Dating

I Thought We Were Vibing, So Why Did He “Ghost” Me?

T,

I met a guy on Jack’d, out of all places, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well with our exchange of non-sexual, cool-natured, and friendly messages on there.  Over a span of a couple of days, our vibe was so great, that it led to us exchanging phone numbers where our conversations continued from there on.  This guy had my nose wide open!  He’s a good catch, good credentials, smart, funny, good heart, handsome – All the aspects most want in a guy.  Interested in seeing one another, we decided to meet up in person.  I suggested we’d meet up at a billiard because in my mind, it’d be a place where we can have fun, and feel each other out without the temptation of easily being lured to sex.

We agreed to meet at a reservation, overlooking the city instead, his idea, and a great one because I feel it’s an intimate and romantic “first date” so to speak.  When we met, we were both giddy, obviously feeling each other and both rather shy.  Our talk led to us kissing passionately and, perhaps against my better judgement, led to us getting a little frisky.  All in all, it was a great night and we continued to keep in touch daily.  We made plans to meet up for a second time, got stood up.

I reached out to him the next day, though he should’ve reached out to me, and he apologized with the excuse that he had taken a nap and slept through his alarm. I gave him the benefit of doubt and forgave him.  He made up for standing me up by keeping his word to meet me at my place a week later.  When he arrived at my place, it was the same scenario: we talked, kissed, and got a little freaky.  A part of me felt like I shouldn’t have let it gone to the point of getting sexual, but my hormones were raging, and his presence and his kiss had me weak. Dammit!

And so after that event, we still continued to call/text daily, it’s about 3 weeks since we first communicated on Jack’d at this point.  I thought about him e-ve-ry day!  I couldn’t believe within a short time, I had an immense deep like for this man.  I knew he had a Facebook, though he didn’t tell me, because I did my little research on him around the time we first started talking, as did he with me because he admitted it.  So, I figured since we have chemistry and as far as I was concerned, we were cool, it wouldn’t be creepy, off-putting, or weird to send him a friend request.  So I sent him one thinking at some point, he’ll see it and accept it.

In one of our daily text conversations, we brought up wanting to see each other again.  He suggested that I’d meet him at his place for what would have been our 3rd time seeing each other.  Of course I was thrilled about that so I sent him an affirmative response.  But, when I asked for his address, he never responded back.  I sent that text asking for his address on Monday, May 14th.  Here we are Monday, May 21st and I still haven’t heard from him.

I suffer from the once bitten, twice shy effect to where it’s hard for me to connect with a guy in general because of my nervousness and insecurities of having been rejected time and time again.  So you can imagine, since I’ve connected with this guy, I’m in shell shock, so to speak, from his sudden disappearance.  I checked his Facebook profile to see if my friend request to him was still pending, not only did he not accept it, it appears as though he set it up to where I can no longer send a request. I’m a 32 years old and have never been in a relationship.   My question to you is: from everything that I have explained, did I go wrong somewhere?  Was there anything I did or didn’t do to warrant his abrupt cut off of communication with me?

– Boston_Piscean

Dear Boston_Piscean,

Thanks for writing to me. I’m sorry to hear you feel as if your heart strings have been tugged on and toyed with in your time pursuing this guy. Being in your current position sucks, and I know because I’ve been there.  Heck, if people are honest with themselves, most grown adults can identify with your current situation. Unfortunately, it’s one of life’s lessons.

In order to help you, I want to address three points.  For starters, Jack’d is a platform that an overwhelming number of people use to find a bootycall not a bae. Is it possible to find a great romance on Jack’d? Sure it is. It’s also possible I will find a pearl on the beach, a diamond in the park, or a $50.00 bill on the sidewalk. But just like those occurrences, the chances of finding true love on Jack’d are slim to none. (Let me say I’m in no way condemning Jack’d, but rather I realize why many gay men get on it.)

The second point worth bring up, is that what happened to you has a name. You’ve been catfished.  I understand the guy you met looked just like the unlocked profile pictures on Jack’d.  However, I’m under the impression that this guy talked himself up as wanting a relationship like you do. As someone who wanted to do more than just fool around and smash.  While the guy may have intentions of being in a relationship one day, it appears his primary purpose on Jack’d was finding someone to get his rocks off with. I’m going to tell you, and all those who read this, a little secret.

Believe it or not, some guys will hop on Jack’d and express an interest in a relationship, but really just want to have sex with someone they don’t believe is a “hoe.”  These men think claiming they’re seeking a relationship will prevent some of the more “sexually unbothered” individuals from hitting them up.  But again, at the end of the day, they came on Jack’d primarily wanting to find a sex partner of some kind.

Now the last thing I want to address is the “Art of the Chase.”  Regardless of a man’s sexuality, it’s in the DNA for many of them to want to chase their mate. They want their potential bae to put up a little resistance, to play a little coy, to make them try to get the panties or boxers off as the case may be. At the same time, they don’t want their pursuit to feel completely impossible. If this sounds like a giant head game, that’s because for the most part it is.

And look, straddling the line between “too available” and “not available enough” isn’t the easiest thing in the world. I get it. But when dating, you have to refrain from bending into every will of a potential bae. You have to stand your ground and make him cater to you sometimes.

Suggestions going forward.

  1. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you have to be careful where you cast your bait. If a person wants Chilean sea bass, he shouldn’t go fishing in the Mississippi River. If you want a bae, go to platforms and places where relationship oriented folks are actually swimming.

 

  1. You have to be able to read the subtle signs when dating. From what you wrote, it sounds like after the first time you two met, you all communicated on his terms. You two talked only when he felt like responding, and he only apologized for standing you up because you brought it up. Not him. So again, you have to listen to your gut (not hormones and heart sometimes) when your gut is telling you the infatuation is not reciprocal.

 

 

  1. Don’t reach out to this guy again. If by chance he really wants to be with you, make him chase you. Heck, make him jump through hoops.

As always nothing but love,

Tavion Scott

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