Let me start by saying how much I love your site. A cousin recommended I check it out about a week ago, and I’m hooked. You have some pretty good advice and some of the questions hit real close to home. So the reason I’m writing is because I have a question.
Okay, so about 3 weeks ago my best friend got engaged to a guy he’s only been with about 7 months. I think that’s hella of fast, but my best friend says he loves him and knows this is his husband. As much as I want to support him in his rushed relationship, yes that’s shade, I just can’t bring myself to be that happy for him. I honestly don’t like his fiancé.
His fiancé is a little shady in my opinion. The dude cheated on him like a 2 month ago with some random from the club. I thought that my friend would end things for good, but he only broke up with the guy for like a week then took him back. I rolled my eyes super hard on that one. Oh and did I mention that the fiancé is apparently not in contact with any of his family members. That is super suspicious to me.
Sorry, my question is this. Do I try and convince my friend not to get married? I don’t want him to hate me or take away my title as best man. On the other hand, I don’t want him to make such a huge mistake. He’s thinking of not signing a prenup with this fool, and my friend has a lot of coin.
Unsupportive But Supportive Bestie
Dear Unsupportive But Supportive Bestie,
Thanks for writing to me and complimenting According to T. Like I always say, the kind words serve as fuel for what I’m doing here. The fact that you and others can appreciate the advice I share means a lot. So again, thank you.
As far as your dilemma goes, I think there are a few points I want to address. For starters, I’ll say that I understand your concerns about your friend’s relationship timeline. Seven months is certainly a fast turnaround for two people to take the plunge into marriage. I personally wouldn’t do it, and I don’t think most people can grow to know another individual well enough to say “I do” in less than a year. However, if your friend and his fiancé feel they are prepared to take this big step, then that’s within their right to do so. And sometimes, fast-tracking the relationship timeline works for couples. Look at George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin, who are still married after getting engaged following only six months of dating.
Now in terms of the fiancé cheating on your best friend, I advise you not to hang your hat on that reason for why the two shouldn’t get hitched. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it once more, you can’t ever tell someone when he’s had enough. Meaning, just because you may deem something as a deal breaker for a relationship, doesn’t mean another person will. Your friend may not see one instance of infidelity as a deal breaker in a relationship, and that’s neither right nor wrong. That’s simply just his choice. If he and his fiancé have sincerely worked past the incident, then you owe it to your friend to try to do the same. (By the way, not everyone who cheats is a bad guy.)
The missing family aspect that you mentioned is not necessarily that suspicious. Some people don’t have great relationships with their families for a variety of reasons. His family could have shunned him because of his sexuality. Or he could have grown up in an abusive situation with family members, and has chosen to cut ties with them. There is a possibility that he grew up in a bad foster situation and just doesn’t know of any blood family members. You just never know. Unless you have a lot of information about his upbringing, you don’t have enough information to be suspicious yet.
Lastly, let’s talk about the prenup aspect of your letter. I agree that people should get prenups before getting married. (My pro-stance on prenups is a topic for another day). However, just because you and I think your friend should get one, doesn’t mean we are right. This is another case of your friend doing what’s right for him.
Suggestions going forward.
- Take your friend out to eat or invite him over for drinks, and have a heart-to-heart about his upcoming nuptials. Ask him if he is sure he wants to marry this man. Gently raise your concerns about his fiancé. If by the end of the conversation he is still certain of marrying the guy, then you’ve got to zip it and be supportive (unless you suspect physical or emotional abuse). At the end of the day, your friend is grown and can make grown decisions.
- If you are really curious about the fiancé’s family, ask your friend some questions about the family during your heart-to-heart. Maybe he has some answers that will shed some light on the matter. If not, you could casually ask the fiancé about his upbringing when you see him. (But don’t give the fiancé the third degree.)
As always nothing but love,