I’ve peeped a few of your posts and I love your advice. Your words really do be hitting. Hopefully, your words will hit on something today. I find myself stuck in this situation with this guy who I met through IG six weeks ago. So initially, I came across his profile through another IG friend who liked his post. After I went to the guy’s page, I thought he was fine AF, and we seemed to have things in common. Naturally, I started to follow him, and then he followed me. He even did the thing where he went through my profile and liked a bunch of my posts. I took that as a sign to shoot my shot, and did. We started flirting back and forth through DMs, then moved our convos to phone.
Once we exchanged numbers, we would text throughout the day and even talk on the phone at night every now and then. I forgot to mention, he lives in Houston and I live in Atlanta. That’s important, because last weekend I was in Houston to meet up with friends and didn’t even see him. We had planned to meet up and he knew I was coming, but as soon as I got to Houston all of a sudden he was too busy to see me. He claimed he was swamped with a project at work. I think that is bs because I feel he could at least met up with me for an hour.
Long story short, since I’ve been back in ATL we don’t really communicate like we were. He tried to text me this week to apologize, but honestly I was still in my feelings and didn’t want to hear it so I’ve been distant. I’m frustrated because I still like the guy but don’t like feeling I’ve been played. What do you suggest here?
Confused Dater 92
Dear Confused Dater 92,
Thanks for writing to me and sharing your kind words about my site. I may not be Dr. Phil, Iyanla Vanzant, or even Oprah, but I like to think I’ve been blessed with the ability to offer good advice. So again, thanks for writing and trusting that I can help you with your problem. Now since you’ve read a few of my posts, you know I’m respectful with my words, but I don’t sugarcoat things. So let’s dive on into this.
I can almost guarantee to you that if you scroll through IG right now, you will see a post from someone that is complaining about a situation similar to your own. Heck, I’ll be completely transparent and admit I’ve been in your shoes myself. I understand the frustration of “vibing” with a guy in another state, and when the opportunity arises for the in-person meetup, the guy becomes flakier than a Pillsbury biscuit (excuse the reference, but a low carb diet will have you craving carbs something serious). Anyway, I totally get your current mood.
You probably feel like you’ve been stood up for a date. While the primary reason for you visiting Houston was your friends, you thought the guy you’ve been chatting it up with would be down to meet you for a little bit. Unfortunately, the magical moment of meeting that you envisioned in your head never happened. Leaving you pissed and nervous you’ve been catfished.
Look, unless this guy works three jobs, has twelve kids, and moonlights as Black Panther or Black Lightning, I agree with you. He could have spared some time to see you. After all, you travelled hundreds of miles and were willing to take time away from your friends. Again, if you two were mutually vibing, he could have at least met you during a lunch break or a coffee run for fifteen or thirty minutes. As a person that always tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and respect people’s allocation of their valuable time, I can’t shake the feeling that he shadily dodged you. So who can blame you if you feel played?
As for the answer to the why in this scenario, I can’t be certain, but I have a couple of theories. It’s possible this man just likes attention and just likes to flirt. He doesn’t want to get involved with anyone because he’s hesitant when it comes to relationships, or things resembling them. That would be why he flirts with long-distance folks like you, because the possibility of becoming serious is less likely.
Going a step further, my other theory is that this guy has a whole boyfriend. Yes he may have flirted with you, and you two may have exchange NSFW photos, but he may not have wanted to meet with you because he already has a real man. Not saying this is definitely the case, but it’s definitely a possibility.
Suggestions going forward.
- If you feel played and like this guy wasted your time, then stop talking to him. Stop looking at him as a potential bae that wronged you, and more like a man that’s not the one. I know it can be hard to cut off someone you felt you were clicking with, but try. Despite what you said, you’re not stuck. You can move.
- Don’t give this guy another chance romantically, unless there is a sincere apology, a valid explanation/excuse, and he chases you in a real Now when I say this, I say it with extreme caution. A sincere apology is more than I’m sorry. A valid excuse is more than work had me super busy (get you a doctor’s note or a detailed outline on the projects he’s working on and how he splits his time). And a real way of chasing you is more than a “wyd” text and “wish I could see you” message (have him make travel arrangements ASAP and get the confirmation number so you know when to pick him up). I’m usually not one to tell people what to do directly because folks have the gift of choice. However, I want to again emphasize suggestion one here.
- Now up until this point, I’ve assumed you two had a Facetime or Skype conversation prior to your Houston trip. However, if you’ve never had a live video conversation with him, then there is a chance you’ve been catfished. If you’ve never seen what he looks like in a real-time scenario, then you’ll definitely want to let him go.
As always nothing but love,