Dating, relationships

I’m Having Insecurities in a Relationship with a Former “Hoe”

Dear Tavion,

I came across your content on Instagram, and I loved it. You say some good stuff that’s definitely on point. The question I have for you today is about hoeing. I’ve been dating this guy for about two months, and recently we decided to become exclusive. I really like him. Like a lot. He’s almost my dream guy. He’s fine, financially stable, great body, funny, and we have a lot in common.  The problem is, I think he used to be a huge hoe. Scratch that, I know he used to be a hoe.  In so many words, he kind of said that.

At first I didn’t care about his past as much, because it was his past and everyone has one, including me. However, I think his past is bothering me now because when we go out to spots it seems he always knows someone, and the someone is usually a person he has hooked up with apparently. Plus, we follow each other on Instagram and every time he posts a selfie or something, I look at his comments and a part of me becomes insecure. I hate that because I’m not an insecure person. So I guess my actual question, is what do I do? How do I stay in this relationship and not drive myself crazy.

From,

Mr. Worried but Not Worried

Dear Mr. Worried but Not Worried,

Thanks for writing to me and for your kind words about my advice. I really do try my best to provide people like you with some words of wisdom that is both honest and helpful.  Hearing positive feedback like yours is a definite morale boost.  So again, thanks.

Now as far as your dilemma, dating a reformed hoe is not something unique to just you. For many people walking this Earth, a season of hoeing is a part of their past.  Granted some individuals season of thotting and bopping was longer than others, at the end of the day many people can attest to being a little more sexually uninhibited at some point in their life. So there’s a good chance a majority of people will date a fellow former hoe at some point, if they haven’t already. (Good time to point out that I didn’t say nor do I believe that ALL people have a “hoe-ish” past. Heck not sure my past classifies to be honest, but I definitely have some terrible judgment calls in my closet.)

Anyway, I say all of that to make the point that you’ve acknowledged. Everyone has a past.  Because this is something you’ve already stated, I’m led to believe that the real problem you’re having is not so much with how to deal with your boyfriend being an ex-hoe, but how to deal with his fan club. Placed in this perspective, I can definitely understand your current emotions.

Trying to build something with someone who constantly has people in his face reminding him of what was or what could be, sounds incredibly draining. And it’s one thing to compete for your man’s attention when you’re dating.  However, once the convo has been had and you’ve secured the guy in a relationship, feeling like you’re constantly competing for his attention can feel pretty damn ridiculous. Who wants to worry about every inappropriate ex-fling, or every ratchet DM from strangers?  The answer is no one, and for the same insecure feeling you described.

Look, despite pretty much validating your concerns, you have to get in a mindset that regardless of who is feigning after your man, he’s your man.  You can’t stress yourself out focusing your attention on the several people that have a crush on your bae. If your reformed hoe has not given you a reason not to trust him, then you are doing a disservice to your relationship by allowing insecurity to take over. Remember, he chose you out of all his exes and fans. That leads me to believe you have something special the other individuals don’t.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. If in your heart of hearts you think you have a good man and can trust him, TRUST HIM. Allowing self-doubt to take over will erode at your relationship in the long run.
  2. If it will help ease your feelings, you can gently ask your boyfriend to think about posting less “thirst trapping” photos that may invite unwelcomed DMs. You could also ask him not to be so friendly when he runs into ex-hookups, but instead keep it brief and keep it moving.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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2 thoughts on “I’m Having Insecurities in a Relationship with a Former “Hoe””

  1. NewAtlien says:

    I faced a similar situation. There’s was a very attractive guy I was semi-interested in but when he told me “he loved sex” my interest pretty much died. B/c for him what that really meant is he’s a sex addict and sex addicts don’t make responsible decisions when it comes to sex. I was in a relationship with one for 4 years and it was ugly.

    I enjoy sex but I’m far from a sex addict. Sex addiction is something rarely talked about in the black gay community and is keeping a lot of us hopelessly single.

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      You raise a good point. Sex addiction in the community is not one often mentioned but shouldn’t be mistaken as not occurring.

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