Dating, relationships

We Had Sex on the First Date, But Now He’s Claiming “Celibacy”?

T,

First off, Happy New Year to you. Man I hope it’s a good one. The question I have for you is about this guy I’ve been talking to that I met on Twitter. About two days before Christmas we finally went on our first date. The date was great and ended us having great sex, or at least I thought. We went out again recently, and he tells me that he doesn’t want to have sex anymore until we get to know each other better. I was thrown so when I asked him if there was a problem, he said he just didn’t want us to start something that was just about sex. I get that, but we’ve already had sex. I don’t see the problem. It’s not like I don’t want to build something with him too. I just feel some type of way I guess. It’s not like I’m going to beg him for sex, but I do want to have it and have no idea when he’ll be ready again. I’ve never had complaints about my performance, EVER, but now I’m thinking he didn’t like it or something. Feel a little paranoid about that. What are your thoughts?

-RJ094

Dear RJ094,

Thanks for writing to me and Happy New Year to you as well. I hope 2019 for you and others is one full of exciting new opportunities and unexpected blessings. With my sincerest well wishes out of the way, let’s get to the issue at hand.

I’ve often stated in previous posts that people should wait to have sex if they are hoping to build a relationship with someone. I generally believe when two people remove sex from the “Getting to Know You Phase” of dating, they are forced to see if they have an attraction that extends beyond the physical, and if a connection can be built outside the bedroom. So I understand where the guy you’re talking to is coming from in terms of his desire to withhold physical intimacy.

However, you and this man have actually already had sex and you’re left baffled. Given this guy still wants to date you, and I assume he hasn’t pulled back any (with the exception of his goodies), I think your performance in the bedroom was probably fine for him. In most cases, once a person samples something and doesn’t enjoy it, he doesn’t make a habit of sticking around for more. In other words, don’t be paranoid that you’re inadequate in the sheets.

Although it may seem weird to you that the guy would have sex with you once and then suddenly declare celibacy, that sort of thing does happen. It may boil down to exactly what this guy said. He may have a dating method, and violated that method when he met you. So now, he’s just trying to get back on track. Take it as a compliment that he found you so attractive that he couldn’t help himself.

Now is it impossible there are other reasons for him reneging on sex? Yes. But I’m hesitant to actually go there and say my other theories. I’d hate to plant a host of other scenarios in your head that may not be fact. What I will add, is you should keep an eye out and see if his communication with you decreases. If he starts becoming distance and doesn’t provide you with a legitimate reason as to why (i.e. crazy at work or death in the family), then you can raise an eyebrow. Also, if you weren’t safe during your encounter with this man, be safe now and just go get checked out, as you should anyway.

 

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Don’t overthink things with this guy yet. If he’s still texting you “good morning” and facetiming you, believe him about wanting to get to know you better.

 

  1. If you feel weary about him making you wait for sex, ask him more about his process so you get a better understanding of what to expect in terms of waiting. That’s fair for you to ask.

 

 

  1. And to be clear, I’m not saying it’s impossible to build a relationship if two people have sex right away. I’m just saying for most people in most situations, withholding sex until two people have gotten to know each other and their intentions are made clear, better helps individuals in building a real relationship.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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