relationships

I Love Them, and They Treat Me Like Trash. What’s Wrong with Me?

Hi,

How are you T? I can’t say I know exactly who you are, but I’ve been googling some stuff and I found your page. The thing is, I just needed someone to talk to.

Well first, I’m a 29 years old woman who comes from an Arabic Islam country were the girl is supposed to stay virgin till marriage, but that’s not my case. I lost my virginity 3 years ago to someone I was deeply in love with, though he was the most abusive person you’ll ever meet.  This guy totally ruined my life. He used to humiliate and beat me. He even broke my nose once and gave me several black eyes. He was cheating on me like every day with several women, to the extent that he would try to talk to a girl and flirt with her and take her number while we were together eating or drinking.  In any place he would get furious and start to beat me or call me names and humiliate me in public.

He got me pregnant twice, and of course we aborted the two babies because in my country you can’t have babies without being married. And I remember that the first time we both didn’t know I was pregnant. We had this huge fight during which he kicked me in my stomach, and few hours later I found myself severely bleeding and that’s how I knew I was pregnant. I really can’t tell you how much I suffered during those 5 years. I was totally destroyed and broken physically, mentally and emotionally.

Finally, I was able to get myself out of this toilet called a relationship, but with a huge cost. I was no longer a virgin and that’s a big deal where I come from. I was so scared that my parents would know about me losing my virginity or that I would never get married, because who would want a girl that’s not a virgin? I was so ashamed of myself to the extent that I wished I was dead. I suffered from a severe depression. I used to spend nights and nights on my bed crying and begging for death.

Finally after 8 months of depression, I started to get on my feet again. I got back to my friends and family and to my normal life. Then I met someone. He was a doctor and a true gentleman, or that’s how he acted . I was not ready to get into any kind of relationship, but he didn’t take no as an answer and he kept chasing me with flowers and gifts and pushing me till I agreed to be with him.

He was really nice to me. He use to take care of me and I got so attached to him that I decided to tell him everything about my past and what I have been through. He was very understanding and nice, and he accepted what I said. He told me that he loved me and he didn’t care about anything else. Also, he confessed to me that he was married, got divorced, and that he can’t have kids.  I felt more in love with him after that day and got even closer to him. But of course since I was not a virgin he wanted to have sex.

Like every time we met it was just sex and nothing else. We spent 5 months together, and I’ll spare you the details, but he made me pregnant with twins.  Unfortunately, I went for an abortion for a third time.  That totally ruined me because I needed those babies. I wanted to have kids, but of course that was not possible. Anyway, to cut this short I found out that the decent doctor is still married and he lives happily with his wife. I was totally shocked when I knew the truth. I didn’t know what to do, and still don’t.

He knew that I knew the truth but never tried to call me to explain or even apologize for the pain he caused me. I tried to contact him several times, but of course he never answered. What have I done wrong? Why do they all treat me like a piece of trash? I feel like I’m in a huge mess and I really don’t know what to do. I feel totally alone and scared. Do you think he’ll ever call and apologize?  Do you think I’ll ever find true love? Tell me what to do not to be used again by anyone.

– R

Dear R,

Thanks for writing to me. Before I give you any advice, let me tell commend you for still standing after all you’ve been through. In life, things happen that cause us to feel lower than low. Those things can take us to a dark place where we sometimes question if life is worth living. I applaud you for realizing that life is worth living, and that you are deserving of happiness. So please, continue to keep fighting and living, and know that peace and great things are not out of your reach. And believe me when I say you’re not trash. Now to the meat of your issue.

Despite all the books, movies, TV shows, and songs available talking about relationships, nothing you can read, listen to, or watch can really prepare you for matters of the heart. Experience is often the best teacher when it comes to romance and love. And experience is experience. All the heartache and pain from bad relationships count as experience, and should help us learn what we do and don’t need from a partner. Unfortunately, a lot of times we don’t always learn what we should and wind up repeating patterns that harm us.

Not learning from your past attempts at love is like people who drink and get drunk, only to promise never to drink again. While they may not drink for a week or maybe a month, one group outing with friends and they’re usually turning up with some liquor again. They’ll probably even get wasted. And in this cycle of getting drunk, swearing off drinking, and getting drunk again, the drinker usually realizes he should do better but doesn’t.

Bringing this back around to you, and the many people that have been in your shoes. I know you realize that you should do better with matters of the heart. You know you deserve better. You asked if I thought you would ever find love, and to that my answer is yes. It’s clear to me you’ve been in love, but just haven’t been in a healthy relationship. And I think a healthy relationship can be in your future. Although, I don’t necessarily think it should be in your near future.

Based on all that you wrote, I would strongly recommend you work on healing from your past wounds before trying to date anyone else. I understand there are folks that scoff at therapy, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting professional help. Sometimes a professional opinion can help us understand why we make certain choice, and how to train ourselves not continue making those same bad choices.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I’ll say it once more, seek out professional help. I think you’ll truly benefit from it.

 

  1. I’ve never been one to say a person should have a 90 Day Rule when it comes to sex with a person she’s dating, but I do think going forward you may want to consider not allowing a guy to pressure you into sex until you’re ready and feel there is mutual love between you two. I don’t care if he cooks for you, massages your feet, or buys you diamonds and flowers. Lock up your cookie jar until you know you both love each other and you’ve had time to determine he is who he says he is.

 

  1. Stop worrying about this married doctor. Whether he gives you answers or not in regards to what he did don’t negate the fact that he’s not your Prince Charming in this story. He’s another frog.

 

  1. Stop “slut shaming” yourself. In this day and age, many people across the globe don’t expect their future wife or husband to a virgin (especially in the United States).

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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