I’ve been following your blog for a very long time and have debated for months about sharing my situation with you. Simply because I feel as though I already know what to do but haven’t built the courage as of yet.
Let me get straight to the point though. I’m with a guy that’s 19 years older than me. We’ve been together for 8 years. Our relationship came as a result of his infidelity in a previous 15 year relationship. I love this guy with everything in me. My life and everyday routine revolves around him and our relationship. However, I’m very insecure, as he has cheated on me before (which was most definitely karma) and since finding out, I feel as though his loyalty and honesty towards me and our relationship was just for a time. Though he says he’s not cheating, I’m afraid to trust him although I really want to.
Aside from that, I’m starting to believe that we’re on two different beats and although he claims that he isn’t cheating, I low key think he is. He has called me out for over analyzing but how could I not when the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with has me on edge about our future together?!
All in all, while there is so much more that I can share, I’m just simply afraid of wasting my time after so many years and also missing out on what is supposed to be the golden years of my life. I don’t want to leave him but I’m so insecure about us, that it adds to my already out of control anxiety!
Please share some insight if you can!
Thanks for writing to me and following my blog. I’m glad you see value in my words of advice, because I truly do enjoy helping out people such as yourself if I can. Now because you claim you already know what to do in this situation and just haven’t “built up the courage” to do it, I’m going to try and be brief in my response. I just want to remind you of a few things.
Since you have been reading my blog for a while, I’m sure you know that I tend to believe you can never tell a person when to walk away from a relationship. Friends and family could beg and plead with an individual to leave a man they think is no good, but at the end of the day, if the individual is not ready to leave, he won’t. You being the individual in question in this particular scenario, only you really know if you’ve had enough of your current relationship. So if you are in a head space where the constant questions about trust and infidelity are really taking a toll on you, ask yourself how long you want to continue to be in such an anxious situation?
And I’m sure you love your boyfriend. I don’t doubt that. However, sometimes people choose to stay in a relationship for reasons you alluded to in your letter. Folks get comfortable and don’t feel like starting the whole dating and relationship process over with someone else. The thoughts of putting yourself out there to meet somebody new can be intimidating. You start thinking about going on first dates, meeting new family members and friends, and sex compatibility. But I can assure you, there is a certain level of peace you can only attain when you remove yourself from a relationship that is no longer working.
Suggestions going forward.
- If by chance you think you and your boyfriend are absolutely meant to be and you’re just currently experiencing a very rough patch, then you have options. You two could seek couples therapy. You two could also take a break from one another to gain perspective. The break doesn’t have to be a permanent break-up, but rather time apart from each other to determine if this relationship is still something you both want.
- I don’t know how old you are, but don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re too old to start over and find Mr. Right. That kind of thinking only needlessly puts limitations on you.
As always nothing but love,