Dating

I Want Love But I’m Tired of Chasing Men

Tavion,

I really appreciate your site and the advice you give. The community needs your advice, and I need your advice right now. My issue has to deal with chasing. I’m single and honestly I’m tired of chasing guys. It’s the same thing too. I meet a guy on a dating app or social media, show him some interest, he appears to return the interest, and then I spend like a month chasing him for me not to end up in a relationship. The shit is getting old.

Do you know how frustrating it is to think you’re talking to a guy trying to build something only for nothing to happen? I mean some of the guys I chase, I don’t even get to the point where we go on a dates. And while being single has its advantages, I’m trying to get boo’d the hell up. I know you have to pursue what you want in life, but I want to be pursued. I want people to call me, or hit me with a good morning and good night text. What advice do you have for me so I can date different in 2019?

From,

Tryna Glow Up

Dear Tryna Glow Up,

Thanks for writing to me and for your kind words. I appreciate when folks like you take the time to let me know you find value in my site. The compliments serve as fuel for me to continue According to T, so again thank you. Now let’s get down to the nitty gritty of your question.

Unfortunately, the problem you’re writing about is one I know quite a few people are dealing with in this day and age. I’ve heard from friends and acquaintances, and seen posts scrolling across my timelines, complaining about this “chasing epidemic.” Like you, there are countless folks tired of pursuing men who they feel aren’t putting in even half the effort to pursue them in return. These people are fed up with always initiating the conversation, only to be left on “read.” And, they are sick of the excuses as to why the “potential bae” can’t ever talk on the phone. I get the frustration.

The beginning stages of dating should feel more like Tag and less like Hide-and-Seek. When two people are interested in one another and they both know a mutual attraction exists, as soon as one of them shoots his shot with the other, there should be a give-and-take dynamic forming. Sometimes one individual initiates conversation, then other times the other individual begins the daily text thread or initiates the phone calls. Each person should feel he is being chased, and while playing coy to a degree, should place himself in a position to be caught.

Since you feel as if you are doing all the chasing, it’s time for you to ask yourself some tough questions. For example, are the men you are chasing actually wanting you to chase them because they’re attracted to you, or just feeding off of the attention?  There is a difference. If the men are feeding off of the attention, the likelihood of you catching them isn’t very high. Going along with this question, you have to take it a step further and ask if you are misreading the signs of mutual attraction?  Sometimes we as humans can create a scenario in our head that may not actually exist.

And let me end on this final note. If you don’t feel like chasing anyone in 2019, then don’t. Once you clearly state your attraction and make your intentions known, you’ve basically done your part to begin the “talking” phase of dating. It’s up to him to talk back and do his part, or move the heck on. Give your legs a break this year.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I didn’t address this above, but you should also be careful in how you pursue a guy. After a few days of chatting, you shouldn’t be dropping phrases like “baby”, “bae”, and “your my man”. And don’t openly assume you’re in a relationship only after a few days. No need to rush things. Keep things organic and let them naturally evolve.

 

  1. Also, make sure you’re understanding with people’s schedules. Some people aren’t able to be on or near their phone all the time, so they may not be able to hit you with a fast reply all of the time. With that said, in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, you are also having to learn his way of communication. So as you learn how a particular man communicates, and he learns how you communicate, ideally you two start to compromise in how and when you text, facetime, and/or speak on the phone.

 

  1. Again, if you are tired of chasing men that take you to a dead end, then by all means, stop chasing. You clearly are interested in playing Tag and not Hide-and-Seek.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

 

 

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