says nothing is going on and you don’t believe him, subtly ask your ex about his relationship with your pal. After speaking with both of them, you should get a truer vibe about what’s going on. If the two just click professionally and develop a bond that’s not romantic, don’t necessarily be mad with that. Think about it, as long as the two aren’t discussing you and your business, what reason do you really have to be upset?


  1. If you want your ex back, you definitely better say something soon. To be honest, even if your friend is not actually chasing him, some other guy could be. Don’t wait until it’s too late.


  1. Remember, the Friend Code is built on trust. If you can’t trust this person you call your friend, you may want to evaluate whether he’s your friend or an acquaintance.


  1. Lastly, be careful when you develop friendships and always pay attention to how a person treats other friends. For example, if you have a buddy that’s always gossiping to you about his other buddy’s business, know that you aren’t necessarily exempt from this “friend” spreading your business.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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