relationships

My Boyfriend Wants to Have a Threesome, But I’m not Sure I’m Ready

What do you do when your boyfriend wants to start having a threesome but you aren’t ready? Straight and to the point, my boyfriend and I have been together for about two years and for about a month now he has been hinting at spicing up our sex life. I tried putting on sexy underwear and we tried toys, but he still thinks we lack excitement. I don’t completely disagree, but it seems like he feels more strongly about it than I do. So when I asked what else he wants to try, he asked how I would feel about inviting someone in sexually every once and a while. I’m not really feeling the idea, because I’m pretty sure I’d get super jealous. Then there’s the fact,  I keep thinking once we open this door, it will lead to cheating, and I don’t have time. I appreciate your thoughts on this, because my friends were kind of split on their advice.

-The Jealous One

Dear The Jealous One,

Thanks for writing to me. I must say, the idea of couples allowing a third party in the bedroom is becoming less of a faux pas, and more of a popular thing to do these days. I’ve heard a few acquaintances say they’ve tried it with their bae, and claim it actually works well for them. Also, I’ve heard celebrities like The Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss say that an occasional threesome works for their relationship. Now while the idea of introducing a third sexual partner to couples is a popular move these days, it’s not a move for everybody or every relationship.

Heck if I’m honest, I get where you’re coming from when you talk about your apprehension because of jealousy. I ‘m not one to buy completely into the whole zodiac thing, but I fear in a threesome situation, the jealous side of my scorpio would come out in the worst way. I can imagine me trying to outshine the “special bedroom guest”, balling up my fists when the special guest gets a little too familiar too fast, and holding onto my tongue for dear life just so I don’t cuss folks out for me being so uncomfortable. So again, I get your frustration with the idea. However, let me say this is just my opinion based on theory alone. In the midst of the actual situation, I may change my mind and be quiet mellow, as could you. (Or I could be right, which means in the middle of the ménage à trois I could act a complete fool LOL!)

Look, I understand that relationships are all about compromise, but you can’t compromise yourself to the point you uncomfortably fake being someone you’re not. If you talk it out with your boyfriend and really just don’t think you can do the threesome thing, then don’t do it. You don’t want to be angry with yourself for a regrettable decision you didn’t have to make. However if you take this stance, I suggest coming up with a few alternative proposals to spice things up.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Before you shut down the idea of a threesome, talk to your boyfriend about a potential scenario in which it happens. Discuss some theoretical ground rules. For example, you could demand that it would have to be someone anonymous yet tested. Or you could request there can be no contact with the third party unless you and boyfriend are together. Or you could ask that no one ever kiss the third party, since kissing for many speaks to intimacy. Perhaps setting some ground rules will make you more comfortable with the idea. Plus, further talking about a ménage à trois will show you’re trying to compromise.

 

  1. Now if there is no way on this good green earth you can get behind a threesome, even after talking it out with your boyfriend, then again, come up with other ideas you two can do to spice up your sex life. Not encouraging crimes here, but perhaps the use of occasional public venues or some role playing may help.

 

  1. Also, please remember your boyfriend is not a bad guy for having made the suggestion. So please don’t demonize him, or automatically assume he suggested the idea because he wants to cheat.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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