Dating, friendship

I’ve Been Placed In the Friend Zone, but Desperately Want Out

Hi T!

First off, as a lot of others do, I like to thank you for your truly wise words in these posts. I’m not a huge fan of reading novels and I rarely read any news at all, but your posts are my bread and butter in this lower stage of my life.

So in the past, I’ve always been quick about jumping into relationships and it clouds my better judgement. After just two or three dates I truly believe that “she” is the one, but I’ve either lost feelings completely after some months, gotten cheated on or realized something dark about the person. An example could be that I found my latest ex being a racist.

Now I believe I found the one FOR REAL. She’s beautiful, smart, funny and genuinely awesome, but she doesn’t like me the same way. We’ve been close friends for a while now and we’ve shared beds without actually doing it, we’ve shared our secrets but I’m hardcore friendzoned. Another problem is that she likes to dress a bit… chilly, if you catch my drift… This is a turn on for me, of course, but that’s not truly what I want anyways and because she dresses like this, does it mean she dresses up for all the boys to be all over her or because she’s just following the stream?

So to summarize, I’ve got two questions. How do you get out of a friendzone as heavily fortified as Fort Knox? And if a girl dresses up at bit light, does that mean that she’s proud or “open for business” so to speak?

– Jöken

Dear Jöken,

Thanks for writing to me and appreciating According to T. Believe me when I say your kind words don’t fall on deaf ears. So again, thanks for your compliments and please continue to visit my site. Now onto your questions.

Typically speaking, I always encourage people to become friends before they jump into a relationship. I believe that it’s important that while two people date, they get to know one another on a level that’s not physical. If two individuals don’t share a bond outside the bedroom, then the relationship is doomed from the start. Also, the best relationships are the ones that consist of two best friends. Look at Will and Jada Smith, or Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade, or President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle.

Now having said that, in an effort to become friends with a person you have an interest in romantically, it’s important not to get diverted into the Friend Zone. Most people think of the Friend Zone as some kind of black hole that people can’t escape. That once a person places another in this zone, he or she is destined to remain there for the rest of his or her life.  While I generally agree with this perspective, I do believe that in rare occasions folks can work their way to romantic territory.

In order for a person to get out of the Friend Zone, there has to be an underlying mutual attraction.  Two friends have to have some kind of unspoken desire for each other. If only one individual in a friendship has romantic feelings, that means there’s no chemistry, just a lopsided affection. Also, in order for a person to move out of the Friend Zone, there has to be a certain level of courage. No one becomes more than a buddy by keeping his or her mouth shut.


Suggestions going forward.

  1. Don’t focus so much on what you’re friend wears, because it more than likely has nothing to do with you. Most folks like to wear clothes that make them look good so they feel good. On some occasions they may wear something to attract a person’s attention, but if this woman has dressed “chilly” since you two have met (on the basis of friendship), I don’t think she is dressing for you specifically.


  1. If you think your romantic feelings for this woman are so strong to the point it’s hard to be her friend, you might as well shoot your shot and tell her how you feel. While your friendship will ultimately change whether she likes you or not because of the words you say, it’s better to speak up to stop torturing yourself.


  1. If the woman decides she doesn’t see you as more of a friend, then respect that fact. Also, take some time away from the friendship so you can get over your romantic feelings for her.


  1. On the chance you are too nervous to shoot your shot because you really don’t think your friend likes you romantically and she’s shown no signs of liking you that way, then again, step away from the friendship. Allow yourself time and space to put her in the Friend Zone.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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