relationships

My Boyfriend and I Aren’t Having Sex Like We Used To

Tavion,

What are you supposed to do when you’re boyfriend stops touching you like he used to? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a half now, and for the past couple of months we haven’t been having sex as regularly as we used to. We don’t live together, but we used to have sex about 4 if not more times a week. Now, we’re at like once a week. I get I may be a tad thicker, like 10 pounds heavier than I used to be when we met, and he’s been busier with his new job, but damn. I asked my best friend his thoughts on the situation, and he put out the idea that my boyfriend could be cheating. My friend is jaded so I’m trying not to take his words to heart. Besides, my boyfriend is a terrible liar so I would know. Interested in hearing your thoughts.

– Le Sigh

Dear Le Sigh,

Thanks for writing to me. Although your letter is short, you actually hit on a few points I’d like to address in my response. I’ll start by saying that just because you and your boyfriend aren’t having sex as frequently as you used to, doesn’t automatically mean he’s cheating. Unless you’ve noticed your boyfriend being shady or acting different outside of the bedroom, there’s no need to think infidelity is happening. So you’d be better off trusting your instincts and your man over your “jaded” bff on this one.

As a rule of thumb, most relationships start off with a honeymoon phase. In this phase, a couple rarely argues, butterflies are fluttering around in stomachs, and the world is full of rainbows and roses. Oh, and if the couple is sexually active, they can’t keep their hands off each other. In fact, everything the couple does together practically serves as a gateway to sex. Think of the first year or two of a relationship like a new iPhone (Android users bear with me). Like a new iPhone, the honeymoon phase is shiny, new, and fun.

When the honeymoon phase of a relationship ends, is where the real work of a relationship begins. After a time of rainbow and roses, a couple enters a phase where people’s flaws have a neon sign over them. What use to be charming and cute, is more annoying at this point. And couples start a life course in communication. Two individuals attempt to learn how their partner argues, and what each other are saying when no words are spoken. Another sign of this post-honeymoon phase is a dip in sex frequency. Going back to my iPhone reference, this would be when that new phone has some wear and tear and maybe even a crack in the screen.

If somehow I’ve lost you, let me make it clear I think you and your boyfriend are in your post-honeymoon phase, and that’s perfectly normal. It’s normal for couples to slow down hitting the sheets as relationships mature. Intimacy can slow down for a number of reasons, but again it’s natural.

Now you said you put on weight. I sincerely hope you aren’t linking that to why you two aren’t as sexually active. Your extra pounds are simply proof that relationship weight is real. I know from personal experience because I too fell victim to it. If the attraction between you and your boyfriend extends beyond just the physical, ten pounds is not going to cause your boyfriend to desire you less. However, if you feel less comfortable with your extra weight and that’s coming across to your partner, then your lack of sexual confidence can be a bit of a turnoff.

Also, you mentioned your boyfriend has a new job. You may just need to be a bit patient as he tries to figure out his work-life balance. That can take some time for some folks. He may desire to be as sexually active as you do, but is finding it difficult with his work commitments.

Before I hit you with my suggestions, let me also say that sometimes sex happens less frequently because things have become a bit routine in the bedroom. When intimacy becomes boring, sex can feel more like a chore. It’s possible you and your man need to spice things up.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If you don’t feel comfortable with the extra weight and you think it’s messing with your sexual confidence, then it’s time you think about making some changes. Just to be clear, if you want to lose weight, lose weight for your own happiness. Not a man.

 

  1. If you think you two need to spice things up, and deep down you know, then change some things up.

 

  1. If you feel your boyfriend has been overworked as of late, try surprising him with a nice relaxing dinner or trip to the spa. He’ll appreciate the gesture, and it will earn you some major points.

 

  1. Perhaps the most important suggestion I have for you here, is check in with your boyfriend. Have a conversation with him on the status of your relationship and see what he says about the frequency of your intimacy. Talking to him takes away the guessing work.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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