I Want Him in My Future, But I Can’t Stop Dating His Past


Just going to put this out there first, I love your site. I think it’s real dope that you dedicate your time to help the gay community, good looking out. Okay so with the nice stuff out the way, here’s the problem. I started talking to this guy that I thought could be boyfriend material. It’s only been about two weeks, but I could tell we had a vibe going on. Then I made two mistakes. I told my friend about him and I followed him on Instagram.

When I told my friend about the guy and showed him the dude’s picture, the first thing my friend said was literally “oh him.” When I asked what that meant, my friend said he knew the guy had talked to two people he knew. That news by itself didn’t make my warning lights go off. However, when I followed him on Instagram and looked through his comments, he always has guys flirting with him in his comments. I just don’t like dating popular folks. I don’t want to be one guy in a sea of others guys chasing one man. That’s not me. My friend told me to chill and date the man if I like him, but now I’m insecure about the whole thing. Do you think I’m trippin?

-Freefall 93

Dear Freefall 93,

Thanks for writing to me. Let me start this off by saying thank you for the compliments. This site is my baby and I love that the community I created it for embraces it. Honestly, your kind words, and the kind words of others, motivate me to continue doing what I’m doing. So again, thank you.

Now as far as your dilemma, I think I’m going to have to agree with your friend here. You’ve got to chill and realize that everyone has a past. Most individuals you attempt to date will have a past full of folks that they’ve talked to, flirted with, and taken to bed. And the older you get in the dating game, the more peppered people’s past will be. Sorry to have to tell you. I suggest you don’t get so hung up on folks’ dating history, because it will make the small dating pool for you almost nonexistent.

Okay, so I did read where your friend told you this guy had talked to two people your friend knew. I get the assumption you don’t actually know the individuals your friend was referencing, so that shouldn’t be a factor in determining whether you and this man continue to vibe. Unless the acquaintances of your friend have had some traumatic experience with the guy (i.e. he stole, physically abused them, or was Breaking Bad like Walter White), WHO CARES! Their experience with the man is their experience, and he’s talking to you at the moment. He may not have been right for them, but may be just right for you.

Oh and as far as this person being IG popular and folks flirting with him in his comments, don’t allow his “fans” to stop you from seeing where your journey together may lead. Just because folks are flirting with him, doesn’t mean he’s taken an interest in them. Now if he has, that isn’t a reason to stop talking to him automatically. Like I tell people, dating doesn’t require exclusivity until a conversation is had. Once more, if you think the man is worth the journey, take it with him.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Just one suggestion here. Don’t let your insecurities prevent you from pursuing a potentially good thing. And I say this as someone who had to once learn this lesson.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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