I can’t deal with my new boyfriend’s insecurities. We officially got into a relationship about a month ago, and ever since then something flipped with him. At first it started with him jokingly talking about guys commenting on my posts or tweets, and me liking the comments. He would hit me with one of those “oh you getting all the hoes still” and laugh, so I would shrug my shoulders and laugh it off. Then he progressively would mention the commenting without laughing, and legit arguments would pop off. To help ease the tension I became a little more careful about the kind of things I would post or tweet, but still tried to be me.
It’s not just that social media thing anymore though. He gets jealous if we’re out and I stop to talk to any guy. Whether they are a friend, work colleague, or whatever, he wants to get all up under me all of a sudden and practically demands an introduction. Then there’s the fact that he hates when I go out with my friends without him. The part that really has me ready to throw the whole relationship away is we got into an argument a few days ago about why I won’t give him passwords to my IG and twitter accounts, and to unlock my phone. I stood my ground and told him no, and he kind of dropped it, but the whole convo just left me feeling salty.
To be clear, outside of the insecurity issues, I love my boyfriend. He really is a great guy, and I know he’s acting like this because his two boyfriends before me cheated on him apparently. But I can’t do much more of this. What should I do?
Dear BF Problems,
Thanks for writing to me. Insecurities about cheating have played their role in many relationships tanking. Either the person who is insecure can’t put up with the fear of being cheated on, or the other party can’t put up with trying to convince the insecure person the fear is irrational. Either way, insecurities surrounding cheating are problematic.
I was recently listening to a sermon from Transformation Church’s Pastor Mike Todd (he gives great sermons btw), and he touched on the point that some people enter into news seasons with old mindsets. The example he gave was of a poor man who becomes wealthy, yet he still thinks poor. This newly wealthy man still navigates life as if he has next to nothing. If that analogy is lost on you, let me try this one. A sick man becomes healed, yet still lives his life as if he were unwell. Even though he’s healthy, he refuses to exert his body to do things he couldn’t do sick, or go places he couldn’t go while infirmed.
The point I’m trying to make, is that your boyfriend has been cheated on twice in his past relationships, and he’s unfortunately moved on into his relationship with you still feeling victimized by infidelity. Instead of healing from his past hurt in a healthy way, he operates as if he currently has an unfaithful partner. He knows like you do that you are not his former lovers, but he hasn’t been able to shake off that feeling of “I’m a victim of cheating.”
Now I don’t know the circumstances of your boyfriend’s past brushes with cheating, but it sounds like he’s looking at any move you make that resembles his exes as a trigger for his insecurity. Once his trigger is set off, he’s ready to fuss and fight with you about Instagram, the friendly man you meet at Starbucks, not having access to your passwords, or anything. I’m sorry, because I know this isn’t fair.
Look, giving into every demand your boo has because he’s insecure is not the answer here. Unless he’s bankrolling your lifestyle and is incredible in bed, that routine will get old quick. Heck, even if those are the case, the routine will drive you crazy. If you don’t want to end things for good, you’re going to have to convince your boyfriend you deserve to be trusted, and for the sake of your sanity and his, he should seek counseling. A professional here can help guide him to deal with his past demons.
Suggestions going forward.
- In your effort to persuade your bae to get help, present the idea in a gentle way. No need to present the idea as an ultimatum unless he takes it there.
- Should resources not allow for a therapist, all is not lost. If he belongs to a particular house of worship, convince him to see a pastor, rabbi, monk, priest, or whoever aligns with his faith.
- Also, check your actions and think whether you actually have done anything that could be considered a little questionable. Not saying you have been unfaithful, but it wouldn’t hurt to check yourself.
As always not but love,