Short and simple question, why do guys cheat? I read your article on good guys cheating, and I thought you had some good insight. While I’m not sure if I could just forgive a man for cheating on me going forward, because I haven’t in the past, I appreciate the new perspective. Before I go too far left on a tangent, again I just want to know why you think guys cheat. I have my own thoughts, but interested in yours.
Always Curious George
Dear Always Curious George,
Thank you for writing to me and thanks for appreciating the perspective I have to offer. It’s funny that you stated your question is simple. Although it is short, it isn’t the simplest question to answer. As a matter of fact, I’m going to provide you with a few answers to your question so bear with me. Also, please keep in mind that what I’m about to tell you are NOT excuses for cheating. At the end of the day, when people commit acts of infidelity, they do so of their own free will (in a majority of cases). However, view my following words as possible explanations for why people are unfaithful. Also, to be clear, I in NO WAY endorse cheating and I DO NOT believe all men cheat.
Not to be crass, but two of my straight best friends back in the day basically bought into the saying “ain’t no p*ssy, like new p*ssy.” For them, any time they stepped out on their girlfriend, it wasn’t because something wrong was going on in their relationship. They slept with other women because they found a certain thrill in being with someone new. It was exciting being with someone that wouldn’t offer the usual. I should probably note here, that the sex with these sidepieces lacked intimacy, and had nothing to do with trying to build a relationship with someone else. The cheating existed on the foundation of sexual desires only. And while this is a perspective once offered by my straight friends, it’s one that I believe several gay and lesbian men and women can relate to.
Allow me to remix a metaphor that a person once told me. Picture it, you have two men that love eating a hamburger and fries. Out of all the things they could eat in the world, a hamburger and fries are their go-to meals. However, while one of the men has no problem eating a hamburger and fries every day, the other man feels the need to switch it up every now and then. Although this other man may add tacos, or General Tso chicken to his diet on occasion, nothing is better to him then a hamburger and fries. Again, the American classic is this adventurous spirit’s go-to meal, and he has no intention of replacing his go-to meal with something else. He just feels the necessity for variation on occasion.
Then there are those that cheat because they are searching for something that they aren’t getting in the confines of their relationship. Some will commit acts of infidelity because they feel their partner is neglecting them. It’s easy for people to get caught up in their professional ambitions and the bumps in life’s journey, that they don’t give their bae the usual amount of attention and focus. That shift in the relationship can push some men to seek the attention they’re missing from someone else.
Think of time and affection like water to a person in a relationship (oh yes, another metaphor). It’s believed a person can’t survive more than seven days without drinking water. And as most folks know, when a person goes without water, he can start to become dehydrated. In fact, when a person has gone without water for so long, he becomes so thirsty that he becomes desperate to get a drink almost anywhere. Like a man thirsting for water, a man not receiving attention in his relationship can become desperate enough to seek attention from any other person willing to provide it.
When Flirting Goes too Far
The last explanation I’ll offer today as to why men cheat has nothing to do with actively seeking out new sexual experiences or being neglected by a partner. Sometimes men are unfaithful through intentional actions that have unforeseen consequences. I know some of you reading this have a raised eyebrow, so let me explain in the hopes you’ll lower it.
Many folks in this world are flirts. They love attention from a stranger and can appreciate when a person admires them for their beauty and brains. They like to know they still got it. And after a series of harmless interactions, some people will allow their flirtatious ways get to them in predicaments they never intended to be in.
Now I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not crazy about this as an explanation for cheating. I usually think if a man strays it’s because of one of the two above explanations. Plus, this reasoning sounds a little too much like “oh I just tripped in the hole”, or “I just fell on it.” However, I’ve come to understand that depending on when a person thinks cheating occurs, a person’s love of flirting can lead to early nonsexual infidelity.
Suggestions going forward
- If you ever want to know why someone cheated on you specifically, just ask the guy to be straight up with you. Tell him to give you the unfiltered truth. But if you don’t think you can handle the truth, then you shouldn’t ask.
- Also, don’t be dissuaded into getting into a relationship because infidelity may occur. Again, not all men cheat.
As always nothing but love,