I have a question for you. It may seem stupid compared to some of the questions you answer, but I’d appreciate your honesty. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months now, and everything is cool except this one thing. When I spend the night at his place or he spends the night at mine, I can’t ever get any sleep. EVER! He always tries cuddling up with me and sleeping right on top of me. I just can’t sleep with a person on me all night. For the past few weeks, I’ve been coming up with excuses as to why he shouldn’t sleep over or why I can’t sleep at his spot. I know I probably should say something to him about the discomfort, but when I’ve mentioned the issue in the past with my ex, my ex and I got into a dumb argument. I don’t want that to happen. So yeah, your thoughts.
-No More Sleepless Nights
Dear No More Sleepless Nights,
Thanks for writing to me. Let me start this off by saying there is no such thing as a stupid question. I may sound like a teacher right now, but it’s true. Now while I admittedly have side-eyed my share of questions, I try my best not to judge one as stupid. (By the way, I didn’t side-eye you for this particular question if you were wondering.) So let’s get to your dilemma.
Television shows and movies will have people thinking that being in love is so cute twenty-four seven. That couples in love should want to sleep arm in arm at night. But the truth of the matter is, love isn’t always cute. People snore, develop morning breath, drool, kick, sleepwalk, and do a multitude of other things at night that may make it hard for a couple to sleep right up on each other.
I for one need my space in bed. Unfortunately, I get really hot at night, and the last thing I want is to feel body heat pressed right up on me. Plus, I can’t sleep with someone’s head in my chest nor can I sleep with my arms wrapped around another body. I just can’t operate that way. And that’s something a real partner has to understand without taking offense.
What’s more concerning about your letter is the fact you don’t feel you can address the sleeping arrangements with your boyfriend without an argument popping off. On the grand scale of things, telling your boyfriend that you can’t cuddle all night isn’t that big of an issue. It’s not like you can’t sleep with him at all, you just can’t sleep with him touching all over you. If you don’t think you can tell your boyfriend that without an argument starting, then there may be something else more concerning at play here. I mean is your delivery of a message that bad? Is your boyfriend that sensitive to the things you say? (No shade.)
Suggestions going forward.
- Simply talk to your boyfriend and respectfully tell him about your sleeping preferences. Express that while you love him, you would prefer if you two cuddle then rolled over to your individual sides of the bed. He should respect that as long as your delivery is right.
- I tend to think you’re too worried about this small thing in your relationship. Trust me, you’ll face bigger obstacles than this, so you shouldn’t be stressing right now.
- Remember, this new man in your life is not your ex. Your ex’s reaction to things shouldn’t necessarily be a predictor of how your current boo will respond to specific conversations.
As always nothing but love,