Dating

You May Like Him, BUT Don’t Ignore Your Instincts

Hi T,

I don’t know if this is a shot in the dark but I was hoping you’d help me… I read a few of your advice and I honestly love your non bias and honest words and solutions.

So I met this guy on a professional website. We connected and he sent me a message, we chatted for a while and he asked me for my contact details. We started chatting and everything was going well and we decided to talk over the phone. After about a week of communication this guy tells me he’s in love with me and wants me as his woman for the rest of his life etc. T, these words are like music to my ears but I feel something is amiss.

He says he works as a businessman and he travels a whole lot. Please note : he’s a foreigner in this country and says he’s been here on and off for 10 years trying to build his business with the longest he’s stayed in the country being 2 years.

I think he’s married or he’s hiding something and I’ve stated some reasons below. On his initial trip after we met he told me they had meetings late into the night, I mean that’s possible but every night for a week? That’s when I started to get suspicious as I realized he would be unavailable after a certain time.

Same thing happened when he supposedly travelled to another state, late night meetings and then he goes offline around 9:30/10pm every night only to continue the conversation the next day. I brought this to his attention and he made himself available late into some nights but went back to the same schedule. It’s always one reason or the other.

2) When we video call he’s always outside somewhere either in a car or in the balcony. Always

3) I once asked him to send me his location and he flipped out and called me insecure and told me he’s tired of my suspicions and accusations. The next day he sent a screen shot of his location. A screen shot of an image. Not an actual location that could open in Google maps like I expected.

4) He has no place or a car or any asset in this country and he says this is because he travels a lot and he stays with his colleagues and he says when he comes into my town we would be in hotel or at my place

5) I hear a dog barking in the background most times when we talk

6) I once heard a child’s voice in the background but he hung up right after and told me I heard nothing

7) Most times I call he doesn’t answer immediately and calls me back.

I’ve yet to meet this guy but I need to know if I shouldn’t even bother. I mean I know married men can deny being married but I also know they typically run away from commitment but this guy has told me repeatedly that he wants to get married and have babies etc. He reassures me that he’s single and all but I don’t know why I feel something is off. I’ve Googled him, his name and his business check out but I didn’t find much else.

Please analyze this for me before I make a mistake.

Thank you in anticipation.

-Betty

Dear Betty,

Thank you for writing to me and giving me your positive feedback.  As I always say, the positive feedback serves as fuel for me in continuing According to T.  So again, I appreciate your kind words. As far as your dilemma goes, allow me to clear things up for you.

For starters, it’s usually a red flag when a person claims to love you after a week of knowing you. Especially, considering you two have never even met face-to-face. In a week, a person may come to greatly like you, and lust after you, but loving you in the purest definition of the word is just not probable. I understand if you were flattered by this guy using the “L-word” so soon, but based on his actions that followed, it sounds like this guy either lied when he said it, or he doesn’t know what real love is.

Now throughout your letter, you mentioned a few instances in which this guy’s actions have raised concern for you. In those instances, those were your instincts kicking in letting you know that something is not right. For the purposes of this conversation, I want you to think of yourself as Spiderman and your instincts as the infamous “Spidey Sense.” If you don’t know, whenever Spiderman’s “Spidey Sense” goes off, danger is near; and, if he ignores it, someone gets hurt. If you don’t listen to your instincts going off as far as this man is concerned, you are probably setting the stage for someone to get hurt. Unfortunately, that someone is more than likely going to be you.

I’m sure could go through each point you listed in your letter, but I think you already know what to do here. You just want me to affirm your thoughts. While I don’t make a habit of telling people what to do (mainly because people have to make their own decisions about their own choices in life), I will say what I would do in your shoes. I can do that, because I’ve been in your shoes to a certain degree.

I, like millions of people, have attempted to date someone based off of good online conversation. However, there have been a few instances where the guy I talked to would tell minor lies that didn’t add up. One guy set off so many alarms and whistles, that I had no reason to try to keep dating him. But I liked him. I told myself to cut him off, and my best friend told me to cut him off, but I couldn’t do it. Thankfully, I eventually did wake up and cancel this guy. I realized I was trying to force something that was never meant to be. And that was an incredibly wise decision, as better was clearly in my future.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. Again, I believe you already know what you should do, so I encourage you to do it.

 

  1. It’s perfectly fine for you to require a certain amount of transparency, compromise, and respect when dating a person. So, you are not wrong for wanting to know a guy’s marital status. Or wanting him to become available to speak with you on your schedule, and not just his. Or just wanting him to be honest. You’re entitled to these things.

 

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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